Isa Posted December 6, 2006 Report Share Posted December 6, 2006 I hate you I hate you I hate you you push me and pull me and push me away I hate when you tell me to go and to stay You need me you pluck me You bleed me you fuck me You cast me aside and away You tell me to leave you to come and receive you I’m told to believe that you love me okay You sound so clichéd Our love is the greatest, the strongest, the latest the longest, delicious, supreme and ambitious tremendous, progressive, extreme and impressive oppressive capricious fictitious and dead I need you I love you I feed you I heed you I frequently shove you away I hate you and wait with you go out and date with you mate with you Why won’t I leave you just leave you alone I stay with my own yes for reasons unknown You need your alone-time and I need my moan-time I need to have time to climb out of the drain But why do you ask me to come to you, help you then task me quite simply to fuck off again? I’m weary I’m weary it’s dreary to love you I love you despite all the strain and the pain despite all the strain and the pain I do love you I love you although I complain No pain is no pain and no gain Our love is alive with the tremor of being I’m constantly fleeing and growing and seeing the changes in us that are showing It’s knowing just when I should stay with you when I should go these little things I need to know Our love is not dead it is flowing and fighting it’s kicking and biting dividing, uniting each day is exciting to know that I’m with you and that is igniting our passionate hatred and love our passionate hatred and love Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted December 6, 2006 Report Share Posted December 6, 2006 I found myself reading this out loud - it's really good. up or down, passion is filling with feeling. I think you really captured something here. Darned good read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mynx Posted December 6, 2006 Report Share Posted December 6, 2006 Wow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted December 28, 2006 Report Share Posted December 28, 2006 Very good poem, Isa. :-) The lines had a real rhythmic momentum to them that drove across the conflicting emotions of the piece. I thought that the first four stanzas of the poem did this particularly well, and also liked how the last two stanzas seemed to unwind into shorter lines as they wrapped the piece to a close. I really liked the way that conflicting emotions were placed side by side, often in the same rhythmic line, as it really showed the struggle that the narrator faces. Two of my personal favorite parts of this poem were the way that the third stanza is followed by the more succinctly negative fourth, and the parallel of dividing and uniting in the last stanza. In terms of possible ways to improve this piece, the fifth and sixth stanzas struck me as the weaker links of the poem. They didn't feel as strong rhythmically, and at times the phrasing felt a bit forced to me (the use of "moan-time," in particular, didn't feel like it belonged with the vocabulary of the rest of the piece). I think the reason these stanzas didn't strike me like the others is because of their uses of repetition... The repetition in the first few stanza's is very well done, but I somehow didn't feel that the sixth stanza's uses of repetition ("I'm weary I'm weary," "to love you/I love you," "despite all the strain and the pain/despite all the strain and the pain I love you," "No pain is no pain") added as much to the piece. Anyway, this is a wonderfully structured and well-arranged poem Isa. I enjoyed reading it, thank you for sharing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iroti Posted January 8, 2007 Report Share Posted January 8, 2007 It's pretty fluid, and rhymes quite well. I really dislike the beginning though...which knocks it off balance since I think the beginning and end should summarize (and yes it does, but...) powerfully the poem's theme or message. "I hate you I hate you...etc." sounds like a child having a tantrum. As if one of those angsty teen poems about cutting and depression because they aren't understood or were cheated on is going to come about...but it just seems like that because the rest of the poem is pretty steady and very cool in its progression. Some of the rhymes could be cut off because they seem a little more juvenile or silly compared to some of the many greats ones in here like, " I hate you and wait with you go out and date with you mate with you" Mate with you? Yes, were animals, but being how deep this poem is, that kind of sounds funny. As does the date part, which doesn't need to be pointed out because its obvious from what is said...and copulation was already spoken about. It's like you are repeating yourself just in different rhyme; some times less is more. I think it could be cut out. Other than that, I think it's a neat poem that depicts your emotion perfectly. It sounds like it could be a song! You are very well-versed. Great piece. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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