Whisky in Babylon Posted February 28, 2007 Report Share Posted February 28, 2007 Well heres to probably offending alot of people. Enjoy. Laced with velvet black and lacerations of white fall to your knees scream to the one you call God or is it all a cruel joke? A lecher behind a mask of purity? The indulgent fool in the cloak of the righteous? Perhaps you are the biggest fool of all, who kneels before the alters begs forgiveness and immunity from damnation, sing the praises out of fear far more than love. So scream to the one you call God scream till your throat becomes raw but where is his true voice? Will he ever scream back to you? Not the Masquerade that is man a word scribed in the time when men were little more than beasts and women were little more than cattle So cast me aside, I will not grovel at your feet force my nature back down my throat. take away the temptations that make me human no, send me to fire, I will not change what I am You see, I get the joke catch the lecher and silence the fool I will not stand to be one of the fools who kneels before the alters begging forgiveness and immunity from damnation, singing the praises out of fear far more than love. I will not to scream to the one you call God.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeldrinHor Posted March 1, 2007 Report Share Posted March 1, 2007 (edited) Well heres to probably offending alot of people. Enjoy. Laced with velvet black and lacerations of white fall to your knees scream to the one you call God or is it all a cruel joke? A lecher behind a mask of purity? The indulgent fool in the cloak of the righteous? Perhaps you are the biggest fool of all, who kneels before the alters = altars begs forgiveness and immunity from damnation, sing the praises out of fear far more than love. So scream to the one you call God scream till your throat becomes raw but where is his true voice? Will he ever scream back to you? Not the Masquerade that is man a word scribed in the time when men were little more than beasts and women were little more than cattle So cast me aside, I will not grovel at your feet force my nature back down my throat. take away the temptations that make me human no, send me to fire, I will not change what I am You see, I get the joke catch the lecher and silence the fool I will not stand to be one of the fools who kneels before the alters (altars, once again) begging forgiveness and immunity from damnation, singing the praises out of fear far more than love. I will not to scream to the one you call God.. Overall, I can see a deep seated need to announce "I shall follow my own rules, and not accept the rules laid down by others, I have no fear of your opinion, I only fear shutting down my heart" I can see, from your opening remarks, that you will ACCEPT opinion, both negative and positive, without compunction. The pacing set the mood for this piece. I saw many faces in this....fear, angst, anger, and near-madness. Interesting overall. Thought provoking, as long as one can suspend their own beliefs, however temporarily, and read the piece for it's poetic value, instead of content. I have to chew this one over a bit longer, but I think you did nicely in this work. Edited March 1, 2007 by GeldrinHor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Regel Posted March 20, 2007 Report Share Posted March 20, 2007 (edited) Well titled and in terms of the expected effect I would say you probably largely succeeded. It is difficult for me to criticize an attitude I once held myself. I was a troubled defiant youth with a large chip on my shoulder. Several passages stuck me So scream to the one you call God scream till your throat becomes raw but where is his true voice? Will he ever scream back to you? If there is a god=creator why would he have given a child a gun? Free will What would this god=creator say to this small speck of dust that raged so eloquently? Large yawn What would be the point of screaming back to a defiant child that isn't listening? So cast me aside, I will not grovel at your feet force my nature back down my throat. take away the temptations that make me human no, send me to fire, I will not change what I am This is almost an acknowledgment of the existence of a higher being and doing this This old old quote was brought to mind "There are no atheists in foxholes" As to re awaking the doubt that once lived inside of me it fell a bit short and besides we are living in a free society where everyone has the right to have their own opinion. I remember thinking to myself "Oh my! Bob Dylan has found religion!" when I heard this song he wrote but he is right. You're gonna have to serve somebody, Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord But you're gonna have to serve somebody. Edited March 20, 2007 by Regel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merelas Posted March 21, 2007 Report Share Posted March 21, 2007 Regel brings up some points that are interesting for me, but I like this poem a lot. It evokes images of passion for me; passion in vain on the part of the believer. It also evokes a sort of cynicism, condescension and superiority on the part of the protagonist (which is fine; it's a very strong voice to work with). I therefore am impressed with the overall tone, word choice, style and format. Some of the linguistic choices escape me, however, and I'll discuss them below: Laced with velvet black and lacerations of white I don't know what this means or to what it is referring. Perhaps I'm just slow on the uptake. or is it all a cruel joke? A lecher behind a mask of purity? The indulgent fool in the cloak of the righteous? Couple of things in this stanza-- 1) The break from four lines to three lines is something I don't understand here. It's clearly a linguistic choice, but one I don't understand. Is it whimsy, or is there some reason you want this to stand out. If it's the latter, you might want to clarify what should stand out. 2) The modifiers/adjectives are dangling. I'm not sure who's the lecher, the indulgent fool. Is it the believer, the unnamed "you" referred to in the poem or "the one you call god"? So scream to the one... Twice you lead to a stanza with "so." I think it detracts from the rhythm (I can't ever spell that word) of the poem for me, but that's a personal, stylistic choice. scream till your throat becomes raw I would choose a different verb here. "scream till your throat bloodies," or, "scream till your throat bleeds raw", or, "scream till your throat is raw" even. Again, personal stylistic choice. Not the Masquerade that is man a word scribed in the time when men were little more than beasts and women were little more than cattle One of a few moments in the poem that really grabbed me. I think another one was "will he ever scream back to you?" It does this sort of gut-jerk reality check for the reader... or at least for me. You should be proud. I will not stand to be one of the fools who kneels before the alters begging forgiveness and immunity from damnation, singing the praises out of fear far more than love. The repetition here works well--you tied it back in with the beginning nicely. It doesn't seem redundant at all, which is imortant with repetition. Overall, well done. Entrhalling, and I hope to see more of your work in the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whisky in Babylon Posted April 28, 2007 Author Report Share Posted April 28, 2007 Wow this is really late to be bringing this up...I just like to comment on the comments after I get a few and I never noticed the others as I left shortly after posting it. First thanks for not tearing me appard due to the veiws. Well thank you for your comments and crit, its one of my favorite poems so Im glad it was overall liked ps. For Merelas: Laced with velvet black and lacerations of white I don't know what this means or to what it is referring. Perhaps I'm just slow on the uptake It was my attemt to describe priests without actually saying priests. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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