MinimondoT Posted May 3, 2007 Report Posted May 3, 2007 writing my own wedding vow. Lots comments welcome and wanted! <Renaissance themed wedding> A chance meeting, an easy smile The seeds of friendship were planted A simple wave, a sweet hello Sunlight and water added Days turned to weeks and weeks to months Friendship grew to love A love so true A love so deep A love to last forever Mine heart I’d offer but alas cannot For you stole it many a year ago But in its stead I offer you this For you to forever hold Mine soul for it is connected to yours As we are but two halves of one Mine smile, mine laughter, the warmth of mine hand Comfort and joy through good times and bad My promise to be yours as long as I may For no other man to you can compare My everything, my all, for no less can I give When you’ve given me all I’ve said here I love you With this ring I seal all I’ve said With this ring I am yours
Parmenion Posted May 4, 2007 Report Posted May 4, 2007 I don't believe in marriage and I don't believe in weddings so in that regard I cannot offer much assisstance. I did feel that it was a very deep and heart felt poem, perhaps not for a public audience (as in a wedding place - I don't mean the mighty pen) but as words spoken privately to the one you loved perhaps when alone later that evening in your own private ceremony - it may mean so much more to them. Declarations to the world are all well and good, but my opinion would be that words spoken when only the sounds of 2 breadths and 2 heartbeats are present, together with a steady and true gaze have a much deeper impact.
Wyvern Posted May 9, 2007 Report Posted May 9, 2007 Congratulations on your wedding-to-be, MinimondoT! :-) I know that you two have been fiancées for a while now, but I'm guessing that the presence of this poem here means that a formal wedding is imminent? I think that this is a very nice poem that will go over well with your wedding guests in particular, as I can definitely feel your happiness in the tone of your words. My only suggestion might be to remove any of the poetic language that you might not use in regular conversation, such as "Mine" and "alas"... I realize the wedding is meant to be Rennaisance-based and definitely appreciate the way that you've incorporated an older tongue to fit this mold, but at the same time I feel like this poem is not something to be acted, as it's based on genuine vows of love and real occurences. The more it sounds like you, the better... the formal poetic language used in it runs the risk of making it sound slightly artificial, in my opinion. Anyway, I hope that you and your fiancée have a fabulous wedding when it does occur! :-) You'll be in our thoughts (well... maybe not Parmenion's thoughts, but most of our thoughts)! With that, Wyvern sighs wistfully and decides that he needs to develope an Almost Dragonic Brand Bouquet Vine-Magnet specifically for this type of event. The overgrown lizard treads out of the Banquet Hall with a blueprint in one claw and a thorny wreath in the other...
MinimondoT Posted May 16, 2007 Author Report Posted May 16, 2007 Congratulations on your wedding-to-be, MinimondoT! :-) I know that you two have been fiancées for a while now, but I'm guessing that the presence of this poem here means that a formal wedding is imminent? I think that this is a very nice poem that will go over well with your wedding guests in particular, as I can definitely feel your happiness in the tone of your words. My only suggestion might be to remove any of the poetic language that you might not use in regular conversation, such as "Mine" and "alas"... I realize the wedding is meant to be Rennaisance-based and definitely appreciate the way that you've incorporated an older tongue to fit this mold, but at the same time I feel like this poem is not something to be acted, as it's based on genuine vows of love and real occurences. The more it sounds like you, the better... the formal poetic language used in it runs the risk of making it sound slightly artificial, in my opinion. Anyway, I hope that you and your fiancée have a fabulous wedding when it does occur! :-) You'll be in our thoughts (well... maybe not Parmenion's thoughts, but most of our thoughts)! With that, Wyvern sighs wistfully and decides that he needs to develope an Almost Dragonic Brand Bouquet Vine-Magnet specifically for this type of event. The overgrown lizard treads out of the Banquet Hall with a blueprint in one claw and a thorny wreath in the other... Thanks Wyvern. I think I might take the "mine"s out. The alas however =0) actually is rather me so =0) I will probably leave that in. Do you have any hints on sounding more Renaissance though? if not for the vow then for the reception.
Merelas Posted May 16, 2007 Report Posted May 16, 2007 I think that at your wedding you should be able to choose whatever you like, and if the language is what you want, then by all means you should have it. Problem spots: For you to forever hold I would say "For you to hold forever," or "Forever for you to hold." Just to make it more logically structured. I think that's the only spot I spotted as a problem, actually. May your day be perfect .
reverie Posted May 16, 2007 Report Posted May 16, 2007 (edited) Archaic World list and equivalents ---- From: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Verb_conjugation Verbs in written French exhibit a richer agreement morphology than English verbs: je suis (I am), tu es ("you are", singular informal), elle est (she is), nous sommes (we are), vous êtes ("you are", plural), ils sont (they are). Historically, English used to have a similar verbal paradigm. Some historic verb forms are used by Shakespeare as slightly archaic or more formal variants (I do, thou dost, she doth, typically used by nobility) of the modern forms. ---- From: http://www.bardweb.net/grammar/01syntax.html The most common simple sentence in modern English follows a familiar pattern: Subject (S), Verb (V), Object (O). To illustrate this, we'll devise a subject (John), a verb (caught), and an object (the ball). Thus, we have an easily understood sentence, "John caught the ball." This is as perfectly an understood sentence in modern English as it was in Shakespeare's day. However, Shakespeare was much more at liberty to switch these three basic components—and did, quite frequently. Shakespeare used a great deal of SOV inversion, which renders the sentence as "John the ball caught." This order is commonly found in Germanic languages (more so in subordinate clauses), from which English derives much of its syntactical foundation... ...Frankly, Elizabethans allowed for a lot more leeway in word order, and Shakespeare not only realized that, he took advantage of it. By utilizing inverted word orders, Shakespeare could effectively place the metrical stress wherever he needed it most—and English is heavily dependent on vocal inflection, which is not so easily translated into writing, to suggest emphasis and meaning. In his usage of order inversion, however, Shakespeare could compensate for this literary shortcoming. Shakespeare also throws in many examples of OSV construction ("The ball John caught."). Shakespeare seems to use this colloquially in many places as a transitory device, bridging two sentences, to provide continuity. Shakespeare (and many other writers) may also have used this as a device to shift end emphasis to the verb of a clause. Also, another prevalent usage of inversion was the VS order shift ("caught John" instead of "John caught"), which seems primarily a stylistic choice that further belies the Germanic root of modern English. Edited May 16, 2007 by reverie
MinimondoT Posted August 20, 2007 Author Report Posted August 20, 2007 For anyone who is interested, here is the final cut of what I used =0) A chance meeting, an easy smile, The seeds of friendship planted. A simple wave, a sweet hello, with sunlight and water added. Days turn to weeks, weeks to months, Our friendship grew to love - A love so true A love so deep A love to last forever. My heart I'd give thee, but alas! cannot For you stole it many a year ago. But in its stead I offer this - I'm yours to forever cherish and hold. My soul is thine; it is connected to yours, we are but two halves of one. My smile, my laughter, the warmth of my hands Comfort and joy through good times and bad. My promise to be yours as long as I may. A friend you can trust who will never betray. My everything, I gift, my all I give to thee since you've given me all. I love you... With this ring I seal all I've said With this ring I'm yours.
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