Silver WInd Posted September 26, 2007 Report Posted September 26, 2007 (edited) The Lady's Decision Caught in the glittering eye of gold the ring turned round within her fingers pale in comparison, the wind whipped against her face in the tussles of fire red break away It whispered while the sea caressed brutally upon the rocks below, the long green reed grasses upon the bluff of her standing wisped around her fawn legs break away The water churned in their midnight tumult, the folds of her dress dancing violently with no gaiety, even the silks as they swished together taunted in her ear break away So the ring flew from her fingers and into the abyss it tumbles while she imagined some gapping kraken swallowed it up and her stomach lurched, her cheeks stained salty, but even her heart steadily said break away Edited September 27, 2007 by Silver Wind
Da_Yog Posted September 27, 2007 Report Posted September 27, 2007 I rather like this. The repetition of break away in isolation really brings forth a sense of lonliness and determination for distancing oneself from an untennable situation. The lack of a period at the end gives a sense of continuation...perhaps the beginning of the new... The only thing that really stood out as a question for me was the first line of the second stanza, "It whispered while the say". I'm not really sure what you were driving for here...typo perhaps? http://www.themightypen.net/public/style_emoticons/default/ohmy.gif
Silver WInd Posted September 27, 2007 Author Report Posted September 27, 2007 Thank you for your coments, and thanks for pointing that out. It was a typo
Wyvern Posted September 30, 2007 Report Posted September 30, 2007 I like this poem, Silver Wind. :-) There's a lot of good fantasy imagery in it that grabs my attention, with the woman's fawn legs and the thoughts of the kraken swallowing the ring standing out in particular. I also really like some of the phrasing that you use in the poem, especially the pairing of "caressed brutally" in the second stanza which definitely catches my eye every time I read it. I also agree with Yog that the "break away" refrain compliments the tone nicely, and I like the way that sounds and sights seem to taunt the woman and make her queasy. Well done. Wyvern scratches his chin and considers bugging Silver Wind for a few photos of this gal, the fawn legs and dress offering a pretty unique look that could potentially inspire a bit of "brutal caressing" of his own (HUR HUR HUR). Shame that she's so close to the water... aquatics never fail to be a bit of a turn off.
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