LilacFlame Posted March 15, 2007 Report Posted March 15, 2007 (edited) An Uncommon Dream ᅟ Arial gazed disconsolantly out her window. Even the sun shining on the green fields below did not aleviate her excessive gloom. What in the world would the 10 yr old daughter of Lord Peliant have to be depressed about you might ask. ᅟ After all her Father was the richest, most venerable Lord in the land, besides being the Queen's main advisor. Nothing of monetary value had ever been denied her; she had 2 whole closets filled with beautiful clothes, she dined upon the choicest viands trice daily, and her chamber alone was larger than most people's homes. ᅟ She had been tutored in languages, accounts, a bit of history and geography, and embroidery of course. She could ride, and she could dance a stately pavane. As the only child of the foremost Lord in Abadonii, she could look forward someday to her choice of bridegroom, not withstanding her own fair appearance. ᅟ She had a cherubic face with the requisite dimples, a retrousse nose, and deep violet eyes capped off by dark raven curls. She was willowy and tall for her age, yet stronger than she appeared, and she was never, ever ill. ᅟ The cause of her dissatisfaction was that she despised most of the doings of the highborn, she didn't ever want to get married and become someone's Lady; she simply wanted to be a Mage. Yet Magic was not only thoroughly deplored in Abadonii, it had been outlawed outright at the time of her birth. It seems that when she was born her Mother had contracted milk-fever, a mage had been called to heal her too late for it to matter. Her Mother died, and her Father simply went to the Queen in a fit of rage and talked her into outlawing them. ᅟ The closest mage to be found was in the next country over: Cleotorii, and was at least 60 leagues from the castle. As it was too far away to make in one day, she must make it impossible for them to track her, yet how was she to manage that? She had too little mageskill as yet to erase her tracks or throw the hounds off of her scent. ᅟ There were a few mage tricks she could do, but how were they useful in helping her to escape? She could create a ball of light and throw it around a bit. It would help her if she was outside in the dark, but not much else. It could also act as a sort of beacon to bring her Father's men to her very spot. She could make things break without touching them when she was very angry, but she didn't think she would be very angry while escaping, more probably she would be a bit afraid. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As I said this is a short story work in progress. I started it about 3 am last night. What do you think? are the paragraphs too short? does it seemm an interesting premise? do you think you could come to care about her charachter?Syntax, awkward sentences, Etc. Take your time if you need to in replying....grin. and thanks BTW I have tried every way under creation but cannot make it INDENT, sorry. Sincerely, LilacFlame Edited March 16, 2007 by LilacFlame
Wyvern Posted March 16, 2007 Report Posted March 16, 2007 This is a nice intro to your story, LilacFlame. :-) I didn't find the paragraphs too short, and thought that they gave the read a very nice pace. The premise certainly has a lot of potential, though it's hard for me to get a sense of whether or not I'd be able to sympathize with the character without seeing her in action and getting a sense of her personality. I didn't read through the paragraphs with a fine comb, but there weren't any grammatical monstrosities that jumped out at me on a first read. While I'm uncertain of how large a role this introduction plays in the story as a whole, I think that it relies a lot on telling at the moment, which can run the risk of making the reader feel uninvolved in the potentially exciting elements of the story. In terms of potential improvements, you might consider drawing the reader closer to Arial's life by showing details through scene rather than telling them directly. For example, instead of explaining Arial's longing to be a Mage to the reader, you could show it to the reader through a scene where we see Arial's longing to be a Mage and discontent with her life of nobility. Like I said, I'm not sure if this introduction was meant as more of a backstory preluding the actual tale, but showing the details through scene is definitely a possibility you should keep in mind for the story to come, if nothing else. :-) I hope this helps, thanks for sharing this piece here.
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