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The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

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hey guys how ya doin been in a slump lately and desided to try my hand at something new....it turned out horibly:( but being the perfectionist i am (or so says anyone i personaly know) i won't stop till it sound correct. i've already ade several corrections and it sounds better...but it somehow sounds like its starting off wrong any sugestions?? or am i just crazy??

If you all can help i would so apreciate the assitance. in advance: thank you much.

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