Kishana Mornai Posted February 22, 2007 Report Posted February 22, 2007 Hand in my pocket My fingers curl Around two small pills Put there Just In Case. How are you feeling How are you doing Are you OK? I open my wallet A list of instructions Numbers to call Put there Just in Case. How are you feeling How are you doing Are you OK? A syllabus altered Things crossed out Different assignments Put there Just In Case. How are you feeling How are you doing Are you OK? NO! Shutupandleave.
reverie Posted February 25, 2007 Report Posted February 25, 2007 (edited) very nice. only thing that throws me is the syllabus altered stanza. Seem an abrupt shift from the language thus far. Like, it's hard to conceive of someone carrying a syllabus in their pocket. Doesn't mean it can't happen even figuratively, but don't think "instructions" is a strong enough prep. for the launch into the realm of the syllabi. Also, I think you could have greater effect by omitting the last line and letting the poem hang on it's chorus/refrain. Edited February 25, 2007 by reverie
Wyvern Posted February 26, 2007 Report Posted February 26, 2007 Nice poem, Kishana. :-) The repetition of the italicized "Are you O.K?" stanzas has an interesting effect, as it seems to give the words of concern a nagging undertone that frustrates the narrator by the end of the piece. The presence of the pills, instructions, and phone numbers are also very interesting to me, as they seem to suggest a certain reliance on the part of the narrator or an overprotectiveness on the part of the person asking the questions. Out of curiousity, is there a particular reason that you chose to capitalize the first letters of "Just In Case" at the ends of those stanzas? I agree with reverie that the last line of the poem might not be having the effect that you currently desire with it, as the combined "Shutupandleave" statement almost gives the stanza a more comic feel to me than it does a dramatic feel. You might consider expanding this stanza with a more elaborate exploration of the frustration involved to improve upon this, or you could simply drop it as reverie suggested. Anyway, thanks for sharing this here Kishana. :-) Welcome to the Mighty Pen.
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