sea vegetable Posted November 9, 2006 Report Posted November 9, 2006 (edited) RIFT Days passed with the sweet promise of forever And I sheltered in your limbs Underneath the cover of a black rainbow There, a dark future foreboding While we were cultivating time Through old storms I steered us Without a map Sextant fixed on our new heavenly planet But wind blew my intentions Into clouds you could not grasp And your judgment like lightning Raining down on our smoldering garden Hard months of toil Scorched in one day I left alone, my plow in splinters Looking from your guilty tower Rifts were created Where fertile soil once lay But the faults only formed On the cover of your closed eyes Edited November 9, 2006 by sea vegetable
Cerulean Posted November 10, 2006 Report Posted November 10, 2006 Hi there sv, I usually avoid any CAPS LOCK posts, grind my teeth and craft a voodoo doll. How lucky for me I didn't skip this one. I think you have nailed some wonderful lines here: '..wind blew my intentions/ into clouds you could not grasp.' and 'cultivating time' being fine examples. I think the metaphor's a tad overdone in places, but I really enjoyed it nevertheless. I hope you dip a toe more often, your writing's lovely. *hugs* C.
sea vegetable Posted November 22, 2006 Author Report Posted November 22, 2006 Wow, thanks Cerulean. I dont post that much because it doesnt seem to get much feedback when i do, and that being the point here for me. I would try not to post in CAPS, but its easier to find when i scroll thru the room! Appreciate the comments, really. Metaphor may b overdone, its just the region of this work is an escape from the reality that insipred it. Therefore metaphors. Stil, point taken, ill b aware not to write as many lines in metaphor like sand grains on the beach, lol. SV Hi there sv, I usually avoid any CAPS LOCK posts, grind my teeth and craft a voodoo doll. How lucky for me I didn't skip this one. I think you have nailed some wonderful lines here: '..wind blew my intentions/ into clouds you could not grasp.' and 'cultivating time' being fine examples. I think the metaphor's a tad overdone in places, but I really enjoyed it nevertheless. I hope you dip a toe more often, your writing's lovely. *hugs* C.
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