The Almost Report vs. Mr. Pwnage

[Wyvern]

Sneaky edit by Patrick: those with Tower access, check this post.

 

The cameras move across what appears to be a wall covered in pink wallpaper and neon daisy patterns, which both look worn from age and lack of use. The cameras wobble away from the wall in order to focus on Wyvern, who sits perched on a box of Almost Dragonic Brand Hissy Mardrax Freestyle Cassette Tapes™ with a little black book raised to his snout. The overgrown lizard snickers to himself and tosses the tiny volume to the side. He freezes up as the fragile spine of the tome snaps, and lets out a nervous laugh as the pages fall loose and become lost in the coat of dust that spans the floor.

 

"Eheheh*EHEM!* Welcome to another episssode of the Almost Report." Wyvern's voice echoes a bit as it travels through the abandoned chamber. "Reporting to you live from the old Pen hauntsss of Mr. Pwnage himself, Ashtonblades! That's right... in an effort to sell more Almost Dragonic Brand Freestyle Mini-mall™-based products, we've decided to host thisss report at the ruins of Mr. Pwnage's former Pen abode. I'm sure the recently dethroned Freestyle King has a far more pimped out Pen pad at the moment, but it'sss always important to go back to one'sss roots to discover how one rose to infamy! Especially when the rise to infamy involved pink wallpaper with daisies on it."

 

Wyvern clears his throat and blows his nose on a sheet labeled 'Prize Rhyme Journal Index' that had fallen from the broken book. He then pulls a small page of news items from his left wing tip and glances over it with a grin.

 

"In thisss week's news, Almost Draconic Recordings seems to officially be ssseeking story track submissions from Pen members for the upcoming Mighty Pen 'Narratives' mix project. Rumor has it that story tracks involving Wyvern in harems are 50% more likely to be included on the final mix. Ssstay tuned over the course of the next few weeks as we investigate this intriguing story in further detail..."

 

Wyvern winks to the cameras, then licks a claw and moves it down the page.

 

"In further newsss: remnants of Mr. Pwnage's old quarters can be yours for the keeping when you shop at the Almost Dragonic Brand Freestyle Mini-mall™. After all, who needsss wack M.C battling when you can buy all the ghostwriting material you need for half the price? C'mon down!"

 

Wyvern pauses and turns towards the wall, lifting a claw to his chin.

 

"And now, we bring you 'Unsssolved Mysssteries of the Rash and Arrogant.'" Wyvern coughs and quickly tosses on a Rod Sterling jacket and a one-size-fits-all-horns detective cap. "The question for tonight's program: was the wallpaper an act of vengeance carried out by Salinye, or did Ashtonblades actually choose it's quirky and feminine design? Join usss as we delve deeper into the-"

 

Static.

Edited July 11, 2007 by Patrick

[AshtonBlades]

Sice when did libel become a part of battle rapping? Maybe someone with your comprehension of battling needs a ghostwriter, but not me. Say what you will, dude, I'm just that good. I see a battle post, and I retaliate on the spot. That's it. I'm a little dissapointed, Wyvern. I thought we were both having fun with this, but apparently it's that time of the month for you.

 

Oh yeah, I'm still the Freestyle King, son. Nobody has beaten me yet. If you want me to lose so bad, stop complaining and battle me one on one yourself, instead of sending Mardrax after me.

[Wyvern]

The static clears after a few minutes to reveal Wyvern sitting next to a large crystal ball. The overgrown lizard adjusts the cuff of his grey suite as the image of Ashtonblades finishes speaking with the line "... sending Mardrax after me." Wyvern flashes a toothy grin at the cameras, then twists his one-size-fits-all-horns hat to the side to make it more "hip hop." He cocks a claw back at the crystal ball.

 

"Mad. Knowledge. Yo." Wyvern nudges the crystal ball with his foot, turning it so that Ashtonblades' image is facing the cameras. "To thossse of you just joining us on 'Unsssolved Mysssteries of the Rash and Arrogant,' we've got our first caller on the line - none other than Mr. Pwnage himself, Ashtonbladesss! Indeed, this could end up being the easiest sssolved mystery we've come across on the show yet..."

 

Wyvern raises a claw and poses it in what looks like a poor attempt at a klingon greeting. A troglyodyte cameraman rushes on-screen for a moment in order to readjust Wyvern's pose to make it look more like a legit hip hop gang sign... but fails.

 

"Now, before we get down to business and possse some serious questions, I'd like to answer Ashton's inqueries." Wyvern slaps his claws on his chest twice in the hopes of communicating "respect" in rapper sign language. "Concerning the law of libel and when it entered into freestyle battle rapping, I believe it was around the same time that ghostwriting became the hip-happenin' thing to do. You see, when the spirits of writersss such as Lord Byron and Edgar Allen Poe were summoned through verse, they took offense when incanters used lines such as 'Couldn't stand the heat, couldn't take the pain,/So I'll keep this short, come bring your best,/And you see poetic justice at its best.' Lines such as these fell far below the admittedly high standards of the ghostwriters, and the way the M.Cs attempted to claim that the ghosts wrote them made the spirits file for libel. I hope that explainsss things."

 

Wyvern pauses for a moment to lift up a sign advertising Almost Dragonic Brand Petrified Wood Bling™ for 30 geld, then turns towards the crystal ball once again with a frown.

 

"Anyway, to anssswer to the other comments: I would like to publically apologize to Ashtonblades over the air for claiming that his kingship was dethroned. I was mistaken, and I ran my forked tongue far too quickly. Indeed, Ashtonblades continues to hold the crown for 'Freestyle King.'" Wyvern glances towards the image of Ashtonblades in the crystal ball with an apologetic expression. "I hope you'll forgive me for the slip-up, Ashton. I was merely under the impression that you had lost the crown because of the obvious superiority of Mardrax's verses, both in terms of writing and content. I forgot to take into account, however, that the freestyle battle jury consssists of Judge Ashtonblades and nobody else!"

 

Wyvern raises a claw to his snout to stifle a snicker, then pulls a blank sheet of paper from his Devil's Advocate folder and begins to scribble.

 

"In the hopes of healing any woundsss caused by the slip-up I made on the air, I am inaugurating the first official Almost Dragonic Brand Ashtonblades Kingdom Fanclub™, which is available to anyone who wants to join for an entrance fee of a mere 350 geld (plusss tax). Once in the club, you'll get your very own mini rhyme-writing notebook, your own bottle of Johnson's Baby Shampoo, and your own Tyco toy boombox with cassette tapes for recording demos. Advance from Freestyle Pauper to Freestyle Prince in a matter of minutesss! No flow or rapping ability required... jussst have yer money ready and call 1-900-ICANONLYBEATMYSELF!"

 

Wyvern sets his detective hat back on straight and turns to the image of Ashtonblades with a sly grin.

 

"Now then, back to the program at hand. Ashtonbladesss - did you choossse the wallpaper of this room, or was this pink stuff an act of sabotage from one of yer many competitorsss?"

 

;-)

[AshtonBlades]

Ashton looks into the ball. "Clever Wyvern, but you don't have to show them your room. Good attempt to sabotage me, though." He claps his hands mockingly.

 

"As for you gestures and attempted gang signs, your ignorance of hip hop is evident. I never claimed a set or anything of the sort. The "AB" hand sign is a play of the initials of my name, not the hand sign of a bandana-clad group of delinquents. I will admit this is where the root of the idea came from, but is not the same thing." Ashton adjusts his backwars cap, and continues.

 

"I am not a spammer, contrary to Mardrax's beliefs. Last time I was here, I loved the battles. I had a lot of fun, thinking of new shit to defeat others. then i sorta fell away. I was looking through my emails and saw an old PM from here, and came back to the website. I looked up the first FREESTYLE TIME! and it brought back memories. So I thought, "It'll be fun finding new people to battle. So I started the topic again. I just found it suspicious that it took someone three days to reply to a post, is all. He got all uppity and shit, not me. I thought, 'this'll be fun.' So we battled, and them you jumped in. So I attacked you as well."

 

Ashton takes a swig of Tropicana Orange Juice to clear his throat.

 

"Mardrax is a good writer, I don't doubt that. I thought that you off all people would know the entire point of a battle is to clown the other MC. That's exactly what I'm doing. If he takes it personally, that's on him, not me. As for judges on the battles, you're the only one I've seen say a word." Ashton shrugs.

 

"Disregarding your jibes on ghostwriting, I just don't believe in it. Mainstream artists do that. The very idea of having someone write my shit makes me taste vomit. It's an insult to real battle MCs like myself and others. Mardrax analyzed me for seven days, then decided to retaliate. That's shady as hell, whether you admit it or not.

 

"I am a battle MC, on and off this board. The world of battling consists of thousands of MCs trying to reach that top spot. I know I'm the best, and do not believe otherwise. If I do, then I may as well throw in the towel now. As soon as I start doubting myself, I'll lose. Plain and simple. Rappers who have seconds thoughts about their skills never get anywhere, just like any other type of talent.

 

"I'm a rapper, not a Devil's Advocate. I apoligize for nothing I've posted. It's a rap battle, not a "Let's Be Friends" festival. If the stove is too hot, stay out the kitchen. That's all there is to it. I'm havin' fun with this, I thought everyone else was too."

 

Crystal ball fades to static, then clicks back on.

 

"Oh yeah, one mo' thang, yo. Keep your store open if you want. Every MC needs haters to stay on top."

 

Static.

[Peredhil]

Huh, welcome back Ashton! *hugs* Hope the military service gig is going well. I know we miss you here in the States. The idea of you ghost-writing must be a clown tribute from Wyvern. I *know* you in Real Life and know you stick to the immediate response standard.

 

The arrogant thing is kinda funny to me in its timing - I just saw an early video clip interview of Will Smith from his Fresh Prince days, in which he said much the same thing. He didn't need acting school for confidence - he was a rapper and used to putting up the front, even under attack, no matter how he felt, in front of thousands. Acting was easy after that.

 

Shall we all be Polite Pennites now? The Personae are for threads, not clever innuendo and attacks, methinks.

 

As always, Wyvern (who introduced me to REAL Hip-hop, even before I'd met Ashton), clever writing! Thanks for the news!

[Mardrax]

The crystal ball flicks on again, revealing a bit of Mardrax' robe around the stomach area.

 

"Ehrm... yeah. I mean. No. I mean. Ashton, yeah. 'The great AB'. 'The wackest MC on WyvTV'."

 

A slight pause, certainly accompanied by some gesture, though just looking at the cloth move, it's impossible to tell what.

 

"Sorry mate, if I made you fear, fear being analysed, fear my words to be sincere. Other than you, I have other occupations, a life to fend for, relationship tribulations. It might at times take me 7 days to get a break, but if you think I analyse you, I take you personal, you make a big mistake. Though I won't be the one to blame you for any mistakes you make. What I would prefer though, if you would indulge me, is to take another second, to read over what you see. I for example never called you spammer, I welcome you to the fray, but I'll be offensive if you want me to, if you have to be that way.

Don't doubt yourself though realise there's much to learn, a lot to see, a lot to hear for that top spot to earn.

As for me, I'm having fun, for Norman, I cannot tell, but knowing him he'd walk away 'fore making his life hell.

As for Wyv, he's full of shit, you know him like I do, so disregard him as you see fit. For now, I salute you."

 

The robes move backward a bit, allowing a somewhat wider scope of Mardrax' chest just before a mass of hair moves down and back up, totally filling up the crystal ball, just before it flicks off again.

Edited July 12, 2007 by Mardrax

[Norman]

I just here to play your game,

i just find your use of profanity a shame.

 

-Norman

[Patrick]

*steps in*

 

Use of profanity like shit and fuck is not permitted on the public parts of the boards with the exception of the Scarlett Pen. Please refrain from using them. At worst if you don't find a solution where you don't use them, at least star out the usually censored letters. Minors may also be visiting the boards.

 

*steps out*

[Wyvern]

The static clears once again as Wyvern taps a claw on the crystal ball and shakes it a bit to recapture Ashtonblades' image on the screen. He grins towards the cameras, grinning further when he notices the rising ratings for the show, then pats the crystal ball on the back as if Ashtonblades were standing there in person.

 

"Welcome back to Unsolved Mysssteries of the Rash and Arrogant, hosted right here on the Almost Report - yer one-stop muckraking spot!" Wyvern raises a claw in the air to cue up an applause soundtrack, which amounts to the sound of one troll clapping. "We're just about out of time for the evening, but wouldn't want to leave you viewers without a bit of live beef, brought to you exxxclusssive courteousy of current freestyle rivals Ashtonblades and Mardrax! The cryssstal ball has been glowing off the chain this evening!"

 

Wyvern turns towards the crystal ball, its image now split three ways between Ashtonblades, Mardrax, and Peredhil. The overgrown lizard rubs his claws together and lets his forked tongue flick out with a cackle.

 

"To address a few thingsss - this ain't my Pen digs I'm standing in here, Ashtonblades, though I tend to end up crashing all over the place while scheming, so I may have slept here once or twice in the past. As for your accusation that I'm trying to sssabotage you, it's completely unfounded." Wyvern shoves a can of pink paint that's slightly visible on the floor with his foot so that it moves off-screen. "Completely unfounded, yesss."

 

Wyvern wipes the spots of neon daisy paint still visible on his claws onto his pants, then clears some of the ashes from his throat with a loud cough.

 

"As for not believing in ghostwriting, you might want to consult with one of our spirit communicatorsss at the Pen so they can reveal the truth about ghosssts being invoked through verse. Just be careful 'bout the libel thing." Wyvern tosses on what looks like a gnarled twig hanging on a necklace, and raises a price tag hanging from the accessory that reads "Almost Dragonic Brand Petrified Wood Bling™ - 30 geld." He then poses with a claw in what still looks like a klingon greeting. "And I wasss unaware of the 'AB' hand sssign thing... I'll be sure to add a rapper sign language dictionary to the Almost Dragonic Brand Ashtonblades Kingdom Fanclub™ entrance fee!"

 

Wyvern bows to the crystal ball, then turns to the cameras.

 

"That'sss about all the time we have for this evening, folks. Remember: only lisssten to hip hop rappers that have gone multi-platinum, that's where the real money's at." Wyvern raises a claw as he remembers something, then slowly turns back to the crystal ball. "Oh, and Mardrax, my sssales of Almost Dragonic Brand Steamy Gorgon Manure™ ended several years ago. Sssorry to disappoint."

[AshtonBlades]

Crystal ball gets clear HDTV quality, a image of AshtonBlades and Peredhil on it.

 

"Yo, Peredhil! What's up, man?" Ashton and Peredhil fist pound.

 

"It's great to hear from you again. Thanks for clearing up that for everyone. I've known you for a while, and I trust your judgement. It's just a contest, not to be taken personally. I just wish more people would get involved, as good as Mardrax is. We can all have fun with this."

 

Pauses, and listens to Mardrax's monolouge. He nods his head in understanding.

 

"Duly noted, yo. I have the same stuff goin' on, but in battling you use any advantage you can take. I just hope you can continue posting. I haven't had a battle this exciting since Salinye!" Salutes Mardrax.

 

Suddenly, Norman the Runt flickers on and says, "I just here to play your game, I just find your use of profanity a shame." He flickers away, and Ashton returns.

 

"Fine, no more cursing, I said it and you've all witnessed it, not that my halt of profanity will make any difference." Ashton sniggers and continues.

 

"Compromised reached, yo. Now let's continue to kick the crap out of each other in these battles! Until the next Almost Report, peace out, son!" Throws up AB sign. His iced out "AB" initialed chain gleams brightly.

 

Static.