Humorous Obituaries

[Quincunx]

The IRC conversation began with Creative Ways to Croak Before I Reach My 30th Birthday, and then doglegged towards the silly.

 

Tzimfemme: Drowned in a chocolate factory. Resisted attempts at rescue.

(Last words: Screw you, I'm in the chocolate!)

 

Alternately: Impaled upon her own Wile E. Coyote chocolate-thieving contraption.

 

Rydia: Starved to death while admiring a backlit shiny.

 

Minta: Finally got to drink of a can of Red Bull and accelerated so quickly she became the Big Bang of another universe.

[Zadown]

The Dreamer: Killed by a well-meaning plastic surgeon. ("But I just removed all his scars!")

 

Whitelynx: Driven over by a car. ("Is that lump of snow moving?")

 

||`: Dismantled by a bunch of voracious Trick or Treaters during a Halloween. ("Schweeeeeet!")

 

Zadown of Old: Missed when sheathing the katana.

[Valdar and Astralis]

Contributed by Tzimfemme: lilValdar: did not realize that "it" had a countdown tim. . .shiny!

 

Waterlilly: Tentacles tangled into a knot trying to catch shiny angels flapping around nearby

 

Kitanue: Forced to wear full plate. Died from heat exhaustion in 5 minutes.

Edited March 19, 2007 by Valdar and Astralis

[reverie]

Revery: caught off guard while battling the an invasion from the realm of nightmares and shadows into the Dreamlost realm, a portal of fire opened up under his feet and the dreamlost fell into an unknown realm where he was promptly surrounded by his ancient nemeses the Red Wizards of Thay, who then set upon dispelling all his illusions, after which, he just faded away. Assumed dead.

 

Commander Quest: After the death of the dreamlost, Quest assumed the Realm of Nightmares and Shadows was responsible. His counter-attack against the initial invasion turned into a bloody crusade for revenge. He died in the 20th year of the campaign from natural cause i.e. old age.

 

Fountain: Towards the end of the seemingly endless Nightmare and Shadow war and in the same year of Commander Quest's death. Fountain captured a sorceress from Nightmare and Shadow realm. Despite amenity between the two realms, the two fell in love and where to be married at the war's end. Fearing treachery, the officers of the Dreamlost army had the sorceress poisoned. With both Commander Quest and Revery dead, a grieving Fountain found himself in charge of the Dreamlost Realm and the administration of the long and bitter war. Disgusted, Fountain negotiated an armistice's with the Realm of Nightmares and Shadows. A decade after the Armistice, Fountain finally succumbed to melancholy and died reportedly of a broken heart.

 

Castle: Turned back into lifeless stone the day Fountain died.

 

Decoy a.k.a. The Mighty Lawn Dart: retired to an old cottage in quiet community of the Dreamlost Realm after the War of Nightmares and Shadows. Died of natural causes.

 

Trace Dreamlost: After Fountain's death became the de facto leader of the Dreamlost Realm. Died under mysterious circumstances in the 12 year of his reign. Died in his sleep, causes unknown.

[Wyvern]

Wyvern slinks into the still-slippery Cabaret Room with a low grumble, his soaked scales drooping and giving his whole figure a very sulky demeanor. He coughs a bit of water and hacks up the remains of a lost Pen quill, then reaches into his pouch and pulls out a wet sheet of paper.

 

"Wrote this *cough* caught in recent tidesss, thinkin' I wouldn't make it. Writing's a little rushed, but s'kinda an obituary blurb."

 

Wyvern spreads the sheet on a table in the hopes of letting it dry, and picks up an overturned chair to sit on as the other pennites glance over the fading ink curiously.

 

Wyvern Q. Almostdragon (? - the year he became a gazillionaire)

 

Wyvern, also known to many under the monikers Wyvern the Great, Wyvern the Sexy Gecko, and Wyvern the Ignoble, passed away from what has been described as "hydro Zool-related nonsense" yesterday. The legendary lizard will be buried in an Almost Dragonic Brand Leftover Sales Cart Wood Coffin™, on sale now for only 50 geld, with accompanying Almost Dragonic Brand Wacked Weed Bouquets™ and Almost Dragonic Brand Funerary Sparkly Sprinklers™, 30 geld and 20 geld respectively. The great schemer will be surrounded by Almost Dragonic Brand Cardboard Filler Headstones™, selling at 15 geld a piece, and an Almost Dragonic Brand Zombie Moans Greatest Hits CD™ will be played as accompanying background music, on sale for 10 geld for a limited time only. Transportation to the funeral will be provided by Almost Dragonic Brand Kobold Hiking Services™, only 5 geld. Ladies can feel free to adorn Wyvern's burial sight with lingerie for 0 geld charge. Admissions to the funeral is 5000 geld. All proceeds from Almost Dragonic Inc. products will go directly to Wyvern's coffin, with the exception of 10% which will go to the charity of crafting a gold coin in his honor. Should Wyvern happen to not quite be dead and awaken from his coffin, there will be no refunds provided.

 

Wyvern Q. Almostdragon (? - the year he became a gazillionaire), Rest In Priceyness.

[Gwaihir]

Gwaihir - decided to plant himself with the Wiggly Cabbages and starved to death

 

or

 

Gwaihir - tried to make friends with a new plant who turned out to be carnivorous

 

or

 

Gwaihir - Finally took one too many falls and spent his last years without his memory happpily over watering his garden.

[Katzaniel]

Horace: Finally took enough notice of her surroundings to realize that she was walking on thin air. Fell, cartoon-like, to her death.

 

Inbi: Created and melted enough ice during a battle that she, and her foes, all ended up drowned.

 

Katzaniel: Finally picked a fight with something tougher than her. Died without ever admitting to this fact.

 

Aniel: Eaten while trying to collect the tooth from something that ended up not-quite-dead.

[Whisky in Babylon]

Whisky- Picked an extra big sunflower and went to smell it, she than swallowed a honey bee and started to choke. After narrowly surviving that (Having coughed up said bee) she was promply stomped on by an angry albino moose just because he could.

[Guest Phoenix]

Phoenix - spontaneously combusted

 

last seen shooting off in several different directions

final location unknown - will probably be discovered by the bushfires

[The Portrait of Zool]

ROFL Wyvern.

 

 

The Portrait of Zool, long time pain in the Pen, died yesterday after having come unhung, as a complication of de-composition. He also suffered chronically from fading colors, blurring of the lines, saggy canvas, light in his shadows, senseless proportion, low oil, termites, peeling gilt, and complete loss of perspective. Donations should be given to Society for the Care of Ancient Retired Elders (SCARE) or the Society for Prevention of the Anguish of Rubber Chickens (SPARC). Services are scheduled for this friday at Bob's used art and thrift store. Zool will be on display over the fake fireplace for 30 days, and, if there are no takers, then on into the dumpster, and that great landfill in the sky.

[Finnius]

Ways Finnius has already died -

 

Cannabalized at a birthday party.

 

Slipped in the kitchen and impaled himself on an onion peeler.

 

Cut down by Gyrfalcon, though admittedly he was possessed by a demon at the time. (Finn, not Gyr.)

 

Retroactively blowed up at Mount Tyrant, again by Gyrfalcon, though admittedly he was possessed by a demon at the time. (Gyr, not Finn.)

 

Died of unspecified causes, possibly in an attempt to get some pie at the funeral.

 

Ways Finnius could die, and possibly already has and just doesn't remember -

 

Babysat for Minta, ended up as a funny blue zommie.

 

Haggled with Wyvern about why exactly he's still paying guild dues when he hasn't been in a guild in ages, was unexpectedly crushed to death under the weight of a falling stack of Wyv's unfinished paperwork.

 

Accidentally suffocated during a Peredhug, was immediately ressurected and dusted off.

 

Rolled over during one of his frequent naps in the higher branches of the Mighty Oak.

 

Finally figured out how to succesfully cast a Fireball.

[slinky the gothimp]

A thin imp appears from a mousehole, looking around as if she was scared of being found...

 

The light is dim before us

Sadows appear and fall

A barage of savage ways

Only the darkness darkness can filter though

 

... she is startled and scurries away, vanishing into the shadows.

[Tanuchan]

Tanny

As a wolf - went for one tacklehug too much, not noticing her vict...erm... new friend was a fire elemental (and that wolves aren't fireproof).

 

As a tanuki - left her tail dangling from the tree branch she was sleeping on and got mistaken for a coonskin cap by the Horned Demon who inhabited the nearest cave. Got impaled in its horns.

[Regel]

Regel found many ways to die in game.

 

Insufficient funds, self inflicted spells, gross incompetence, and handing out way too many counters where just a few.

 

 

In my characters style though if Regel was to be killed off it would be from falling off his soap box.

[cryptomancer]

The Raven- Caffeine and sugar overdose caused the avian poet to attempt to fly through the Pen Keep upside down. The attention span of an upside down raven inhibited his ability to realise that the hearth was not a open skylight at sunset.

 

Cryptomancer- Opened a portal to his absynthe bar and found it inhabited by a demonic biker gang.

 

Ego- Fell in love with a godess and became 'well controlled'

 

[Ozymandias]

Killed in altercation at Red Sea after proclaiming to Jewish leaders, "Your 'parted waters' trick doesn't scare the great Pharaoh RamsURBPLHGBULGBh...*"

 

 

OR

 

 

Found out the bull pen is also mightier than the sword.

[The Death of Rats]

Ironically shuffled off the immortal coil from Bubonic plague.

[Ayshela]

(throws a baseball at Ozymandias...heh)

 

Likely deaths:

 

Ayshela - hearing Kaitlyn's distressed cry, she leaped to help her, forgetting in her sleepy/coffee-deprived state that she was not on the ground floor. To Gwaihir's distress, she fell three stories into a formerly-hearty rose bush.

 

Kaitlyn - too much sugar combined with a very rainy muddly puddly day and led to a hyperactive bout of puddle-jumping. Upon her return to the Keep Kaitlyn was mistaken for a very small earth elemental.

OR

Kaitlyn fell into the savage clutches of a sugar crash, which pitched her sound asleep in the Wiggly Cabbage Patch. She drowned when Gwaihir was overwatering them.

 

*giggles*

[NightFae]

Fae's tragic death

[LilacFlame]

LilacFlame: died while trying to win an argument with GeldrinHor, she simply fell asleep while he was ranting and never woke up.

 

(BTW...read this to GH b-4 posting, and he didn't seem exactly appreciative....though he did say that you folks would probably love it....