Oh Woes of School

[Degorram]

So, here I am sitting in a computer lab in the depths of my highschool. It is now foruth period, and since I have Latin this year, I have the last lunch of the day. We call it the period of lost dreams. Gosh I'm hungry.

 

Oh well. At least I still have the Mighty Pen to write down my thoughts for the benefit of all you who enjoy reading sad, sad stories. I'm immensely bored with nothing to do so here goes.

 

The Woes of School

an epic poem

 

I woke one morning to find that I,

Had descended into Hell.

My clothes were wrinkled, my toast was burned,

My room had begun to smell.

 

A giant monster of ferocious make,

Appeared at my door so foul.

Yellow in color with great staring eyes,

It swept me up into its bowels.

 

Amazed at my day I sat upon muck,

That was leathery and brownish in stain.

The time passed me by rather slowly until,

It burped me back up once again.

 

I found myself in a different circle,

Of the terror of my frightening dream.

A sign on the place that faced me now,

Said "School" and I began to scream.

 

The demons called "teachers" at once,

Were upon me to drag me within.

They sat me down and began to talk,

About random and various sins.

 

"Homework not done! Projects are late!"

It went on as my nerves became fried.

Drool dripped on my desk as they lectured,

My eyes glazed over, I sighed.

 

The teachers were furious! They hauled me away.

To another torture called "Gym".

The punishment was great and I swooned on my feet,

And awoke from the miserable dream.

 

Oh happiness found; that was only a dream!

Just a vision of horrible wrath!

I lifted my head and let out a scream:

I'd fallen asleep in Math.

Edited May 4, 2007 by Degorram

[Parmenion]

Brilliant stuff man - keept me interested throughout with the story and gave me a grand old chuckle at the end. Good work - hope you had as much fun writing it as I did reading it

[Degorram]

Thank you. Yes, it was rather fun to read. Can you tell I just read Dante's Inferno?

[reverie]

too cool. Reads more like a loose ballad to me though.

 

Could try expanding.

 

1. First evoke a muse/muses for help writing it.

2. Set up a conflict in a general sense and

3. Then set up a scene of why you're hero is so great with the accompanying back-story and very detailed description of his/her accouterments.

4. Supernatural has to play key role as well, but looks like you've got that part pretty well covered.

5. Hero/heroine must be humbled or have fatal flaw at some point.

 

Looking at a mock epic helps too. They are shorter then epics: funny, and fit all the requirements of the form (in theory at least).

 

Alexander Pope's The Rape of the Lock is the best example that I can think.

 

 

Or because I'm feeling especially lazy, here's wikipedia's take on the Writing an Epic Poem(s). Note: Mock epics are aware of all these conventions, but cover them in parody. Like the in Pope's Case, the grand field of battle is a card table.

 

Epics have 6 main characteristics:

 

1. the hero is of imposing stature, of national or international importance, and of great historical or legendary significance

2. the setting is vast, covering many nations, the worlds or the universe

3. the action consists of deeds of great valor or requiring superhuman courage

4. supernatural forces--gods, angels, demons--interest themselves in the action

5. a style of sustained elevation is used [usually metered verse of some sort. Most English poets us either Heroic or Blank verse. But in Dante's case he uses the Italian Hendecasyllable meter with Terza rima verses]

6. the poet retains a measure of objectivity

 

Conventions of Epics:

 

1. Opens by stating the theme or subject matter of the epic

2. Writer invokes a Muse, one of the nine daughters of Zeus. [or Equivalent]The poet prays to the Muses to provide him with divine inspiration to tell the story of a great hero.

3. Narrative opens in medias res, or in the middle of things, usually with the hero at his lowest point. Usually flashbacks show earlier portions of the story.

4. Catalogues and genealogies are given. These long lists of objects, places, and people place the finite action of the epic within a broader, universal context. Oftentimes, the poet is also paying homage to the ancestors of audience members.

5. Main characters give extended formal speeches.

6. Use of the epic simile

7. Heavy use of repetition or stock phrases.

Edited May 9, 2007 by reverie

[Wyvern]

Wyvern reads over Degorram's poem, guffaws at the twist ending, and applauds the piece in the knowledge that it was probably concieved during the rest of the Math lecture in question. Wyvern steps up to Degorram and pats her on the shoulder, flashing one of his signature toothy grins and moving his other claw towards a sack of recent Almost Dragonic products.

 

"I ssssympathize with the Math struggle, Degorram... they should set the curricular requirements to 'geld accounting' and leave it at that." Wyvern pulls out a thin cardboard mask with a rubberband attached to the back and passes it in Degorram's direction. Degorram raises a brow at the crayon-colored red lizard face on the front, noting the unrealistically wide eyes. "Thisss Almost Dragonic Brand Wyvern Decoy Mask™ will leave you looking inconspicous and awake for the duration of a class period, and can be yours for a mere 15 geld. Of course, if you actually want it to work, you'll have to deck out the rest of your features to ressemble a wyvern as well... lucky for you, it just so happens that I'm ssselling a fake wings and fake tail combo for a mere 280 geld! All purchases come with a free Almost Dragonic Brand Cheap Homework Excuses Encyclopedia™, which includes such Pen favorites as 'lumpenproletariat turned it to propaganda' and 'Orlan wrote his number on it, so I framed it.' Act now, before the teacher notices role call discrepancies!"

 

;-)

[Ran Yoko]

ROTFL

laughing so hard she can barely type "Great job! Very humorous!"

(a little overexaggeration, but why not?)

[Elvina]

Rofl. I liked it! That was well written and amusing, Degorram.