Guest Phoenix Posted March 24, 2007 Report Posted March 24, 2007 swimming in a pool of sunlight body uncurls to the heat plant-like face turns its sunflower self skin drinks in the softness silence too long this winter lasted the sun was sorely missed gifted stronger i roll in this sensation, lizard-like, and sunkissed aargh this is probably the most positive thing i've written in the last few months, and i dont want to let it go the last two stanzas are giving the the most trouble - i was to keep the rhythm within the lines through the poem, but i cant find words that fit *reads again* its probably the last two lines that bug me the most - having to split the line "i roll in this/sensation" doesnt quite work for me - i like the line together, but i also like the line without 'sensation' but it throws off the next one gah i come back to it but any thoughts would be appreciated
Justin Silverblade Posted March 25, 2007 Report Posted March 25, 2007 I see what you're getting at with enjoying the line without "sensation" but then being concerned about the verse. What about moving "sunkissed" and entering in a different, final, word? Something like this: stronger i roll in this lizard-like, and sunkissed <enter in last word here> Not sure exactly if that would help, because it does seem pretty powerful as a last word to round off the feel of "Bliss" but if you were really interested in firming up that verse, it's a suggestion, and would provide another nice oppertunity to add in another, final thought. Though, as it is, "sunkissed" is a magnificent closing word/feeling. I would understand a desire you would have to keep it as a closing thought. That said and suggestion overwith, I really liked the poem. body uncurls to the heat plant-like and the sun was sorely missed Those were probably my favourite lines, if I'm allowed to pick and choose () as they both come across particularly powerfully. The first comes with potent imagry, the combination of uncurl and the single guiding word "plant-like" evokes that pleasant first-morning-stretching feel. The latter, is simply a feeling I can very much relate to. The nice thing about a short poem, or short verses, is that every word becomes that much more important. With so little to convey your expression, each part of it is given special weight. The sun being sorely missed seemed like a metaphor that really struck home/felt relevant for me. Oh. And "sunkissed." Pure. Passionate. Potent. No matter how or if you re-arrange it, it's just... beautiful. Thanks for the story, - Justin
Guest Phoenix Posted April 2, 2007 Report Posted April 2, 2007 mmmm... i like ending on sunkissed too much.. for a while i thought of that as the title of the poem, but i have a bad habit of just picking whichever word from the poem feels strongest for me as the title, which can sometimes ruin the effect i after playing for a while i find i really like the sussuration made by leaving 'sensation' where it is. the only change i ended up making was to the punctuation. i think it flows more like i wanted, but i'm not sure as its the only fullstop in the whole piece - the only stanza with any punctuation, actually. *wanders off to ponder some more* swimming in a pool of sunlight body uncurls to the heat plant-like face turns its sunflower self skin drinks in the softness silence too long this winter lasted the sun was sorely missed gifted stronger i roll in this sensation. lizard-like, and sunkissed
Falcon2001 Posted April 2, 2007 Report Posted April 2, 2007 swimming in a pool of sunlight body uncurls to the heat plant-like face turns its sunflower self skin drinks in the softness silence too long this winter lasted the sun was sorely missed gifted stronger i roll in this sensation. lizard-like, and sunkissed I felt that the middle two stanzas were much more of a languid flow, which seemed to fit the mood of the poem very well; though I'm not sold on the harshness of the single-line endings to each one. It breaks up the healthy and lazy flow. The first and fourth felt much less liquid to me However, I am hardly a poet; It stands well enough on it's own.
GeldrinHor Posted April 3, 2007 Report Posted April 3, 2007 swimming in a pool of sunlight body uncurls to the heat plant-like face turns its sunflower self skin drinks in the softness silence too long this winter lasted the sun was sorely missed gifted stronger i roll in this sensation, lizard-like, and sunkissed Perhaps a slight alteration of words would give a more definitive ending. stronger i roll in this sunkissed and lizard-like sensation I think overall, this is a wonderful, if somewhat short tale, in poetic setting. Clearly your words are meant to evoke a feeling of accomplishment within the reader, but it also seems you were confused, yourself, at the stuttered end....roll it around a few times in your head with the altered ending....see what you think.
Appy Posted April 3, 2007 Report Posted April 3, 2007 Lovely scene this. I like the imagery you use; the sunflower self, the pool of sunlight and that very favorite, sunkissed. Sun is a very good thing indeed. But.. personally I loved the last stanza as it was, with that comma instead of a period. It leaves many ways open on how to read it and gave it a lazy rhythm that I have a hard time finding anywhere else. Possibly because I'm missing punctuation... (never thought I'd say that, one who hardly uses any herself), but also because of how you .. how to say it.. I'm missing certain words, as if you're trying REALLY hard to keep it short and simple, and thus forget that you CAN use prepositions (in, around, under, on) and conjunctions (and, or, but, yet) just as two examples, and still have the shortness and stylistic approach you're going for. It might help with the flow here and there.. Otherwise, lovely idea and I am eager to see the result. Even if you don't change the rest of the poem, I'm curious as to what you'll do with the last stanza.
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