The rain.

[lessthaninnocent]

The Rain

 

At my workdesk;

Everything still, stifling.

Hot air enfolds around me like tupperwear.

Breathing the thick heat seems unnatural.

 

Suddenly, a drip. The infamous piter-patter,

Slowly, the window fills with speckles,

Like a transparent leopard,

Making the trees outside a mirage.

 

The clouds heave and gasp.

The heavens open.

The blank clouds expressionless,

As they throw the rain thundering onto the window.

The speckles turn to great tears of rain.

As if to echo the windows sadness, the air cools.

 

I walk to the window,

Smell the glittering gift.

The grass smells of sweet mown hay,

A savoury scent adding sharpness to the aroma.

 

The rain hardens.

A great transparent river fills the centre of my window,

Arrow shapes, of sheets, of water.

 

The rain becomes irregular outside.

It is nearly spent,

After the great effort.

All I hear is the gutteral gurgling of the drain pipe,

Swallowing its nourishment.

[Peredhil]

Wow, welcome indeed!

 

I like your vivid similes, and how you move the reader through the scene.

[reverie]

Not bad. Some of your smilies and metaphors could use some streamlining though.

 

For example:

 

Hot air enfolds around me like tupperwear.

 

While hot air may enfold you as a cloud would. IMHO, Tupperwear evokes a stronger association: as in to seal, encase, or enclose.

 

Or alternately you could just drop "around" (a word that would serve to emphasis the primarily meaning of "enfold") and the stronger connotations of the secondarily meaning of "enfold" should carry the line. Don't ask how I know this, am going on instinct.

 

---

 

Suddenly, a drip. The infamous piter-patter,

 

Saying "a drip" then full stopping it with a period implies you mean like a single drop of rain. Nothing wrong with that, but then you qualify that statement or follow it with "The infamouse piter-patter." Piter-patter implies more than one, so I don't think it can fully describe "a drip." Simple solution is to add the word "then" somewhere in the line e.g.

 

Suddenly, a drip. Then the infamous piter-patter,

 

Or skip the "then" and insert a line-break after "drip" and change "the" to "an":

Suddenly, a drip.

An infamouse piter-patter,

 

Combination of a full stop and a line break might be enough to carry the effect of an entirely new set of actions across, if I've read it right...maybe.

 

---

 

The clouds heave and gasp.

The heavens open.

The blank clouds expressionless,

 

Saying clouds "heave and gasp" has personified them, so it makes me wonder why you leave them "bland" and "expressionless." Your first line in this stanza has created an opportunity, you should take it.

 

***

 

Try this on for size:

 

The rain becomes irregular outside.

It is nearly spent, <--- lose the comma

After the great effort. <--- maybe nix the period, maybe

And all I hear

is the gutteral gurgling

of the drain pipe, below.[/i]

 

 

All and all not bad. I like it. Altered your last line because I felt the further personification of the drain pipe was unnecessarily. The "gut" carries it.

 

look forward to more.

 

rev...

Edited August 12, 2007 by reverie

[Wyvern]

Very nicely done, mindofvividcolors. :-) I really like your vivid descriptions and the manner that you bring the various elements of rain to life through poetic techniques. You paint a very detailed and clear picture of rainfall from an office window, but do so in a way that makes it feel like more than just a common occurrence. I really like the progression from "speckles" to "tears" to a "glittering gift," though the personification of the "window's sadness" in the tear stanza felt a bit awkward to me... possibly because the personification of nature like clouds and rain felt more genuine to me than the personification of an inanimate object like a window.

 

Anyway, this is very well done mindofvividcolors. :-) Thanks for sharing it here, and welcome to the Pen! I look forward to reading more of your stuff.