Ran Yoko Posted April 10, 2007 Report Posted April 10, 2007 "FATE OR FREEDOM" i wanted to write something about fate, and this is all i can think of. sorry if it's not very consistent. "two people close together held by chains of fate wings of freedom bound but one person reaches out and breaks the binding chains. he spreads his wings, feeling the wind of change, and takes flight, making the decision to walk his own path. the other person watches, also wishing to break free, but he is too afraid to try. the moral of my tale? breaking the chains of fate and walking our own path, spreading our wings in the winds of change that are blowing. . . is so much easier than it seems."
Wyvern Posted April 11, 2007 Report Posted April 11, 2007 Interesting poem, Sora Hikari... particularly in terms of the moral of the story and the manner in which its presented. Out of curiousity, did you intend to present the prospect of walking one's own path as something appealing and desirable? I ask because I personally felt that the achievment of breaking the chains of fate and flying free was cruel and selfish in the context of the poem... a very interesting take, but I'm uncertain if that's what you intended. The two people are bonded closely together, and when the one person breaks free, he doesn't offer the other person a hand or even a goodbye, leaving him afraid and alone for personal gain. If the appeal of breaking the chains of fate is what you were aiming for, I might suggest offering a bit more sympathy between the characters, or some sort of emotion from the person departing. I like the cold and heartless feeling I get from it, though, as it feels like an original approach to a familiar concept. Anyway, thanks for sharing this poem here, Sora Hikari.
Ran Yoko Posted April 13, 2007 Author Report Posted April 13, 2007 i didn't even think about the other guy's feelings, to be honest. tell ya what, i'll work on it and get back to it at a later date, 'kay?
Wyvern Posted April 14, 2007 Report Posted April 14, 2007 You're not required to rewrite or repost anything, so feel free to take your time and only revisit the poem if you feel like it. :-) My post was meant as more of an interpretation than a critique... who knows, giving the reader some insight into the emotions of the man who abandones his companion might make this a different poem altogether. You should go with whatever feels right to you. :-) If you do end up revising it, I'd personally be more interested in some sense of what the person free of the chains feels when he departs as opposed to the person left behind... the emotions of the person he leaves behind are pretty self-evident to me, and not as important to the poem as a whole in my opinion. Thanks again for sharing this, by the way. :-) It presents an interesting image.
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