The whirlwind

[hig4s]

The Whirlwind

 

Gray storm clouds rise

To form a thought

Heartless greed does aim

Cold steel fires a shot

 

But the storm has spread

Too late to stop

Coins dig furrows in the dirt

So for diamonds we do opt

 

Before the wheel we were

Born in philosophy and art

Before the wheel we are

Enduring with passions hot

 

The fabric waves overhead

But spirit no longer touches the land

The reason it has gone to pot

Lies buried in the ground

 

The seeds of the future acquiesce

To the reign of black wealth

Optimism battles infinities squall

Dawn beckons compassion’s health

[Wyvern]

Very nice poem, hig4s. :-) The main storm and dirt metaphors of the piece were well-executed, as was the personification of material objects and mindstates like greed and optimism. The anti-materialism theme of the piece is also intriguing, and I really like the lines about people being born into philosophy and art prior to the invention of the wheel. "The Whirlwind" is also a very interesting title for the poem, as the manner that the imagery is arranged in it does give off the impression of a whirlwind in a way.

 

In terms of possible things to improve: the fourth line of the third stanza felt a little forced to me due to the placement of the adjective after the noun to enforce the rhyme scheme... you might consider tweaking that line in future revisions, whether it be by finding an alternative to the rhyme scheme or by dropping the rhyme there (I notice that the second to last stanza places less of an emphasis on the rhymes and more on the content).

 

Anyway, this is good stuff hig4s. Thanks for sharing it here. :-)

 

With that, Wyvern hisses in disgust at the portrayal of golden coins and wealth in hig4s's work, and decides to bury his snout into something that places more value in monetary values... ;-)

[hig4s]

Oh thanks,, I pretty much gave up on the rhyme scheme by the fourth stanza because I couldn't say what I was feeling and stick with it, I hadn't realized I had forced it in the third. The infinitive verb didn't help either, I usually try to avoid them. I'll have to think that one over, again thanks.

Edited July 26, 2007 by hig4s

[Parmenion]

to help with the rhyme ground = sand? same kinda thing.

 

I usually find this website useful:

 

Need a Rhyme?