The Mighty Pen Garden Gnome Recreation Center

[Regel]

Regel thought long and hard about what he could contribute. The only thing he knew about garden gnomes was that they are largely invisible at night, as his shins can attest, and then it came to him. Reaching into his satchel he found a pale lime green container of paint. "Perfect" he spoke out loud; it was a special type of luminescent paint that could be brush on to these statuaries that would not change their colours during the day but would make them light up like they were made in Chernobyl at night. For good measure Regel added an stick with animal hair attached to it, "I call it a paintbrush!"

Edited March 13, 2007 by Regel

[Quincunx]

A circular pressure hatch on Q's underside flopped open, a rope ladder unrolled from the opening, and Minta skidded down the side of the ladder, giggling like mad. "Cousin. . .teehehehee. . .cousin looks like Captain KIRK!" she shrilled before collapsing on the painted grass and rolling around, kicking her heels and giggling. The next gnomie to come down the ladder paused halfway and picked off his pompadour wig, returning to a more natural Captain-Picard-esque look, with proper Starfleet-styled robes. After that comes a similar boy gnomie who runs over to the shiiiiiiny silver bullet's surface. Following him are a pair of gnomies in fantastically bright multicolored plate armor; she zips over to the slide, he goes to the sushi plate. Minta's giggling subsides to a hiccup and "teehee" every now and again.

[Valdar and Astralis]

Little Valdar ooooh's at Appy's stuff, and starts polishing.

 

"Shiny!"

[Psimon]

Psimon blinks in carrying a bag bulging with tags which he proceeds to pin, plant, or paste on everything...

 

"Yes, I think the desk is 'Bob', and this tree is definitely a 'Delores', and this rock... hmmm, this rock is... is, ah..." He rummages through his bag for a moment. "Ah, here we are... 'Peter', yes, 'Peter' is a good name for you, my friend. I... sorry, what? This is the Garden Name Recreation Center, isn't it? Oh... well, I'm so embarrassed. No, really. I thought it said... oh, dear me..."

 

In a blaze of red-faced fluster, Psimon blinks OUT...

 

[Whisky in Babylon]

Whisky slumps in. her hair in pig tails laced with rainbow ribbons that match her socks that scale up to her knees. no shoes, and a simple black skirt with a matching short sleeve that has a pink snail on the left shoulder. Grumbling with a notebook in hand. She scribbles with her green pen...."Stupid..dumb... writers block...who invented writers block anyway!?...anti writers thats who...." gumble grumble.....

[GeldrinHor]

As the old man steps out the rear doors of the Keep, obviously lost in some odd thought, he shouts suddenly, grabbing at his shin. He looks down to see what he had stumbled upon, when he realized that dusk had arrived and there were a number of GLOWING beings surrounding him. As he focused better on his immeiate surroundings, he realized he was being encircled by a small army of gnomes. Not your ordinary, everyday, machine shop and magic emporium type gnomes, but instead, smaller, ruddy, grubby looking statues of their elderkin. The only truly odd thing was....why in blazes were they glowing?

 

 

 

After several moments of rubbing his shin, and the occasional blast of old-style expletives, the old man returns to his thoughts. Finally, having found a bench with at least a scant amount of room on which to place his posterior, he sits and looks up into the darkening skies.

 

 

 

"I haven't the faintest idea what entertains a gnome. I mean, do they play cards? Board games?"

 

From behind the old man, a deep harrumphing noise could be heard, and he turns to the sound, spotting a VERY luminescent and overly tall Garden Gnome struggling with a rather nasty looking wolf pup.

 

"Hey.....you know anything about Barbaques?"

 

Smiling gently, the old man nods, and lifting his arms up, he begins intoning a very potent, but miniscule amount of power. Several yards away, in a nice open spot of grass (Painted??? Already...but it's spring!) the ground starts to rumble slightly, a deep ominous hum emanating from the center of a four square foot area,

 

 

 

Moments later, a nice round mound of earth begins to rise, taking on an odd shape as it does. After the mound stops, a deep forest green glow surrounds it, and sparks begin to flash here and there, and several of the residents appear to don smallish helmets with tinted glass on the front (Welding masks in THIS day and age? Really, old man....get more creative...LOL). After several more moments, the old man finishes up his spell, and reaches into his voluminous robes, pulling out several long tools, tongs, forks and even a long handled pliers looking apparatus, leaning them all up against the side of his Creation.

 

 

 

"My tiny friends....I present to you....a Gnome-sized BBQ!"

 

 

 

At this, several more gnomes come out, looking over the brick oven style bbq, with a shiny grill on top and an old-fashioned iron grating in front....all that, and only two feet tall.

 

 

 

Satisfied, the old man rises from his bench, wandering off through the side gate, whistling as he heads off toward the conservatory and other libraries.

[Quincunx]

Finally another cueball-bald male gnomie with a runner's tag on the back of his robes, pinned on with two safety pins and proclaiming "Blatin", tumbles down the ladder and begins to cast a spell.

 

*POP*

 

A white tiger cat-lady materializes on top of the caster, picks him up by the scruff of his neck and the beginnings of his cloak, and carries him out of the Garden Gnome Recreation Center.

[Norman]

Wondering through the gnome garden Norman tries to restrain himself from mass gnomicide, he never did recall the cutlural differences in gnomes and orcs being resolved at any stage.

 

Noticing people adding objects to the garden collection gave him an idea.

 

It took several hours, a large vat of plaster, some careful mounlding, and a bucket of off-green paint, but finally he managed to finish his addition, a small orc statuette, with a large club, standing behind every gnome he could find that wouldnt take offence at the addition of an attacking orc to its 'look'.

[Annael]

As Annael wandered throught the Recreation Center, she absently waved her hand. In her wake, were various "flowers" made up of butterflies.

[Merelas]

Merelas strolls into the garden, still sinking into his old haunt. He notices the badge on his chest marked "WEENIE" that giggles with a mechanical cackle every time something bumps against it. He shrugs, moves towards the center of the garden.

 

Just then, Wyvern makes his announcement to the assembled pennites. Having brought nothing to offer, Merelas thinks for a moment, before deciding. Quickly, he spurs a fire next to him, and it roars to a height over his head.

 

He jumps into it and disappears. Moments later, he re-appears holding something, and steps out. The flame is extinguished with a wave of his hand, and we can see that what he's holding is a torch. Most who know Merelas well would wonder why he's brought a source of fire other than of his own making. Merelas cleared a spot in the garden, and produced a small silver bowl which he placed on the ground; finally, he threw the torch into the bowl. The wood burned rapidly to ash, leaving nothing behind. The fire burned on.

 

If he had been asked about it, Merelas would have told his questioner that this fire was taken from the Everlasting Flame in the land of his fathers; nothing could extinguish this hearth until the last of the fire-elves perished from Terra.

[Patrick]

An idea. He needed an idea. Several hours he had already thought about this problem and had found nothing. And then suddenly, as though an idea was born in his head...but no...it was just Patham remembering that he was hungry. *CLICK*

 

He had it. Although the gnomes never got hungry, there were those little rodents, mice and rats who could sneak up on them and take a bite out of them. And rodents were an owls natural enemy. A simple feather from an owl, given to each gnome might be enough to keep them away.

 

Half an hour later, Patham presented the collection of feathers to the gnomes, giving one to each one of them.

[Venefyxatu]

Venefyxatu heard the announcement and sat down on a bench, quietly watching the variety of gifts being dragged in and magicked up. After a while he got an idea and got up, starting to work on some magic of his own.

 

Various incantations, gestures and mutterings later, a rusty iron fence rose up in a rather remote corner of the garden, surrounding a set of gnome-sized, ancient-looking gravestones and mausoleums. Remarkable about those was that, except for a few decorative carvings, they had no inscriptions whatsoever.

 

Several of the gnomes that had come to watch were frowning pensively.

 

"Your very own graveyard."

 

"But ... erm ... we're garden gnomes. It's not like we're going to die, you know."

 

From the back, a voice piped up.

 

"And what about that incident with the broken shovel and Ma Dofclay?"

 

"Shut up! We're garden gnomes, we don't occupy graveyards."

 

The Nether mage sighed and chanted a few more spells. An eerie fog crept out of the graves, clutching ghostly fingers around the tombs. Faint moans could be heard, as well as rattling chains.

 

"There. Your own haunted horror-graveyard. Enjoy ..."

 

With that, the necromancer went back to his bench to take a seat again.

[Mithrandin]

/me posts

[Wyvern]

Wyvern twists his snout as he carefully steps his way around Tanuchan's water energy threads, almost losing his balance as the resident Anti-Gnome and accompanying fox gnome team race by. The overgrown lizard makes his way through Mynx's still-empty fountain and hops over the giggling Minta Rose, then maneuvers past reverie's tax advice table and pauses at the middle of the recreation center clearing to catch his breath. He ignores the sushi vs. barbeque arguments that rage on nearby as he lifts a parchment to his snout.

 

"Attention all pennites." Wyvern lifts a claw and sighs as a brawl breaks out over which gnome should get the nicer of two Victorian wigs. Wyv sighs and reaches for a nearby treebranch. "ATTENTION ALL PENNITESSS!"

 

The crowds of the Mighty Pen Garden Gnome Recreation Center turn as Wyvern lifts Zadown's magelight from its spot on the branch for a moment, filling the courtyards with a glowing light.

 

"I have your attention? Good." Wyvern hangs the magelight back on its original branch, and looks over the silent crowds. He turns and licks the sugar gnome quickly, then clears his throat and continues. "I would like to hereby announce that this optional roll call is now CLOSED to participation. The garden gnomesss have informed me that they've grown tired of being animated, and are now satisfied to return to their original gimmick state."

 

Wyvern steps forward, only to find that his tongue is stuck on the sugar gnome's arm. He pulls at it a bit in the hopes of getting it unstuck as he continues.

 

"Thank you to everyone who participated in this and made the gnomesss feel welcome here. In the hopes of coming to terms with recent demands from the Pen's full-time membership, we've decided to remove the Weenie Awards and take a different approach to the roll call. From this point forward, all Pen accounts that did not post in this roll call will immediately be deleted, along with all of their posts. Our hope is that the clean-up of inactive accounts will be finished by tommorow morning (4/2/07)."

 

The crowds stare at Wyvern in silence as he continues tugging at his tongue.

 

...

 

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"April Fooooollllssss!" Wyvern laughs, only to scrunch his face in pain as he pulls at his tongue with all his might. "Naw, in all ssseriousness though, no accounts will be deleted, but I've decided to drop Weenie Awards from this roll call, along with any other roll calls that I end up hosting. I really do appreciate you all participating in it, however, and am sure that the garden gnomes have really appreciated it as well. Apologies to those who were looking forward to a Weenie roast afterwards... feel free to help yourssselves to the all-new Almost Dragonic Brand Discount Salad Bar™ instead!"

 

Wyvern waves a claw in the direction of the relevant table. Pennites let out a collective groan over what appears to be several bowls of dead leaves painted green via Zool's nature paints.

 

"Thanksss once a-*grunt*-gain" Wyvern grits his teeth as he stretches his tongue out even further, pulling the sugar gnome a few inches forward. "Should you ever need to sssummon one of these gnomes, simply stand in the magic circle that Ryu created and ssspeak the name of your gift thrice. The gnome most related to your gift will appear, but only once... for after a single summoning, they will return to statue-form forever, and you will not be able to summon another of the gnomes again. Here'sss a listing of'em should you ever need one of them:"

 

---

 

Gnadia Mountainwater - Garden Gnome Deity of Fresh Soil.

Fidelia Flower - Garden Gnome Deity of Fertilization.

Meirforwitz Heftyhelm - Garden Gnome Deity of Cement Gnome Structures.

Mini-||' - Sugar Gnome Guardian (created by Starlight).

Luminesca Kittenears - Garden Gnome Deity of Glow-in-the-Dark Good Fortune Cats.

Herboert Heckaspear - Resident Garden Gnome Anti-Scrooge Charmer

Bullhead McFearsome - the Anti-Gnome (created by Canid).

Dandy Thesaurus - Three-time Gnomish Trivia Champion.

The Seventy Tails - Garden Gnome Foxtrot Distraction Troop (created by Daryl).

Prettylips Ambrosia - Garden Gnome Deity of Relic Fashion

Flamingo Mack - Garden Gnome Feather Collector.

Riechter Van Sturdyborrow - Garden Gnome Lycanathropy Expert.

Gnorbert Deeproots - Garden Gnome Plastic Surgeon.

Shaggy - the Garden Gnome Fluff Guardian.

Efferszius Tick - Garden Gnome Lifespan Errosion Timer.

Twenty Bubbles - Resident Garden Gnome Trout Look-a-like.

It T - the Tag-you're-It Garden Gnome.

Havanother Tasty Bunches - Specialty Plastic Chef Garden Gnome

Globurlorb Yeastfan - Garden Gnome Orc Diplomat (created by Norman the Runt).

Gneville Greenleaves - Garden Gnome Deity of Blossoms.

Sizzlemelt - the Liquid Plastic Melted Garden Gnome (accidentally created by Merelas).

The Zombie of Old Ma Dofclay - Garden Gnome Haunt.

 

---

 

"Thanksss again." Wyvern lets his shoulders slump and breaths out a sigh as yet another tongue-tug proves unsuccessful. "Errr... could sssomeone maybe help me with Mini-||' here? Would hate to cut his lifespan short, but I'm a lil' sssstuck..."

 

;-)

[The Big Pointy One]

Rushing down the hallway, Stick pants and gasps for as he tries to make it to the courtyard in time.

 

Come on, come on... gotta make it in time...

 

A few more turns, a good straightaway, and finally he makes it. He dashes straight for the fountain, paying little to heed to any sort of obstacles regardless of their sentience. Leaping up, he tackles Wyvern out of the fountain, then raises one hand while he catches his breath.

 

"Wait.... ha... just... ah... a second... ~wheeze~ gotta.. catch.. my.. breath.." He pauses for a moment then stands up straight, "Okay. WAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!! I'm here, I'm here! Don't gimme a weenie!"

 

Wyvern rubs his head and stands up, opens his mouth to say something, then stops himself. Rubbing his palms together, he slaps together a scheme and tries again. "Thhhtick, ol' buhhy ol' pal... y'know, you'ah kinna too late to avoie *THAT*. Howefah, I think we can work out thhhome thhhort of jeal... let'tthhh thhhay about.... pive hundeh gelz?"

 

"...what?" Stick questioned Wyv, not really able to make out what he was saying.

 

"I'll get rih of youah weenie foah pive hundeh gelz."

 

"You're gonna do *WHAT* to my weenie?"

 

"I'll get rih of it foah pive hundeh gelz!"

 

"What?"

 

"Five hundeh."

 

"Uh..."

 

"Gelz!!"

 

"Huh?"

 

"PIVE HUNDEH GELZ! PIVE HUNDEH GELZ! NO MOAH WEENIE FOAH FIVE HUNDEH GELZ!!"

 

"What about my weenie?"

 

"!!!!!!"

 

"Oh, I see."

 

"Yeah..."

 

"You have something on your tongue there, let me get that."

 

Wyvern double takes and falls over backwards, frustrated with Stick's blatant... cluelessness. He gets back to his feet to explain to Stick that he'll get rid of his (nonexistent) weenie award for geld but is interrupted by Stick grabbing his tongue.

 

"Let me get rid of this for ya..." he reaches out to grab the garden gnome.

 

"Wai, wai, wai!!!"

 

"This'll only hurt for a sec..." Stick yanks the garden gnome to no avail. "Huh, it's really stuck on there... let's try that again." Tugging a few more times, ignoring Wyvern's pained yelps at each attempt, Stick is disappointed to find that the gnome is immovable.

 

"Wow, did you lick some superglue or something... y'know what, nevermind, I don't wanna know how this got here. It's time for desperation tactic E. Stay still, 'cause if I miss, this is really gonna hurt." In curteous fashion, Stick takes out a napkin and tucks it into his shirt. He does a few quick stretches, and then clenches and undclenches his jaw a few times.

 

"W-w-wai a minuh, wha are you toing?"

 

"Hold still now..." Stick pinches Wyvern's tongue in an attempt to get it to stay still, then reaches in and bites the gnome. In a tremendous gulp, the majority of the gnome disappears of Wyvern's tongue, leaving the outermost layer of it's gnome hat attached to Wyvern's tongue. "Huh, well, that almost worked."

 

Someone from the crowd remarks "Hey, did that guy just open mouth kiss Wyvern?" to a few titters and giggles which Stick ignores.

 

"Now, what was it about my weenie?"

 

Wyvern raises a claw as if to answer, then collapses, the stress of dealing with Stick obviously too much too handle.

 

"What? Do I get one? What's going on here?"