Patrick Posted July 12, 2007 Report Posted July 12, 2007 Just an idea which came while I took the train to work in the morning...I don't think I'll be coming back to it, thus I'm posting it in the Banquet Room and not the Workshop. Go on, just take the glass, Maybe it'll help things pass. Is it a blessing or a curse? Does it make things worse? Drink so you can forget Without a single regret. Your life on the bottom of a glass, You slowly sip it all away. How long will this shit last? How long can it stay this way? Get a hold on your life, You're destroying it. Get yourself a life, Come on out of that pit.
Wyvern Posted July 13, 2007 Report Posted July 13, 2007 Nicely done, Patrick. :-) My favorite lines in this poem were definitely "Your life on the bottom of a glass,/ You slowly sip it all away," as the metaphor there was an interesting one and the image had a real feeling of finality and desperation to it. The subject matter of the poem was also very heartfelt, and the angry tone showed the concern of the narrator for the person the poem was addressed to. My only quibble is that the structure of the poem didn't always compliment its content in my opinion, as the strict rhyme scheme of the poem felt a little forced to me at times. Should you ever choose to revise it, my recommendation would be to focus less on fitting the poem into a pattern and to let the words and imagery speak for themselves. Anyway, this is a nice piece Patrick. :-) Thanks for sharing it.
Patrick Posted July 13, 2007 Author Report Posted July 13, 2007 I'm glad that you both like it. While still in the train I had a pretty good picture of the poem last morning, but of course I did not have any paper, or keyboard, so had to piece it back together half an hour later, which gave the result that is now. Thanks for the suggestion Wyv. If ever I do come back to this piece, I'll be sure to take it into account.
AshtonBlades Posted July 13, 2007 Report Posted July 13, 2007 See, this is why I don't drink, so I don't end up like that. I like the poem, it reminds you how dangerous drinking can be.
Patrick Posted May 25, 2008 Author Report Posted May 25, 2008 I see you're still doing it, Can't let go of this shit. Is it simply lack of will That causes you this ill? Get a grip on yourself And leave the bottle on the shelf. You'll see you'll be better And you'll feel less bitter. Still the same crappy rhymes, but hey, that's the only way I write poems.
Recommended Posts