Silver WInd Posted August 29, 2007 Report Posted August 29, 2007 I rather liked Reverie's idea, so I created a cinquain sequence of my own. Call A voice whispered inside sung as a silent prayer the answer appears a blank page can you hear me? crying the night each tear with a message breathing the words within your ears can you hear me? ignore the truth washed away upon your shore left to rust if not discovered can you hear me? close your eyes and listen for the call while wind and water speak your name hear me!
reverie Posted August 30, 2007 Report Posted August 30, 2007 repetitions adds a nice element to it. Makes it seem more like a repeating French form than the intended Japanese. God, I love hybrids. Too cool.
Silver WInd Posted August 30, 2007 Author Report Posted August 30, 2007 Thank you very much, I thought the repition worked well for the theme behind this poem.
Ozymandias Posted September 17, 2007 Report Posted September 17, 2007 I REALLY like the breaks inbetween "can you" and "hear me?". They look great (very eye catching!), and I imagine it to sound quite somber, yet commanding at the same time when read aloud. "sung as a silent prayer the answer appears a blank page" being written before "crying the night each tear with a message breathing the words within your ears" conjured a powerful image of someone trying to write, finding themselves unable to, and talking their way through the message (to themselves/to someone who is far, far away). "Tear", you see, as you used it in that stanza, after the first one referred to a blank page, made me wonder if the speaker wasn't tearing the useless pages apart as they speak. Out of frustration? Despair? I don't know, but this is lovely, in the truest sense.
Kikuyu_Black_Paws Posted September 21, 2007 Report Posted September 21, 2007 Very nice Silver Wind. I seem to be seeing your name more and more often amid this area of the keep . And I must say I am never disappointed! All of your work is entertaining and soulful. This piece particularly touched me. I can't wait to read more!!!
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