The Storm of Longing Shadows

[Kikuyu_Black_Paws]

I feel a tugging in the wind,

It rustles through my wings,

I lift my head and watch the sky,

For what the clouds may bring.

 

The storm night flickers in the air,

I taste the lightning's breath,

And thunder grumbles sharp report,

Their lingering thoughts of death.

 

Tree branches sway and dance the storm,

To sing of times gone by,

They know where legends first began,

They know where kingdoms lie.

 

Tears sting my eyes, I cannot go,

Where lightning finds its light,

Where thunder sleeps among the deep,

In blankets of dark night.

 

The wind prattles near my head,

A comfort-less embrace,

And then it swirls far on its way,

Past my tear-streaked face.

 

I turn and walk into the wood,

Of pen-ink and unheard,

There perhaps I will find rest,

Among the trees of words.

Edited June 5, 2007 by Kikuyu Black Paws

[Wyvern]

Wyvern sniffs and munches on a curly onion cheese doodle as he slowly reads over Kikuyu Black Paws's poem. The overgrown lizard mutters the lines under his breath with a degree of envy that only increases per stanza; "Aw man, I wish I could fly" turns to "Aw man, I've never tasssted lightning before," which in turn fades to "Aw man, I wish I knew a lullaby to quiet the dang thunder." The reptilian Elder raises a brow upon finishing the final stanza, and repeats the last two lines of the poem under his breath before snapping a claw in the air.

 

"Brilliant! A profitable holiday resort if I've ever seen one." Wyvern pulls out a notepad and begins scribbling notes. "I can see the spin-off now: Almost Dragonic Brand Full Bloom Profanity Bonsai™ - the perfect word-tree essscape, and an ideal honeymoon spot for newly weds! I'm sure we could prolly pluck free words for it from the "Word Association" area if we spun people in the right direction... "@#$&" is not all that dissimilar a word from "Yay!" after all. That jussst leaves the question of how to serve lightning as a three-course meal... I think I might have sssome kites and keys handy, for a start. Is there a weather mage in the houssse?!"

 

;-)

[Parmenion]

Fantastic poem! Very much enjoyed this as I am a huge fan of writing with that kind of style and felt you did it very well.

 

Just this minor hiccup I came across in the meter of the poem but it may be that I am a bit tired and a bit stoned right now.

 

The wind whispers and strokes my cheek,

 

sounds awkward.

 

The wind it whispers; strokes my cheek,

 

tiny change - might work well? Perhaps some of the meter masters could lend their view.

 

Thoroughly enjoyed the read. Imagery was immersing and the quick paced tone helped set the fury of the tempest firmly in the reader's mind catching them up in the feel of it. Well done

 

[Disco-neck Ted]

That was mighty fine! The type of poem that sweeps you along with it and takes you exciting places.

 

As Parmenion noted, 'whispers' does trip one up and stop the eye from wandering the page.

 

I also found the third stanza to be very 'they' heavy. The repetition of 'They know...' is good and strong, but my feeling is that if you could remove the usage in lines one and two, perhaps by substituting 'and', then the last two lines of the stanza would have even more impact.

 

But really, the whole thing is so cool that is seems like ingratitude to nitpick. Thanks for the nice read... nice ride? Either way, I'm still smacking my lips after that poetic goodness.

[Kikuyu_Black_Paws]

Thank you very much for your helpful suggestions. I will definetly look into them! Sorry I took so long to reply, I have lost my mind recently ever since May during recital and exams. *shudder* now they are over, and great wailings and gnashings of teeth shall be replaced with idle rejoicing and much writing again! yay!