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The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

Saturday Morning


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So I wrote this about my best friend. lately he's been spending a lot of time with this really manipulative girl that no ne likes and forgetting his plans with people because of it, and that is what this is about in a nutshell.

 

Calluses peeling

Revealing new flesh

I guess

it's been awhile since I last swung my sword

In your direction

As you retreated into the trees

Laughing while you shouldered defeat

 

My beds been feeling

Comfortable again

It's been awhile since I last woke up on your couch

Voice husky in the morning

And you're rolling a cigarette beside me

On your floor to the hum of the heater

 

Is she worth the looks that you give her?

Coy remarks on your manhood

As she slips away slyly creeping

Out the backdoor when I'm sleeping

And on your floor you're lighting your cigarette

Head bowed admitting defeat

 

And you are doing

Your best

I guess

You'll always be a mess on Saturday mornings

Smiling as you are smoking your cigarette

Like it's supposed to keep you breathing

By blackening your lungs

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While I adore the imagery in this poem, and each block of thought, I can't seem to bring them together into a poem with a beginning and an end. . .typing this out, I realize, it's the end I'm missing. The last stanza doesn't cap the poem even when I stick the punctuation back onto it, at the least not as strongly as the other stanzas end themselves. Shuffling the verses around doesn't fix the problem, and ruins the structure, but it does lessen the feeling of trailing off into nothing. Was there another line or two at the end once, scrubbed afterwards?

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eh, I think it works Q. Though, I'd nix the last line and just let it end on the "breathing" Or: Like it is the thing/one that is supposed to keep you breathing.

 

 

It's a poem of reflection and causation (is that the right word?) Oh punctuation could improve it, maybe. And a few revised line breaks here and there, but it basically goes:

 

Stanza 1

 

Persona reflects on Effect of physical change of her body. Explains change by recalling absent actions of/with friend.

 

Stanza 2

 

Persona reflects on mental change... I.E. her bed feels comfortable again, but she rather it wasn't.

Explains change as a result of change in friends actions / routines i.e. getting a new girlfriend.

 

Stanza 3

 

Climax of the Poem. Persona confronts friend (in her mind at least) about the cause of the change in their friendship.

 

Stanza 4

 

Acceptance of friend's actions (Though I agree it could be a little stronger)

 

----

 

Progression of the Cigarette in the last 3 stanza is a nice touch. Implies the Girlfriend is like the cigarette. Cool, fun, but deadly and takes a lot to keep up the habit.

 

Also, this poem hangs on sound. I do that sometimes.

 

Consider the following:

 

Calluses peeling

Revealing new flesh

I guess

it's been awhile since I last swung my sword (Alliteration)

In your direction

As you retreated into the trees

Laughing while you shouldered defeat

 

***

 

And you are doing

Your best

I guess

You'll always be a mess on Saturday mornings

Smiling as you are smoking your cigarette

Like it's supposed to keep you breathing

By blackening your lungs

 

...

 

I've mark the words in the poem that have similar sounds. And not so necessarily for rhyme, but for the sake of assonance.

 

Neat huh.

Edited by reverie
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