Flying

[Ran Yoko]

something i came up with off the top of my head. it could be used as a song.

 

I want to fly

in the deep blue sky

I want to spread my wings and soar

I want to fly

I want to soar

 

I feel the wind against my face

and feel the urge to fly

but I don't know if

my wings will hold me up

but I do know this:

I have to try!

 

I'm ready to fly

in the deep blue sky

I'm ready to spread my wings and soar

I'm ready to fly

I'm ready to soar

 

So how does my story end?

Did I believe in my strength and fly?

Or was I afraid and fell to my death?

Or did I decide not to try after all?

You decide if a bird's life will continue or end.

[Wyvern]

Hmmm... after examining this piece, I still can't seem to find a connection between the last line and the rest of the poem. Is the implication of the last line that human forces are causing the wing difficulties, or was that line just thrown in as an afterthought? If the last line is meant to engage some aspect of the poem, then you might consider bringing out that theme more in the stanzas preceding it. If it was placed there as an afterthought, I think that dropping it and ending the poem with "Or did I decide not to try after all?" would strengthen things a bit.

[reverie]

Ah, it's pretty close to improvisation Wyv, so I wouldn't hold his feet too close to fire thematically. Still, I don't disagree. Good improv. Akin to brain storming. A little stanza sorting might help. I'd put the last stanza first and rephrase a little grammatically like so:

 

 

So how does my story end?

Who decides if a bird's life will continue or end?

Did I believe in my strength (need a pause or some sort here) and fly?

Or was I afraid and fell to my death? (try "be afraid and fall...")

Or did I decide not to try after all?

 

 

 

Then maybe take out some of the repeated halves of lines. Still, if you hear a song, you hear song, and songs tend to repeat, so I get it.

 

rev...

Edited June 5, 2007 by reverie