Moment

[iPenguin]

This one I wrote a little while ago and was inspired partially by the book I'm writing called Dreamwriter. It's my first post here, so I hope you like it

 

The traveler peers into the gloom

Discovering what it means to be alive

Wandering silently, peacefully

Drifting mistily, ever asleep.

 

Dewy eyes of golden starlight

Sparkling reassuringly

To the tune of the summer breeze

In the long grass

I watch in silence, for a moment

No more.

 

Weren't we there, for a time?

For a brief moment, in an instant of glass?

Or was it a dream?

 

Sweeping eerily, wistfully

Through the night sky

On the backs of clouds

Frozen for a moment

Suspended, motionless

Soaring

For a moment.

 

Travel with me now

Pull apart the mists of illusion

And part the curtains of despair

Step into the realm of a moment.

 

A field of white with drops of silver glaze

Perhaps above us, but who can tell?

It drifted in and out of focus

But we didn't.

 

Weren't we there for a time?

Shimmering in a pool of starlight?

Or was it a dream?

 

Opening eyes, extinguish the sun

Dreamwriter lays down his pen

And I almost believed what he wrote

For a moment.

[reverie]

Okay, I'm going to give some light criticism here (just a touch), so please don't get offended.

 

 

I've discovered that if don't follow the old convention of capitalizing every line, then your syntax, or the how your phrases or sentences are arranged on each line in relation to the other lines of the poem has greater effect. This is just personal preference though.

 

 

The traveler peers into the gloom (Qualify this. What is this gloom you speak of? Could you describe it differently?)

Discovering what it means to be alive

Wandering silently, peacefully

Drifting mistily, ever asleep. (might not need "mistily" / "Peacefully" in the previous line has enough weight to carry the image)

 

Dewy eyes of golden starlight

Sparkling reassuringly (Okay, so Eyes sparkle to the tune of the summer breeze. What is the tune of the summer breeze anyway?

To the tune of the summer breeze

In the long grass (like this)

I watch in silence, for a moment

No more. (So the breeze has broken the silence? Breeze are usually calming things, and though it's weird to say, it seems like a breeze might add to a silence like with white-noise. Now a gal-force wind, that will get you're attention)

 

Weren't we there, for a time?

For a brief moment, in an instant of glass?

Or was it a dream?

 

Sweeping eerily, wistfully

Through the night sky

On the backs of clouds

Frozen for a moment

Suspended, motionless

Soaring

For a moment.

 

Travel with me now,

Pull apart the mists of illusion

And part the curtains of despair (which are?)

Step into the realm of a moment.

 

A field of white with drops of silver glaze

Perhaps above us, but who can tell?

It drifted in and out of focus

But we didn't.

 

Weren't we there for a time?

Shimmering in a pool of starlight?

Or was it a dream?

 

Opening eyes, extinguish the sun

Dreamwriter (Proper Name? or if title adding a "the" could help) lays down his pen

And I almost believed what he wrote

For a moment. (nice ending)

[iPenguin]

Thanks! I really appreciate your comments and criticisms, I like it when people actually care enough to take the time to really give some good feedback rather than just "nice poem" or something.

 

Probably before I explain this any further, I should maybe say that I didn't adequately preface this poem. The story that it is based on takes place in the world of Dreams. This probably could have been gleaned from the final stanza, but one of the central ideas of the poem is the lack of reality involved. The idea of the tune of the summer breeze can't really be defined, I wouldn't really be able to give it a melody, it is rather supposed to evoke an image (even if that image is aural).

 

In the second stanza, it isn't the breeze which has broken the silence. You are correct that the breeze would add to the serenity of the scene. The "no more" is rather supposed to be ambiguosly interpreted: either as "I no longer watch in silence" for reasons later enumerated in the poem, or "No more than a moment".

 

You are correct in saying that Dreamwriter is a title. The thing is, there isn't only one. I'm still not entirely sure, I have actually been debating whether to add "the" in. But in my story as well, I have not yet decided if one would address the Dreamwriters as merely "Dreamwriter". It's something I'm still sorta bouncing around.

 

Thanks for the comments, I'll take them into consideration next time I'm in a revising mood. I always welcome constructive criticism.

[reverie]

cool.

 

Oh real quick. If there are actually several "Dreamwriters" like as a class. Then you can still use "the."

 

It's like saying. Oh look, its the Soldier. or the Free-mason, the preacher, or the Dreamer (like Joseph and the...). Can be taking for reverence, point of fact, or insult.

 

rev...