Almost Reports and Other Crazy Sports

[Wyvern]

A large shuriken-shaped frisbee soars through the air of the cramped pirate broadcasting basement. The cameras swerve to the right as the pointy projectile flies off-screen, narrowly missing the same troglyodyte camerman that had fallen from the rafters in an earlier episode of the Report. The troglyodyte lets out a string of foreign curses and shakes a bandaged arm towards the camera, only to have his ranting cut short as the cameras move back towards the central skull-and-crossbones table of the basement. Two shaky flashlights are turned on for lighting effects as Wyvern dashes into the room wearing a "#-1" jersey. The overgrown lizard raises his claws in the air and headbangs as a sports center-style guitar melody plays in the background, ignoring the wrong chords that are hit and the static distortion that follows.

 

"Greetingssssss writing fans!" Wyvern bangs his claws on the table in an excited manner, forming ugly nicks on its surface in the process. He reaches under his chair and pulls out a plush CheerMynx sports mascot doll, which has a tiny scythe in one hand and a pompom in the other. "Almost Report of the week: jussst look outside. The sun, the fresh air, the short skirts, the exploitable concept of exercise... it all adds up to a strong month for Pen sporting events! We here at the Almost Report personally recommend Almost Dragonic Brand Jumping Chain Flail™, Almost Dragonic Brand Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Gorgon™, and of course Almost Dragonic Brand Champion Razor Frisbee™ (suitable for men, women, and samurai sheep of all ages). We'll be reporting any sporting eventsss that pop up over the courssse of the month with some extra special coverage and ad slotsss, so be on the lookout for a physical activity near you!"

 

Wyvern raises a claw to the cameras for a moment, then hops out of his seat and quickly strides off-stage. The cameras once again swerve to the right, revealing Wyvern as he plucks his shuriken-shaped frisbee from the news basement wall. The cameras briefly catch sight of the bandaged troglyodyte, who had been knocked over in Wyvern's wake, and swerve back towards the skull-and-crossbones table as Wyvern seats himself with a smile.

 

"In further newsss, I'd like to officially welcome Whisky Hotshot Malone as the Almost Report's really hot intern gal. I'd also like to thank Ms. Malone for her diligent reporting on wannabe has-been ultra-boring so-called reporters last week, which shed interesting light on the future of the Mighty Pen'sss restroom facilities. Here's hoping that the lavatory's remaining crocodile population is not affected by the new management ... Save the reptiles (for things like coats and purses)!"

 

Wyvern snickers and nods, then strikes a sly grin and begins rubbing his claws together.

 

"Oh, and ssspeaking of sports: those viewers who enjoyed the ssspectator sport of observing Whisky Hotshot Malone's little boat dress last week should be in for another treat thisss week. Don't wanna spoil the surprise, but let's just say that the wardrobe package that I left'er was marked 'two piece cheerleader outfit.'" Wyvern winks to the cameras and sneers. "Here'sss hoping she knows a couple eye-catching poses to go along with them catchy words of hers. Ssstay tuned to this channel and you just might find out!"

 

;-)

[Whisky in Babylon]

Slowly the light upon the news set turns on, showing off none other than Whisky. Dressed in a cheerleaders outfit indeed... just now what one might expect. Its the male version... the pants cut off high and slightly scruffy looking. The sleeves of the top torn off as well as half the torso and lastly her trade mark rainbow leggings ridding up to her thighs.

 

Whisky is sitting cross legged upon the desk quickly looking up from her DS Lite, the pokemon theme playing obnoxiously for only a second before she turns it off and smirks.

 

“Kon Ban Wa!.... that means Good evening in Japanese you know!” She giggles some and folds her hands in her lap. “Welcome to another installment of the Mini Cast.” Whisky jumps from the desk only to stand crossing one foot over the other and leaning back with that crooked smirk of hers.

 

“Well third head of the evil hydra known as School is slowly being sawed off! Everyone knows what that means, time to put down the pencils and pick up the pens! This time of year is the perfect time to sit out in the beautiful sun and write your little heart out. So what are you doing here!? Go on get out there and compose a masterpiece!”

 

There is a small pause, Whisky pulls a little red hard candy from her pocket and after dusting off some lint promptly pops it into her mouth.... Mmmm.. year old candy.

 

.Awesome.

 

“Now speaking of beautiful, seems activity has really started to pick up again. Such as the chat box getting more action than a std free hooker. As well as a slew of new faces... or at least people I’ve never seen before, either way just as the earth is buzzing with life so it the Pen!”

 

She nods proudly and smiles happily.

 

“So Before I say Sayonara, Just to let everyone know today May 10th 07 is National Receptionist Day! Happy National Receptionist Day, and thanks to all the hard working ladies who make our business meetings possible.”

 

The lights starts to fade as Whisky waves to the cameras. “This message is approved by Whisky Hotshots Malone. And remember folks, keep on laughing. Sayonara!!”

 

Everything goes black.