Silver WInd Posted August 18, 2007 Report Share Posted August 18, 2007 (edited) The Cursed Queen Tears of poison down her cheeks a slipper of ivy on her feet bound in vines she is held tight while her heart is cased in thorns. Beneath the soul where roots are left to dangle, she withers a curse upon her breast. Dead leaves to make her bed she lays her head within the brambles until the touch of moon caress to call her out from the depths. Blooms in full starlight where darkness conceals a beauty to be lost. So she bleeds to make sacred the ground a stain in red her only marker. By the dawns light she must retreat to sink into her grave again. Edited August 26, 2007 by Silver Wind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted August 22, 2007 Report Share Posted August 22, 2007 Very nice poem, Silver Wind. :-) I really like the menacing plant imagery you use throughout it in describing the cursed queen, as it gives her a very ancient and tortured feel. I particularly like the slippers of ivy, the bed of dead leaves and brambles, and the vines and thorns that hold her down. "Blooms" is also a cool verb to describe the queen's nightly hauntings with, and the poison tears are a nice touch. The only choice of words that irks me a bit is "marker" in the fifth stanza, as I think that "mark" might work a little smoother and clearer there. Very well done once again, Silver Wind. :-) Thanks for sharing this. Wyvern glances down at the magazines still gathered at his feet and considers searching through them for pics of the Cursed Queen, but notes her withered and bloody state and decides against it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silver WInd Posted August 22, 2007 Author Report Share Posted August 22, 2007 Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elvina Posted August 26, 2007 Report Share Posted August 26, 2007 Hi Silver Wind! I liked this very much. The imagery (Wyv touched on the 'menacing plant' imagery too) was great. I had a few thoughts as to what might help some parts flow better while I was reading this. I thought you might like to consider them. Tears of poison down her cheeks a slipper of ivy on her feet bond in vines she is held tight while her heart is cased in thorns. Perhaps "bound in vines"? Dead leaves to make her bed she lays her head within the brambles until the touch of moon caress to call her out from the depths. How about, "until the touch of moon caresses/calling her out from the depths". I don't know if you needed a specific number of syllables for this style though... Very nice. Elvina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silver WInd Posted August 26, 2007 Author Report Share Posted August 26, 2007 Thank you, Perhaps "bound in vines"? Thanks for catching that, I will go and fix it. This one is acutally a free verse, so there are no real rules for syllables and such for this one. Thank you for the suggestions, I will consider it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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