Loki Wyrd Posted March 21, 2007 Report Posted March 21, 2007 (edited) Like tectonic plates, stress builds, accumulates until drastic shifts. upheaval. waves crash Shutters drawn around eyes. Punched in. Stares through a derailed train--full of spectators--bobbing then gone Shards of glass / glistening caught in the web of flies' wings. Settling upon the broken bodies Child cradled in the cold arms of his mother; hoping to infuse her with warmth, brushing away the flies from her face--still almost seeming to blink when he looks away, closing his own to hear murky shrieks. Distant Yet knowing he must set out to find them I just wrote this. Knowing my personality, I will do many revisions. Edited March 22, 2007 by Loki Wyrd
Merelas Posted March 22, 2007 Report Posted March 22, 2007 This is very sad. I think you've got a lot going on in this poem; some very good, some not so good. First what I think can improve, so that I can end on a good note . Your beginning is "stress builds"... or at least that is the real beginning of the poem for me since it is the first really active part. I read that and I thought, "aha, a poem about stress. An interesting analogy with tectonic plates." And it is an interesting analogy, if this poem were about stress. I'm not sure what you want it to be about right now, but it is not about stress. It's about disasters and the way people respond to them, how they grieve, and how they happen. Which is fine. If that's what you want it to be about, I would revise the first line: "With tectonic plates, stress builds, accumulates", so that the part about tectonic plates isn't forming a simile that builds expectations. Then again, you do have the interesting "broken expectations" game working in your favor as it stands now. But on the good side, you have amazing imagery. Your tone is completely consistent thoughout the poem (something I have come to appreciate), and it completely meshes with the theme you've developed. The broken sentence fragments and such are incredibly powerful... "shattered glass" is really good, in my opinion, perhaps because it sounds good, but perhaps because it sounds really good in context. Overall, good work.
Loki Wyrd Posted March 23, 2007 Author Report Posted March 23, 2007 (edited) Thank you for taking the time to reply & sharing with me your thought process in reading this. I use "Like tectonic plates" to frame this poem and the metaphors within. While there's nothing wrong with reading this in the literal sense, the word "like" is meant to serve a purpose, as well as to add a sense of chaos to the initial paragraph. You might also note other aspects that seem out of place...spectators, shutters drawn around eyes. I don't intend to share the precise thoughts that triggered the poem, most important is the emotion conveyed. Edited March 23, 2007 by Loki Wyrd
reverie Posted March 24, 2007 Report Posted March 24, 2007 (edited) Suggestion: Like tectonic plates, stress builds, accumulates until a drastic shift: Upheaval. Waves crash, shutters drawn around eyes. Punched in. Stared through a derailed train--full of spectators, bobbing then gone. Shards of glass-- glistening caught in the web of flies' wings--settling upon the broken bodies, child cradled in the cold arms of his mother (Maybe, not sure) , hoping to infuse her with warmth, brushing away the flies from her face -- still almost seeming to blink when he looks away, closing his own to hear murky shrieks--distant, yet knowing he must set out to find them ** haven't quite squared the conclusion. Reminds me of that Apocalypto movie though. Memory vs reality vs need Edited March 24, 2007 by reverie
Loki Wyrd Posted March 26, 2007 Author Report Posted March 26, 2007 (edited) Like tectonic plates stress builds -- accumulates drastic shifts Upheaval waves crash waves crash Shutters drawn over eyes. Punched in. Stares through a derailed train (of spectators) bobbing then gone Shards of glass caught in the web of flies' wings Settling upon the broken bodies Child cradled in the cold arms of his mother; hoping to infuse her with warmth, brushing away the flies from her face -- still almost seeming to blink when he looks away. Closing his own eyes, submerged in a disturbing transparency of murky shrieks & shudders: starts of the mind Refracted out of wavelength. Thanks for your input, Reverie. I had enough time to distance myself so that I could see it again -- feedback always helps expedite this process. Edited March 26, 2007 by Loki Wyrd
reverie Posted March 27, 2007 Report Posted March 27, 2007 no problem. Oh plust, I'm just starting to grasp just how subjective punctuation really is in poetry, so my suggestions may not jive with your intentions. Oh the rules are still the rules, and like anything you can break them. But even within the rules, there are so many possibilities out there. don't believe me? Here something fun. find a work originally published in a language other than english with multiple translations to english (or some other language / vice versa). Compare any give page or paragraph / stanza of the translations. Putting aside work /idiom choice the differences that come up will show you just how nuanced punctuation can be. sorry am babbeling. rev...
Loki Wyrd Posted March 30, 2007 Author Report Posted March 30, 2007 Like tectonic plates stress builds -- accumulates drastic shifts Upheaval waves crash waves crash Shutters drawn over eyes. Punched in. Stares through shards of glass caught in the web of flies' wings Settling upon the broken bodies Child cradled in the cold arms of his mother; hoping to infuse her with warmth, brushing away the flies from her face -- still almost seeming to blink when he looks away. Closing his own eyes, submerged in a disturbing transparency of murky shrieks & shudders: starts of the mind Refracted out of wavelength.
Recommended Posts