"Ire" by Degorram

[Wyvern]

This is a nice story so far, Degorram. :-) I really like the character of Ire, as her fears, feelings, and enthusiasm feel like those of a real teenager and are easy to sympathize with in the high fantasy setting of the piece. I also like some of the more fantastical characters you've depicted, particularly Greed with his unwaning encouragement and sensitivity (his name's ill-befitting, in that sense!). The scene of the fairy forest at night was nicely detailed, and was made even better through the way its appearence defied Ire's expectations. The lightning magic concept is also intriguing, and I look forward to seeing what you do with it over the course of the story... the dream that you start off with already hints at some things. My favorite part of the story so far is probably the scene where Ire must face the council of Elders to see if she's achieved "elemental" status, and the building anxiety that comes along with the experience.

 

In terms of potential improvements thus far: I think there are moments where the point of view moves from Ire's perspective to that of an omniscent narrator, which results in general telling that isn't as interesting to read. I would recommend carefully sticking to Ire's perspective throughout the story rather than moving back and forth, as interjections like "Perhaps something should be explained to the reader here" or "The gryphon boy, called Greed, sat back..." could be more effective if they were shown to the reader through Ire rather than being explained directly. Another possible thing to improve would be to strengthen the central conflict of the piece, as we only really hear of the feudal lord in passing through the dialogue, which makes him lack a sense of urgency or importance. Perhaps if we saw some of the effects of the feudal lord's rule rather than just hearing of them, the conflict would be strengthened. For example, the Elders mention that many of the youth of the village are dying under the reign of the feudal lord, so maybe Ire and the others could see some sights of this on the streets? Or maybe the town has grown ugly and decrepit under his rule? Some descriptive details of the impact that the feudal lord has had might make the conflict feel more urgent and exciting. I think this is particularly important, since you've begun moving into a series of smaller conflicts and don't want to lose the bigger picture of the story.

 

Anyway, very nice stuff Degorram. :-) I look forward to reading the continuation. Thanks for sharing this!

[Degorram]

Thanks for the advice and encouragement, Wyvern. I don't really understand what you mean by changing perspectives, as I don't realize that I am doing it. I'll try harder.....if I can figure out what I'm doing.

 

Dego

[Quincunx]

Check the sticky "Show, don't tell" thread in this forum for the post on manipulating third-person perspective. I cannot open Ire itself right now--my connection is timing out half-way down long threads--but if I can later, I'll do an example rewriting. I do remember what Wyvern's talking about, as bland stretches laid in between the descriptive gems, but I hadn't paid enough attention to realize what was causing the unfocused quality. I'll add more, again, once I can get the thread to fully open.

 

[EDIT: Finally! Long threads are loading fully.

 

It was worth the waiting, also. In the second post of 11/26/06, the "Perhaps something should be explained to the reader here. . ." direct address to the reader--that works quite well. You can't use it very often, for fear of cheapening the effect, but that is not what we meant earlier. In fact, yesterday's sequence (11/26/06) doesn't have the problem at all. Hmm.

 

Backtracking to 11/16/06, there's a short paragraph which illustrates what we meant. I'll paste it here, broken up by sentences.

 

"What was that?" Ire asked, awed.

 

It's conversation, and doesn't need to be more elaborate. Leave that alone.

 

She knew magic when she saw it, and she had only seen it once as a girl.

 

This sentence tells the reader instead of showing, and might be reworded to close the narrative distance a bit, but it doesn't break the paragraph as it is.

 

"This, although she'd only seen it once before, was familiar." Show us her level of familiarity before telling the reader that it's not what the reader should expect.

"This looked just like the show she'd seen as a girl." Still purely telling the reader, but pulls the reader a little closer to Ire's viewpoint with the simile.

 

A young man had eaten fire in the market place, traveling with a small circus of jugglers and body-weavers.

 

Descriptive and mysterious (a body-weaver?), a good sentence. The review sentence tells what your sentence shows about the performance.

 

Even though it had been long ago, she remembered vividly the magic and how it had entranced her.

 

Telling, pure telling, and it repeats the same information which you give, in a better form, in the next sentence! It should be cut.

 

Her only copper piece had gone to that man.

 

This shows how important the magic show was to her, and explains why she remembered and identified magic later. Keep it!

 

If you feel a need to elaborate upon what she saw (and she can show us through a memory), focus on the magical quality of the fire-eater. Fire-eating is a mundane trick in the readers' world, and I had to re-read the list of performers to realize which one got her sole coin. Am I wrong?]

Edited November 27, 2006 by Quincunx

[Degorram]

Wow: it's too much for my brain to handle! I'm sorry Quincunx, I really appreciate your help, but I couldn't really understand what you were trying to say in "Show, don't tell." I'll try again when my brain isn't so mashed.

 

Until then, I'll try my best with the story. I wish I knew what you all were talking about!

 

Dego