Leng Posted June 14, 2007 Report Posted June 14, 2007 Home Within the strength of the walls Upholds the strong haven from all From the smells of the stove Stirs the warmth of two Over the sounds of the outside Bonds the souls inside Above all calls heard Holds the love lived
Leng Posted June 17, 2007 Author Report Posted June 17, 2007 New and old ... New horizon For shared lives to explore Old process For like minds to think New friends For same spirits to be Old words For kindred souls to share
reverie Posted June 18, 2007 Report Posted June 18, 2007 First poem: Nice ending, but you need a pause of some sort after "within" in the first line to pull it off your conceit. Second poem: nice construction--tight/tense. Consider relooking "Old Process" There is a nuance of like or complementary sounds that link your two word header phrases in line 1, 5, 7. Try to replicate that in line 3 more or else heavily contrast it for dramatic effect. my thoughts, rev...
Wyvern Posted June 25, 2007 Report Posted June 25, 2007 Very nice poems, Kee. :-) In your "Home" poem, the lines "From the smells of the stove/ Stirs the warmth of two" really stood out to me, as they felt fitting in describing a homely setting. I thought the choice of "two" as the number there was particularly interesting and effective, and the lines were both very nicely phrased. I also agree with reverie that the form of "New and old..." was well-done, especially with the repetition of "New" and "Old." I definitely relate to the concept of kindred souls sharing old words, and thought the incorporation of "words" in the poem was a very nice touch. Very cool stuff Kee, I look forward to reading more of your work. :-)
Leng Posted June 25, 2007 Author Report Posted June 25, 2007 Many thanks for the pointers .. I will try to improve. I am so used to writing short poems on any type of paper (including napkins) and stuffing all these papers into shoeboxes (I am a crazed shoe-shopper - thus the many shoeboxes) .. that I don't have time to re-think my poems. I did write for a friend who has great pictures and once I figured out how to attach those poems together with the pictures, I will post them too. Again, my appreciation for your kind words.
Leng Posted June 25, 2007 Author Report Posted June 25, 2007 Living Mindless work Breathless life But then Take time Or else Lose spirit Take heed Make time Failing which Lose life Use time Savour passion No excuses Live life
Mardrax Posted June 25, 2007 Report Posted June 25, 2007 Oh how I like when random encounters turn worthwhile like this In the last one, I like how you switch between imperative and implication all the way through, without really changing tone. One thing I ran into which you might look at yourself -if you ever look back - is that when you stick to very short lines, longer lines mess up implied rythm rather fast, like here, I trip over the two four-syllable lines at the end. Might just be me though Overall very nice work indeed Kee
Leng Posted July 3, 2007 Author Report Posted July 3, 2007 Aging Comforts Tis morning Time to wake up Turning to feel The breath of life Tis day Time to do chores Trying to pass The minutes of life Tis evening Time to cook dinner Taking great care These small acts of life Tis night Time to snuggle in bed Telling each other in whispers Those loving moments of life
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