LilacFlame Posted March 14, 2007 Report Posted March 14, 2007 (edited) The Mirror I gaze into my mirror and wonder at the sight, mysteriously lovely is she, this night. Lo my eyes are dark with fear and fright, a rendezvous with loves first flight. "Yet I love him" she asserts aloud, almost jumping at her voices sound. I will lie with him thus love be found, endearing words shall then abound. He'll keep me and then he'll take me to wife, No fears will keep me from this new life. A sweet bride I be that he brings to his fife, Love that is true shall give him no strife. Yet I look like a child, I am 15 today, and I am truly afraid he'll desire to stay. Shall I welcome him or swoon and sway, 'tis too much to decide this birthingday. A child yesterday, a woman now grown? Mirror don't lie...is that really me shown? I cannot believe how I fill out this gown, and I woudst not appear to him as a clown. Red gown with your tight lacing, now I feel my heart a racing, Is it the marriage I am facing, or the quickness of my pacing? I hear a horse stopped mid-gallop, my hero at last has come to sup. I brace myself and breathe prayers up, then hastily re-fill my cup. I drink the wine and feel it's power, Mirror mine this is the hour. Reveal no secrets that are sour, show me as a fragile flower. ------------------------------------------------------------ I am not sure if I should do this one as 2 line stanzas or 4. Please tell me what you think...and tell me if it is too trite or not too. I absolutely cannot judge my own work effectively....I usually think it is rubbish.. Edited March 15, 2007 by LilacFlame
LilacFlame Posted March 15, 2007 Author Report Posted March 15, 2007 (edited) Um, 11 viewed it but no comments...is it THAT bad? If it is please don't tell me, just lie... Edited March 15, 2007 by LilacFlame
Alaeha Posted March 15, 2007 Report Posted March 15, 2007 Waitwaitwait... so what manner of comment is it that you're looking for? I'm gathering that you do want to know if it's too trite, but don't want to hear that someone didn't like it. Myself, I'm always heartened when I see someone writing in verse, but I'd be interested in a seeing a more varied structure. Say, a more traditional Quatrain (ABAB or ABBA) rather than just a pair of couplets lumped together and given the same rhyme. Don't get too discouraged if it takes a bit for people to respond. Most of us don't have that much time to catch up on what's going on around here, and don't have time to reply right away (or even at all) to everything we read.
LilacFlame Posted March 15, 2007 Author Report Posted March 15, 2007 Waitwaitwait... so what manner of comment is it that you're looking for? I'm gathering that you do want to know if it's too trite, but don't want to hear that someone didn't like it. Myself, I'm always heartened when I see someone writing in verse, but I'd be interested in a seeing a more varied structure. Say, a more traditional Quatrain (ABAB or ABBA) rather than just a pair of couplets lumped together and given the same rhyme. Don't get too discouraged if it takes a bit for people to respond. Most of us don't have that much time to catch up on what's going on around here, and don't have time to reply right away (or even at all) to everything we read. Actually I don't even mind hearing that someone didn't like it, as long as they tell me why. Just don't want to hear it sucks... I understand that I need to be patient, I have been out of work for over a yr and a 1/2 but I understand that some people have a RL! anyway, I have a little trouble with the traditional quatrains (took a poetry class and found out it was really difficult for me to do that), but I can try at least. I do find that I don't know how to write a poem without rhyming though, everyone I do that doesn't rhyme I just delete because I don't like it, but I suppose I can try it that way too. Thanks for replying to me. Sincerely, LilacFlame
Tanuchan Posted March 15, 2007 Report Posted March 15, 2007 First of all, welcome to The Pen, LilacFlame For the lack of comments so far, Alaeha put it very well: sometimes we take time to answer... or some of us read, but for one reason or another just don't know how/what to answer even when we like a poem. So don't feel ignored or discouraged! I admire your work with rhymes, since I am quite the opposite to you - I am unable to work in rhyme, and the amount of work/energy that I need to force myself to do it usually ends up in just killing my Muse completely... Don't trust too much my evaluation on rhymed work - however, I tend to agree with Alaeha that a variation in the rhyme structure within each stanza might add some freshness to it. What I mean is just that the excessive repetion might lead to dullness, and thus divert the attention from the poem per se to just the amount of repeated sounds. I like the way you told the story, focusing on the feelings of the girl. A small thing that I noticed, while I was reading your poem, is that last verse seems a syllable or so short ... I stumbled in the rhythm. However, I'm a free-verse poet so it might just be the way I read your poem, nothing else. Other people can give you more qualified feedback *if* that is what you're looking for:). (Also, I couldn't help but notice some minor typos/mistakes (e.g. loves/love's or it's/its)... if you wish, I can post or PM them to you if the feedback you ask includes this kind of comments.) Again, nice to see one more poet around. Hope you come to feel at home around us!
GeldrinHor Posted March 15, 2007 Report Posted March 15, 2007 The Mirror I gaze into my mirror and wonder at the sight, mysteriously lovely is she, this night. Lo my eyes are dark with fear and fright, a rendezvous with loves first flight. "Yet I love him" she asserts aloud, almost jumping at her voices sound. - (here should probably read voices' sound) I will lie with him thus love be found, - (perhaps 'I will lie with him and thus love be found) endearing words shall then abound. He'll keep me and then he'll take me to wife, - (perhaps move then to earlier in this sentence)He'll then keep No fears will keep me from this new life. -(repetitive use of keep here....perhaps stay) A sweet bride I be that he brings to his fife, Love that is true shall give him no strife. Yet I look like a child, I am 15 today, -(hmmm ...tempo...Tho I appear a child, I am 15 today)?? Bolder statement this way and I am truly afraid he'll desire to stay. Shall I welcome him or swoon and sway, 'tis too much to decide this birthingday. A child yesterday, a woman now grown? Mirror don't lie...is that really me shown? I cannot believe how I fill out this gown, and I woudst not appear to him as a clown. -(ooo, here you seem to be "talking" to yourself in the mirror, be more comtemplative.) (Following, the pace seems to quicken rapidly...interesting choice) Red gown with your tight lacing, now I feel my heart a racing, Is it the marriage I am facing, or the quickness of my pacing? I hear a horse stopped mid-gallop, my hero at last has come to sup. I brace myself and breathe prayers up, then hastily re-fill my cup. I drink the wine and feel it's power, Mirror mine this is the hour. Reveal no secrets that are sour, show me as a fragile flower. ------------------------------------------------------------ I am not sure if I should do this one as 2 line stanzas or 4. Please tell me what you think...and tell me if it is too trite or not too. I absolutely cannot judge my own work effectively....I usually think it is rubbish.. Overall, a VERY lovely poem with a few very minor stumbles. The only real trouble I see (aside from cosmetically...grammar/punctuation missteps) is the speed of decline at the end of the poem/story. Great stuff, m'lady
LilacFlame Posted March 15, 2007 Author Report Posted March 15, 2007 (edited) Here it is a little differently, taking all helpers insights into account, I think... The Mirror I gaze into my mirror and wonder at the sight, mysteriously lovely is she, this night. Lo my eyes are dark with fear and fright, a rendezvous with loves first flight. "Yet I love him" she asserts aloud, almost jumping at her voices' sound. I will lie with him thus love be found, endearing words shall then abound. He'll thus keep me and take me to wife, No fears will stay me from this new life. A sweet bride I be that he brings to his fife, Love that is true shall give him no strife. Tho I appear a child, I am 15 today, so I am truly afraid he'll desire to stay. Shall I welcome him or swoon and sway, 'tis too much to decide this birthing-day. A child yesterday, a woman now grown? Mirror don't lie...is that really me shown? I cannot believe how I fill out this gown, and I woudst not appear to him as a clown. To what do I owe my heart's sudden racing? to you Red gown with your tight lacing, to the quickness of my pacing, or to this marriage I am facing? I hear a horse stopped mid-gallop, my hero at last has come to sup. I brace myself and breathe prayers up, then hastily re-fill my cup. I drink the wine and feel it's power, Mirror mine this is the hour. Reveal no secrets that are sour, show me as a fragile flower. ------------------------------------------------------------ GeldrinHor....She IS talking to her Mirror, to her it is an entity at this point in time, she is using it to help her get through a very scary time in her life. The moment a girl turns into a woman IS a very scary moment, and only her Mirror can tell the tale. I am not sure if I should do this one as 2 line stanzas or 4. Please tell me what you think...and tell me if it is too trite or not too. I absolutely cannot judge my own work effectively....I usually think it is rubbish.. Edited March 15, 2007 by LilacFlame
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