purple_shadows Posted June 16, 2007 Report Posted June 16, 2007 (edited) Long time no post from me but I've had a random bought of creativity and have been writting more lately so yay! Here goes: It's only Europe Caffine and Cigarettes A bag of fast food wrappers, strewn The days little reminders Of you Away 7 countries 16 days And a cd Burned for you by me On the night you said you loved her Hugs held too long Cheek to cheek Words whispered in a song Assurence that I'll not be waiting long For you Away 7 countries 16 days And a cd Burned for you by me On your couch as you told me you loved her But I was the last to say good-bye The one to hold you that day you cried Who showed you the lightning splitting the sky And how thunder makes you clean By drowning out our deficiencies Hand in hand on your back porch In the downpour And Now you've gone away 7 countries 16days And a cd Burned for you by me Last night when you told me you loved her And it's my story Our story I can only hope that it will say What it is that I need it to say Be a comfort to you while you're away 7 countries 16 days You can't rush these things It's only europe revised version posted in a reply below Edited June 28, 2007 by purple_shadows
reverie Posted June 18, 2007 Report Posted June 18, 2007 (edited) i like it. might consider re-looking the lineation in a of couple places. This is how I would approach it. Not that yours is wrong, it's just my take on it. Caffine (sp) and Cigarettes A bag of fast food wrappers, strewn, the day's little reminders of you away 7 countries 16 days (nice touch, #'s format creates inherent pauses: neat) And a cd (capitalize) burned (d/c) for you by me on the night you said you loved her Edited June 18, 2007 by reverie
purple_shadows Posted June 20, 2007 Author Report Posted June 20, 2007 i like it. might consider re-looking the lineation in a of couple places. This is how I would approach it. Not that yours is wrong, it's just my take on it. Caffine (sp) and Cigarettes A bag of fast food wrappers, strewn, the day's little reminders of you away 7 countries 16 days (nice touch, #'s format creates inherent pauses: neat) And a cd (capitalize) burned (d/c) for you by me on the night you said you loved her I am revising it. the lineation is staying basically the same, because I perform this as spoken word and it's how I read it. Most of whats changing is some of the wording and removing a few lines. But I do appreciate the critique and will take it into consideration when preparing the not-so-final product.
reverie Posted June 20, 2007 Report Posted June 20, 2007 oh cool, it's takes a certain flair to pull off spoken word, and if you can do that then you got a lot going for you. One the things I'm currently hashing out is trying to create page poetry whose syntax and general lay out would dictate how the poem should be read a loud. Which is kind of sort of possible with punctuation and lineation, so long as the reader agrees w/ my interpretation of use of punctuation or lack there of in my poem. Finding a happy medium is what I'm going for.
Wyvern Posted June 25, 2007 Report Posted June 25, 2007 I like this poem, purple shadows. :-) Your uses of detail give this piece a personal feel that's evocative and easy to relate to, and the subject matter is really heartfelt. I particularly like the refrain with its original reference to the loved one being "7 countries, 16 days" away, and am curious to hear what the poem would sound like when read as a spoken word piece. The reference to the thunder making people "clean" was also an interesting use of language, and the image of the downpour was nicely incorporated. The last two lines of the poem were the only thing that irked me a little, as they seemed a bit more direct than the rest of the piece to me and broke the tone a bit... perhaps they could be expanded into a slightly larger stanza that fits in with the tangible details of the rest of the piece? Anyway, it's great to see you posting around here again purple shadows. :-) Here's hoping that the bout of creativity lasts for some time to come so that we can see more of you!
purple_shadows Posted June 28, 2007 Author Report Posted June 28, 2007 So here is the revised version and sparkly and shiney and new. Special thanks to HappyBuddha for taking the time to pour over it with me. Caffeine and cigarettes a bag of fast food wrappers strewn the days little reminders of you away 7 countries 16 days Hugs held too long cheek to cheek Words whispered in a song assurances for you away 7 countries 16 days and a CD But I was the last to say good-bye To hold you that day you cried The one who showed you the lightning And how thunder makes you clean By drowning out deficiencies hand in hand on your back porch in the downpour only now you've gone away 7 countries 16 days and a CD burned for you by me I can only hope that it will say what I need it to say comfort you while you're away 7 countries 16 days And a CD burned for you by me last night when you told me you loved her
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