Final War

[Orlan]

New Story! More Taleth! More Rysabella! More juggling mimes!

 

Er....maybe 2 out of 3.

 

If you're truly interested in reading the new one you might want to check out the old ones.

 

Final Death

Siege of Agregra

Final Memories

[Gwaihir]

I printed this story out a few days ago when I had no home internet and I've been meaning to comment here since.

 

Nice! A couple of spelling typos, but that's all on the typo front and they weren't distracting.

 

Good writing. I definitely enjoyed it. Perhaps the bit about the seeress's guard was a bit less exciting becuase we don't know yet how that's relevant. Still don't my comments very seriously about that sinc eI don't know how this will turn out. Good fun! Thansk for sharing.

[Wyvern]

Ooohhh, a great start for this new one Orlan. :-) It's nice to see Taleth and co. being revisited for another round of immortal mayhem (I guess the tales circulating around him are far from "Final" eh?). Dayane is still my personal favorite character, as I feel like she still has some of the most human qualities of any of the characters and is an easy character for me to sympathize with. I especially liked the scene-setting for the assassination attempt on Dayane in this first segment, as the way that you reintroduce the colorful cast of characters was really well done. I like how Severeth proves his worth as a bad-ass guard by blocking the magical poison arrow, as well as Dayane's reaction to his heroic save. Mallara was somehow prettier than I remember her being this time around, though I'm sure you've referenced her beauty in past stories... the long hair falling into the lap sort of stood out this time, I guess. I also like the elf revelation, and the way that you end this segment seems to be a perfect spot for a "To Be Continued..." Looking forward to reading more of this as it comes along!

[Patrick]

Well, I'll go back into the past and comment on Final Death. Seeing that it's the first of the series, I read it first and just finished.

 

Very interesting story, kept me reading even though I should be working on a project for uni. A couple typos here and there (mostly mix-ups between "to" and "too" and "were" and "where" and Rachel being called Rechel at times). The twist at the end was quite nice too. I also liked how you did not reveal what had happened the night when Taleth had killed the queen, instead leaving it unsaid. Now I'll have to resist reading the next thread tonight, because I really need to work on that project.

[Patrick]

Continuing...I of course read Siege of Agregra instead of studying. (it helped that a project reunion got moved to wednesday).

 

Story kept me reading until 1 am so it was definitely interesting. Again a few typos, much of the same variety as in Final Death. As in Final Death (I didn't voice this there) I felt that there were certain parts that could have used more detail and some parts that felt slightly incoherent (particularly the Royal Guard and Mellara getting there quickly, the impression given earlier was that it would take days).

 

All in all a most enjoyable read.

 

*schedules next part for tomorrow*

[Patrick]

And moving on again...Final Memories.

 

Firstly, it is a very well titled piece. Kept me captivated till the end. Will that placeholder towards the beginning of the story ever be filled in or have you totally forgotten about it? I actually think that the story flowed pretty well without it, maybe just an added paragraph for the passage of time could work. The scenes in the tower towards the end of the story answered quite a few questions, but the story also managed to raise its fair share of questions.

 

*reserves time for Final War for tomorrow*

[Orlan]

Thanks for the comments Patrick! It actually makes me feed good (and bad at the same time) that you got so into the stories you put off the EXCITING WORLD OF SCHOOL WORK!!! to finish it up. I've read stories like that and I take it as the highest praise, so thank you!

[Gwaihir]

Ha. I should have told you that I did the same thing for the first or so of your big projects. (Since then I graduated from college and have had a job for a few years--clearly you should write more ; )

[Orlan]

lol, I suffer from the same malady...You'd think no more schoolwork would make me write more...curses for gainful employment tiring you out!

[Da_Yog]

I sent these comments to Orlan via messenger and I believe he intoned that I should post them here. If I was mistaken I apologize. Mostly I focused on detail work. By no means am I suggesting that all of these have to or even should be implemented. They exist merely to provide direction should Orlan wish to take another look at editing the piece.

 

Paragraph 1) Good opening. You start with action and it grabs the reader's attention. Always a good thing.

 

Paragraph 3) At the end of the paragraph you mention that Navien can make out "the outline of someone". This is a good place to give the reader some tantalizing clue. Describe the outline in some way. It doesn't have to be a long description. Here are a few things to think about in that regard: was it a lean sillhouette? Was it a flitting shadow among the trees? Does the outline belong to a physically powerful person? Does it perhaps hate the sun? Just a few thoughts to get the creative juices flowing.

 

Paragraph 6) Here is where Navien throws the daggers at the target. This is an important moment. The story up until this point has built up for this moment. I would like to see it dragged out a little longer. How do the daggers tumble through the air? What do they look like? Are they ornate and richly decorated or plain and well-crafted? Are they magical? How does Navien feel about the loss of his daggers? A lot can be said about Naiven through the daggers. I.e. if they are inlaid with gold and intricately carved it shows that he has great wealth and a flare for the dramatic. If they are simple but of excellent balance and lacking any rust it shows him to be a man who is all business.

 

Paragraph 7) Is his bandoleer full of daggers or does he only carry 4-6?

 

Paragraph 5: You wrote, "...things would go sour fast." The use of would implies that things will difinitively go sour fast. At least in this piece you give no clarification as to why this is true. Something to keep in mind as you finish the story.

 

Queen Dayane: I don't know if you wrote of the background insurrection that led to her being queen in a previous story or if that is a chapter you wish to reveal later in this one but getting a little background here for new readers would be nice.

 

Part 2, Paragraph 3: You wrote, "Her marelous staff, topped with a golden serpent, was perched against the chair, not rolling away like it should but remaining perfectly still." This was an excellent way of both describing the ease and power of Mellara's magic as well as give a wonderful description of magic. Nicely done.

 

Part 2, Paragraph 7: You wrote, "Dayane noticed that all the Royal Guard seemed to stand at the ready at all times." This would be a nice place to interject an emotional response from Dayane. How does she feel about this? Is she pleased, flattered, amused etc.? There seems to be a certain side of her that rejects the stuffy formality of being queen.

 

Part 2, Paragraoh 11: "...he said and offered her a quick wink." Nice touch that gives a good insight into his personality.

 

Part 2, paragraph 14: "Anywhere that Dayane made eye contact the individual would give her a bow and teh queen would acknowledge them with a nod of her head." Even if she does find this behavior tedious her response of a nod implies that she cares about the people that serve her. A mean or callous ruler would only respond if no bow was given. Again, this provides some good insight into personality.

 

Part 2, Paragragh 15: Nice scene with the child to get some insights into Dayane's personality. Her irreverence for formality shows through in the wink.

 

Part 2, Paragraph 16: Excellent foreshadowing of dark times and that soon the queen's boredom will come to an end.

 

Part 2, Paragraph 28: Where is/What is Faowind? Was this revealed in another story or is this information to come later? Some clue for new readers would be nice though perhaps difficult to work in...

 

Part 2, Paragraph 35: Al fortells of a female assassin then in the beginning of part three Dayane expresses shock that the assassin was female. Perhaps her shock should come earlier with Al's prophecy.

 

Part2, Paragraph 41: '"Lets go meet my would be murderer then," Dayane said.' Was this spoken with bile/contempt/venom/fear/anger etc.?

 

Nice depections of the elf in part three. I like the descriptions of the language in particular. Overall nicely done, and I hope I have some more free time on my hands when the next installment comes out. :-)