GeldrinHor Posted February 11, 2007 Report Posted February 11, 2007 I look upon my past as others look upon a page/ I wonder what I see there, of all that I could change/ I often think how some things happened, could I have done that wrong?/ or was that just the way of life repeating it's own song// I sit, some nights, much later than most folks have gone to bed/ and try to organize my memories, thoughts run through my head/ the smiles, the tears, the anger, how can such things affect my life/ the warmth I feel each night when my arms go around my wife// I look upon my pets, my friends, the cats who share my home/ of how they live so carefree, not caring where they roam/ their existence is so simple, "pet me, feed me, lie down there"/ as my Shaman lies down carefully on my pillow, face in hair// Oh Tigerlily, ash and brown and black, all royal air/ for Siamese are so finicky, not one single misplaced hair/ She would spend her days all curled up, snuggled closely in my lap/ And Hoppy, he would have a blast just wrestling with my cap// I worked so hard my whole life long, why can't I take a rest/ reflect upon the things I've done, of how I passed life's test/ but then I realize it's time to go, got things to do again/ it's back to work to earn a check, pay the bills, oh man// **note: will continue this at a more reasonable hour**
Wyvern Posted February 14, 2007 Report Posted February 14, 2007 Nice stuff, Geldrinhor. :-) There were a number of lines that really made me smile, with the line about putting your arms around your wife and the line about Tigerlily's fur winning the biggest grins. There was a real feeling of happiness in the tone of the poem, despite the lines about the bill-paying, and I found that refreshing. :-) The style in which you spread out the lines and seperate things through slashes also struck me as interesting... I take it you wrote this late at night, but did you have any particular intention with the way you spread things out? It gives it a sort of fragmented, dream-like feel to me, which is cool. A few suggestions for if you choose to revise or continue this piece: the imagery and tone are well-incorporated, but the contemplations on your wife and the things that could have happened feels like a different subject than the contemplations about your pets. Obviously, if this poem consists of getting your thoughts on paper late at night, different trains of thought are only natural... but it might be interesting to try and seperate the subjects to their own poems, or perhaps add in other lines that connect the different lines of thought. Also, just nitpicking here, but "it's" should probably read "its" in the first stanza, and the final rhyme between "again" and "man" wasn't as convincing to me as the other rhymes of the poem. Anyway, nice stuff Geldrinhor. :-) Looking forward to a continuation to this, or any other poetry of yours for that matter.
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