Quincunx Posted November 14, 2006 Report Posted November 14, 2006 Short Humor If this humorous lament has so much popular appeal, you ought to submit it to Reader's Digest or a similar magazine! I'll use the high-intensity level five nitpicks, the kind I'd apply to my own work, since it needs to be as polished as it can be for publication. This piece has to be condensed a wee bit to remove the hallmarks of a debate-class position paper ("lastly" leapt out at me and screamed "School Assignment!", and there might be others) and/or to fit a 500-word limit since you're at 564 words right now. If you don't do anything else to alter it before submitting it to a publisher, aim for the word count--they'll have editors there also, if need be--but chopping out words without an eye to the overall piece would be silly. In paragraph one, "experience opportunity" is awkward, delete one or the other (563 words). You refer to other toilets in ". . .this one was not flushing. Some have little buttons, but. . ." while still speaking of your singular experience; it could condense to "this one was not flushing, and it had no little button to press" (562 words). The transition between the sentences ". . .no, not this one. Self flushing toilets are taking over. . .", is a trifle too abrupt. You could insert the phrase 'like this one' after "Self flushing toilets" to join the ideas (565 words). Combine the last two sentences with a semicolon and omit "really", another hallmark of a school assignment (564 words). Another editor may meddle with "to be open" and "face-to-toilet-seat" in the first line of the paragraph, but I will not. In paragraph two, the first sentence's dual subjects and verbs, ". . .laziness and forgetfulness is being both taught and encouraged", is a very awkward structure. Lop out at least one word; I must omit 'and forgetfulness' since its verb form appears in the next two sentences (562 words). ". . .Plus, they don't have lids, so they forget that. . ." is a problem since the repetitions of "they" refer to different subjects; to cut words and remove confusion, I would rephrase it to "They are also forgetting that. . ." (558 words). "Any innocent kitty" may not work with people who don't know your avatar, check it with a proofreader. A "present" brings to mind an object (a floater?) that you're leading into, but not the possibility of going swimming which you just mentioned; try the abstract "surprise" instead. Another editor might meddle with the difference between 'not all toilets flush themselves' and 'not all toilets require no thought' as the focus of the the final line, but I will not. In paragraph three, there's a typo in "The toilet paper is public bathrooms. . ." This paragraph wanders, beginning with that phrase and ending with ". . .in a parking lot": paper as an ineffective solution, kicking the handle as an effective solution, the witty but irrelevant state of the sole of one's shoe. This would be a more cohesive paragraph if it presented only positive steps to reducing germ exposure: paper as an effective solution, kicking the handle as an effective solution, perhaps another solution (using your hand inside a coat sleeve? travel-size hand sanitizer?), and the intact final sentences of the paragraph with hand-washing as the best solution. Leaving out the optional third solution would reduce your word count, if still necessary. In paragraph four, "lastly", as the sign of a school assignment, needs to be cut (557 words). The sentence and fragment ". . .grab it. (Which is where. . ." should be joined and punctuated ". . .grab it (which is where the whole hand washing idea is brilliant)." "But" makes the next sentence into a fragment (also beware of this during the reworking of paragraph three), and should be replaced with "however" or a similar word. "Then" makes the next sentence look like a fragment--I cannot decide whether it truly is or not--and could be replaced with "Oops," or omitted; with your style, I'd suggest the interjection. In the last sentence, make sure to focus your ire back on the proper type of toilet, and add "Self flushing" to the beginning (559 words). Another editor might want all of the adjectives in the final sentence to recap the themes of the piece (forgetfulness is. . .forgotten), but I will not. In paragraph five, "Then when your bracelet or watch decides to go swimming you won't. . ." is missing commas after "Then" and "swimming". You reintroduce the first paragraph's argument against self flushing toilets here after this paragraph's perfect first sentence starts to wrap up the piece; perhaps move that sentence out of the way for awhile, then insert it again once the conclusion properly begins, and write a new opening sentence that complains about the time delay. The first sentence can't be reinserted directly before the final one; there would need to be an intervening sentence recapping your dismay at the new dangers of self flushing toilets, or nostalgia for the reliable old toilets--something to bring you back to the reader's mind. This is a grade A piece as it stands. Not only do I still love its original form even after worrying at it for an hour or two, your voice came through so clearly that I found nothing that could make this more "yours". That's strong writing.
Curious Mylo Posted November 15, 2006 Report Posted November 15, 2006 O_O Wow. Thats about all I can get out at the moment. Wow. I really like what you suggested and I'll definately go through it and work on it when I have time and a brain that's functioning at the same time. I'll put it back up so you can see it. Thankyou for all the time you put into helping me on this.
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