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The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

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Posted (edited)

Figured this one is so close to complete, why bother with the workshop.

Thought I'd follow up Silver Wind's lead and see what I could manage out of a Cinquin.

Or rather a Cinq-Cinquain.

 

Yeah I know the ending sucks.

 

8/28/2007

 

Dance Lessons in August

 

The heat

serves us well. We

would be dancers prone too

often to leave our partners damp.

Be cool

 

Young friend

And spin her round

her halo tip, as you

twirl in step if only for a

moment.

 

Change up

your style: Sashay

that hip, spot turn—No, yes

Now—Fling out that wrist. Can you feel

it, how?

 

But turn

it down. It’s too

much that beat. Try it quick-

quick slow — box out that one two three.

Lead on

 

Boy, there’s

plenty of girls

out taken turns. Why care?

Just ask. A dance is just a dance

Just ask.

Edited by reverie
Posted (edited)

thanks, yeah I found an example of it online so went for it. Wanted to tie my hands sort of speak with this one. Insert some intentional awkwardness to mirror someone learning dance steps. Is experiment. :)

Edited by reverie
  • 4 weeks later...
Posted

I really like the way that this poem's structure relays the feeling of a dance, reverie. :-) I find the manner that you incorporate punctuation and line breaks in the third and fourth stanzas particularly effective, as it conveys a change of tempo that feels like a dance flowing in tighter, faster movements. Very nice use of a traditional poetic form. I agree with you that the ending is the weakest point of the poem, but I wouldn't go so far to say that it sucks... dropping the repetition of "Just ask" might be a step towards improving it, since that element didn't seem to add anything in my opinion.

 

Anyway, well done reverie. :-) Thanks for sharing this, I hope you got a good grade on it.

  • 2 months later...
Posted (edited)

Took it out of it's form and played around a little.

 

12/8/2007

 

 

 

Dance Lessons in August

 

The heat serves us well, I think.

I, a dancer more in my dreams

then ever on the floor,

so often prone to leave her

damp with cold and sudden ick.

 

Be cool, young friend

her smiling eyes say,

remember I too am learning,

but won’t you spin me

round my halo tip, our hands raised

angled and delicate

as we twirl in step if only for

a moment.

 

I change up my style

to fit the song that’s next

searching for the step that best: a sashay of hip?

or a spot turn now—no, yes

Now—Fuck, I should have

flung that wrist.

 

I will get it right

on this beats turn, when it’s quick-

quick slow, quick-

quick slow,

quick-

quick slow,

quick-

quick slow,

Yeah, I should probably

turn her, now.

Edited by reverie
Posted

I think the first version is much better, Reverie. The second doesn't quite (to me) convey that same sense of the dance itself that Wyvern mentioned far better than I could. The second version has more words, and I felt that took away from the quick-dance-step feeling that made the first one so good.

  • 3 months later...
Posted (edited)

Took Elvina's advice and recast it in the original form. Seem's I inadvertently repeated the 3rd six-syllable line in my 3rd stanza. Hmm, actually, I think that kind of gives it a nice symmectrical feel.

 

4/2/2008

 

Dance Lessons in August

 

The heat

serves us well—we

dancers reluctant and

pressed, leaving angels’ palms damp with

nervous

 

sweat. Look

up young friend, her

eyes so clear, as you spin

her ‘round her halo’s tip or pour

her low

 

across

your hip, holding

close a cradled arch till

you embrace her back up-

right again. Can you feel her smile

when you

 

change up

your style: Sashay

that hip, spot turn—no, yes

Now—fling out that wrist? Or turn it

down. It’s

 

too much

that beat. Move her

quick, quick, slow; let the pulse

lead through your feet—stand, don’t fold and

retreat.

Edited by reverie
  • 1 month later...
Posted

Hey reverie, i think the last version is the best of all three. :D it gave me desire to dance too ^_^ Good job.

 

Thanks, dancing should be in everyone's life.

 

cheers,

 

revery

the dreamlost

"still on sabbatical"

the dream continues...

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