LilacFlame Posted March 28, 2007 Report Posted March 28, 2007 Moon Maiden It calls to me, that moon, golden light pours down from it pooling on the rich green carpet of grass beneath my naked toes, it makes me wonder at the mystery of her pull, on the ocean, the month, the earth, the woman, all of the mystery is inside of me, yet only by the light of the Moon will it spill from inside me, that secret Moon Maiden she has made of me. I ponder and wonder and ask, if I let her loose; will she scare away the men?
reverie Posted March 28, 2007 Report Posted March 28, 2007 (edited) ya know you can rhyme in free verse, be it: end, internal, half, near, slant, feminine, masculine, open, closed, perfect, or imperfect. Just thought I'd point that out. The difference being that you define or subvert the pattern of your own making vs. following the guild lines of a traditional form. thinks this is you're only weak line: it makes me wonder at the mystery of her pull Line has slight emphasis confusion considering the call of the moon vs. the moon itself. otherwise pretty good. Good surprise at the end. Might hold up as is, but you could skew the tone towards being tongue and cheek or somber or whatever. cool. rev... Edited March 28, 2007 by reverie
Justin Silverblade Posted March 28, 2007 Report Posted March 28, 2007 Great piece, LilacFlame. I very much enjoyed it. The first four lines came with rich imagry (what can I say, I'm a sucker for a word-painted picture) that was cute but not shallow - an emotive moment. And the ending makes me smile, to be sure. Even still, as I write this, as a matter of fact. Thanks, - Justin
Merelas Posted March 28, 2007 Report Posted March 28, 2007 I really enjoyed this, actually. Your images, colors, words play together very nicely... I think that the "wondering at her pull" line is fine, personally, and I really enjoyed the freeverse style. Thanks for sharing!
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