Cheyenne Posted November 20, 2006 Report Posted November 20, 2006 (edited) *please tell me what you think...everyone!!* Thoughts in transition finding a void to roam steering thru the darkness blindly looking for a home Meth sent them a packin' brainwaves all but broken yet life continues to glide by as I sit here slowly tokin' Stress and worry burn away a grey haze floats thru the air poisonous fumes sucked deep within seeking the lonely to ensnare blackened lungs energize the body transforming a girl to a hoe trading flesh for white rock heaven presenting Hell a brand new soul dreams died that very moment glass dick entered lips of red giving evil this last victory as maggots feed upon her head. Edited November 20, 2006 by Cheyenne
Peredhil Posted November 20, 2006 Report Posted November 20, 2006 What a perversely dark image of the dangers of Meth. I think you've really captured something here. I would like to see this with more punctuation than the period at the end. You have a knack of painting emotional images with your words - raw and jagged to read. Good Stuff Chey'.
Cheyenne Posted November 20, 2006 Author Report Posted November 20, 2006 I was really playing with this one for a long time. The ending still is not "right" I amnot happy with it... You see no soul can this way be stolen Until maggots feed upon the dead. Those were originally the last 2 lines which I really like I just couldn't make it "read". Work in progress. Love the feedback. Thank you BP!
Wyvern Posted November 22, 2006 Report Posted November 22, 2006 Good poem. I like how the temptation of the Meth isn't overlooked in the bleakness of the scenario, as the "energize the body" and "white rock heaven" segments seem to have positive connotations despite the dark imagery of darkening lungs and replacing flesh. I like the phrasing of a number of lines, particularly the afformentioned dichotomies and the image of the Meth tube as a "glass dick." The casual phrasing of the fifth line strikes me as a little awkward, mainly because it's followed by the scientific-sounding "brainwaves." The tone of the fifth line does seem to fit better when you bring it back in the eighth line, so perhaps it's a matter of finding a word to replace "brainwaves" instead...
Ozymandias Posted February 5, 2008 Report Posted February 5, 2008 It sounds like a goodbye- or an epitaph. Well said.
Parmenion Posted February 6, 2008 Report Posted February 6, 2008 First and foremost - in relation to the poem itself, it is well written. Could use some more punctuation as mentioned earlier but all in all it didn't make a huge difference to how easily I was able to read it. In relation to the subject matter - sorry but you are painting a picture of drugs being something evil and the protagonist being an evil person for using them. That is the kind of ideaology a government wants you to believe in. Ultimately however, the picture painted in my personal opinion is overly concerned with 2 concepts that don't actually exist. Religion and good versus evil. Man made concepts in my opinion should not be used as a basis for the objectivity you try to purport in the latter part of your poem. otehrwise - I enjoyed it.
Cheyenne Posted March 24, 2008 Author Report Posted March 24, 2008 You may feel that it was written from society's standpoint, however, it was written from my own standpoint while being tweaked out of my mind, contemplating the lengths to which I would go for my next fix. It was a dark, sad time of my life. I am grateful to be done with my mind and family intact. On the upside, I just received word that this poem is to be published.
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