Inevitable Variations

[The Death of Rats]

Verily, the verity can be seen from the apogee;

startling the abbess minding artillery in the cannery

as we speak of a time wondering at the filigree's constancy in the stratosphere.

Pick up where you left off of the train in spain

and that coversation with a lovely girl named Lola.

There was music playing, the freight cars were swaying

with a rhythmic click clack that reminded you of a typewriter;

your mothers', as she sat smoking all but the butt of yet another cigarette

as she finished another chapter in the great american novel.

She was nothing like this woman, this Lola with the stars in her eyes

as the cars rumble by with her inside to the wonder of the folk

on unmoving seats in the countyryside and cities so great is her beauty;

her hair is plain, face unremarkable, voice like that of a thousand others,

but what remains, what is is her eyes, that smile,

something greater than earth, something greater than human

an unearthly radiance that fills you with peace as you speak

and she speaks and you listen and you remember a time

when you were a child, and it's the very first Christmas

it snowed and the tree was decorated just right, there was a roaring fire

carrying the promises of hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows in it,

and you were happy.

Thoughts of war, of your departed mother,

of works unfinished, of penitence,

of the skies above and other lands far away

bring you back to what started it all;

thoughts of your novel,

and what you'd like to say in this chapter.

Edited March 16, 2007 by The Death of Rats

[Ayshela]

wow.

... ...

*wanders off thoughtfully*

[Wyvern]

Very interesting stuff, Death of Rats. :-) The stream of conscious style works very well in this, and I especially like how you tie together the piece by paralleling the mother writing the "great american novel" with the second person of the poem writing his own novel. The flow of imagery and memories in the poem is very effective to me, and I like how you use Lola as the central point of association.

 

While the first sentence of the poem sounds amazing and wields a plethora of excellent vocabulary, I don't know if it added up to anything meaningful for me... Still, I do think the second sentence of the poem needs an introductory sentence before it, and the first sentence does fall in line with the stream of conscious style. Plus, I also felt like there was an underlying element of War and loss in this piece, and the reference to "artillery" in the first sentence hinted at that as well. So maybe it does fit there in the end, I'm not really sure.

 

Anyway, I really liked this poem Death of Rats. :-) Thanks for sharing it.

[Merelas]

I'm not sure if I know you; if so, it's been a long time, and it's good to see you again

 

You have intrigued me somewhat. I am of the opinion that the first sentence is brilliant. Your rhyme style is amazing; I only wish I could play that game. I'm also incredibly impress with what I think you're (intentionally) doing as far as the evolution of the poem is concerned. You slowly phase out the rhyme scheme, become more and more focused, and really finish strong. This is really well done.

 

My only discontent is that it's hard to read. As remarkable as the rhyme and evolution are, it's organized in such a way so that the stream-of-consciousness (which, I agree, works well) detracts from my understanding of the text. I think the stream of consciousness would work just as well if you divided it up by lines, maybe something like...

 

Verily, the verity can be seen from the apogee;

startling the abbess minding artillery in the cannery

as we speak of a time wondering at the filigree's constancy in the stratosphere.

 

Pick up where you left off of the train in spain

and that coversation with a lovely girl named Lola.

 

There was music playing, the freight cars were swaying

with a rhythmic click clack that reminded you of a typewriter;

your mothers', as she sat smoking all but the butt of yet another cigarette

as she finished another chapter in the great american novel.

 

This gives it a slightly different feel which may or may not be offensive to you.

 

Without a doubt, either way, ten gold stars (out of ten) .

[The Death of Rats]

*drags in the ghostly form of stuffed toy rabbit*

 

*swings it violently at Merelas' lower keg region- it hums harmlessly though*

 

*ties this five more times before giving up with a disgusted toss of the rabbit to the floor*

 

*gets a running start, and with a tiny, mighty leap, latche sonto it sprofile with toot and claw*

 

*Pennities run in horror, flee in terror and take grainy black and white photgraphs as an Internet Exploerer window containg the 'Mighty Tan pen' skin just through exactly nowehere into the keep*

 

*after much frenzied worrying, shkaing and chewing, the profile comes free*

 

*dropping to the floor, profile still gripped tightyl in teeth and paws, the Grim Squeaker winds up and delivers an impressive roundhouse to Merelas' kneecap with it. It sticks.*

 

*retriving its abandoned scythe from the floor, the small form gives a little wave beofre walkign through the walll into the next room*

[The Death of Rats]

SQUEAK,* is all that can be heard.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*poetry is really, REALLY hard for me. If I plan it, it invariably fails. If I wait for the words to come to *me*...well, that'sa different. This one happened while thinking of the chants and songs from "Bedknobs & Broomticks" (Disney movie- old. Tragoona, Macoities, and Tracorum setus dee!) a Saul Williams piece I cannot remember the name of ("riding on a freight train through the frezing rain, my reality went insane, and I think I saw Jesus", or somesuch) all while really having nothing more in mind than ttrying to make up my own monolgue like V has in the movie "V for Vendetta" (no, I own't even attempt it- lot of Vs, though. LOTS of them.) by combining the alliteration of his monlgue with the nonsense, peppy rhymes like thje "Bedknobs" had.

 

This, somehow, was the result of one night and one hour's thinking. I think that's what it was, and that sounds good, so that's what it is.

[The Portrait of Zool]

I haven't thought of 'Bedknobs' in a loooong time! That's some classic Disney there.

 

Love the poem, though I kinda liked the original form better - just my opinion.

[LilacFlame]

Greetings, I really love your poem, it flows beautifully, and is very evocative after the first part of it. I must say that the first part really threw me off, I thought wow, someone who loves to play with the word sounds, but then I am suddenly on a train with Lola and a soldier? I think. Just my 2 cents worth. You have a brilliant way with words...maybe the first part could begin as another poem? Just a thought, thanks for sharing that!

I love the whole train...novel....off to war...beautiful Lola parts.

 

Sincerely,

Lilac

[The Death of Rats]

A three inch-by-three inch piece of paper flutters down from the ceiling. It is written on in black crayon.

 

 

___________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

Think I finally found the happy medium. Final (?) version above.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sincerely,

[Ayshela]

drat. would you please post the edited version in a new post? It's very hard to compare the two with one version only existing in memory. =(

I still like this as much as I did when we talked about revisions.

[Loki Wyrd]

I enjoyed reading this. The sense of whimsy makes me smile, and it flows well between my lips. The ending is also well done, as the lines tighten up and things are reined in.