purple_shadows Posted June 28, 2007 Report Posted June 28, 2007 So I wrote this about my best friend. lately he's been spending a lot of time with this really manipulative girl that no ne likes and forgetting his plans with people because of it, and that is what this is about in a nutshell. Calluses peeling Revealing new flesh I guess it's been awhile since I last swung my sword In your direction As you retreated into the trees Laughing while you shouldered defeat My beds been feeling Comfortable again It's been awhile since I last woke up on your couch Voice husky in the morning And you're rolling a cigarette beside me On your floor to the hum of the heater Is she worth the looks that you give her? Coy remarks on your manhood As she slips away slyly creeping Out the backdoor when I'm sleeping And on your floor you're lighting your cigarette Head bowed admitting defeat And you are doing Your best I guess You'll always be a mess on Saturday mornings Smiling as you are smoking your cigarette Like it's supposed to keep you breathing By blackening your lungs
Quincunx Posted June 30, 2007 Report Posted June 30, 2007 While I adore the imagery in this poem, and each block of thought, I can't seem to bring them together into a poem with a beginning and an end. . .typing this out, I realize, it's the end I'm missing. The last stanza doesn't cap the poem even when I stick the punctuation back onto it, at the least not as strongly as the other stanzas end themselves. Shuffling the verses around doesn't fix the problem, and ruins the structure, but it does lessen the feeling of trailing off into nothing. Was there another line or two at the end once, scrubbed afterwards?
reverie Posted July 1, 2007 Report Posted July 1, 2007 (edited) eh, I think it works Q. Though, I'd nix the last line and just let it end on the "breathing" Or: Like it is the thing/one that is supposed to keep you breathing. It's a poem of reflection and causation (is that the right word?) Oh punctuation could improve it, maybe. And a few revised line breaks here and there, but it basically goes: Stanza 1 Persona reflects on Effect of physical change of her body. Explains change by recalling absent actions of/with friend. Stanza 2 Persona reflects on mental change... I.E. her bed feels comfortable again, but she rather it wasn't. Explains change as a result of change in friends actions / routines i.e. getting a new girlfriend. Stanza 3 Climax of the Poem. Persona confronts friend (in her mind at least) about the cause of the change in their friendship. Stanza 4 Acceptance of friend's actions (Though I agree it could be a little stronger) ---- Progression of the Cigarette in the last 3 stanza is a nice touch. Implies the Girlfriend is like the cigarette. Cool, fun, but deadly and takes a lot to keep up the habit. Also, this poem hangs on sound. I do that sometimes. Consider the following: Calluses peeling Revealing new flesh I guess it's been awhile since I last swung my sword (Alliteration) In your direction As you retreated into the trees Laughing while you shouldered defeat *** And you are doing Your best I guess You'll always be a mess on Saturday mornings Smiling as you are smoking your cigarette Like it's supposed to keep you breathing By blackening your lungs ... I've mark the words in the poem that have similar sounds. And not so necessarily for rhyme, but for the sake of assonance. Neat huh. Edited July 1, 2007 by reverie
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