Guest Phoenix Posted November 25, 2006 Report Share Posted November 25, 2006 (edited) A musing on the futility of passion. I trace my heartstrings down my lovers back and come up empty. A space warm with his breath opens in my bed, covered in comfortless blankets. A hope kindles in my heart is smothered by sanity, cynicism. the reality of life. A reflection see myself in all of this padding, no true bearing on the reason I cry. Edited December 4, 2006 by Phoenix Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted December 4, 2006 Report Share Posted December 4, 2006 I like this poem, Pheonix. :-) The wording of a number of the lines was well done, with the lines about the padding of the bed and the heartstrings standing out to me in particular. The thematic elements of this poem are also intriguing. I like how the emptiness and struggle of the relationship isn't attributed to any specfic events or forces other than the "reality of life." You paint an open and intricate picture of the struggle to connect without losing the personal emotion. I think that the loose grammar and lack of punctuation works well in this piece for the most part, but the transition from "kindles" to "smothered" in the third stanza still felt awkward to me. You might consider changing "kindles" to "kindling" to smooth out this segment, or it could be as simple as dropping the "is" from the beginning of the third line. Then again, "smothered" would be modifying "hope" if either of those changes were made rather than "heart," which may not be what you intended. Also, I wasn't sure why the lines of the first and final stanzas began with capital letters while the others followed a normal uncapitalized format, and you might want to make the stanzas more consistant in this respect (or elaborate upon the different uses of capitals if they're interentional). Anyway, this is nice stuff Pheonix. :-) Thanks for sharing this poem here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Phoenix Posted December 4, 2006 Report Share Posted December 4, 2006 thank Wyvern the capitals thing comes from writing it in word & copy-pasting. have to check that more carefully. the last two stanzas have been giving me the most trouble. i spent most of my time on the last one (its changed a lot) but i agree the third feels awkward now i'm torn between: A hope kindles my heart is smothered by sanity, cynicism. the reality of life and A hope kindling in my heart is smothered by sanity, cynicism. the reality of life i'm leaning towards the first, but i'm going to stew on it for a while, i think not concentrating too well right now thanks for your comments xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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