hig4s Posted July 18, 2007 Report Posted July 18, 2007 The Whirlwind Gray storm clouds rise To form a thought Heartless greed does aim Cold steel fires a shot But the storm has spread Too late to stop Coins dig furrows in the dirt So for diamonds we do opt Before the wheel we were Born in philosophy and art Before the wheel we are Enduring with passions hot The fabric waves overhead But spirit no longer touches the land The reason it has gone to pot Lies buried in the ground The seeds of the future acquiesce To the reign of black wealth Optimism battles infinities squall Dawn beckons compassion’s health
Wyvern Posted July 19, 2007 Report Posted July 19, 2007 Very nice poem, hig4s. :-) The main storm and dirt metaphors of the piece were well-executed, as was the personification of material objects and mindstates like greed and optimism. The anti-materialism theme of the piece is also intriguing, and I really like the lines about people being born into philosophy and art prior to the invention of the wheel. "The Whirlwind" is also a very interesting title for the poem, as the manner that the imagery is arranged in it does give off the impression of a whirlwind in a way. In terms of possible things to improve: the fourth line of the third stanza felt a little forced to me due to the placement of the adjective after the noun to enforce the rhyme scheme... you might consider tweaking that line in future revisions, whether it be by finding an alternative to the rhyme scheme or by dropping the rhyme there (I notice that the second to last stanza places less of an emphasis on the rhymes and more on the content). Anyway, this is good stuff hig4s. Thanks for sharing it here. :-) With that, Wyvern hisses in disgust at the portrayal of golden coins and wealth in hig4s's work, and decides to bury his snout into something that places more value in monetary values... ;-)
hig4s Posted July 26, 2007 Author Report Posted July 26, 2007 (edited) Oh thanks,, I pretty much gave up on the rhyme scheme by the fourth stanza because I couldn't say what I was feeling and stick with it, I hadn't realized I had forced it in the third. The infinitive verb didn't help either, I usually try to avoid them. I'll have to think that one over, again thanks. Edited July 26, 2007 by hig4s
Parmenion Posted July 27, 2007 Report Posted July 27, 2007 to help with the rhyme ground = sand? same kinda thing. I usually find this website useful: Need a Rhyme?
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