Guest Phoenix Posted November 8, 2006 Report Share Posted November 8, 2006 there are no edges to my world today morning blends to afternoon back sinks in sheet-soaked bed clouds flee cross my patch of sky a flutter of lids hours follow or minutes time blends backwards everything an equidistant unreachable distance from everything else sensations flutter at the edges of days floor swims boatlike as i stand stagger grope my way rolling sea-legged double and retch gnawing my insides then sink back sweat soaked and let the edges blend find my sky-patch meld with the sky the clouds soar up up and away Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Phoenix Posted November 8, 2006 Report Share Posted November 8, 2006 wrote this a while ago... apologies for the depressing tone of prety much everything i'm writing at the moment, but RL is a bitch. finally getting a chance to collapse in a heap (& be surrounded by family) soon, so hopefully the tone will be changing. i can see the edges now, anyway prepare for a braindump sometime soonish xx Nix Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted November 9, 2006 Report Share Posted November 9, 2006 Good poem, Pheonix. :-) I really like the wording of it, particularly in your uses of "edges" and in the image of everything being equidistant and unreachable. The sea ship styled images definitely gave off a sense of queasiness and unease, and the sky imagery seemed to relay a longing to escape. I felt that there were a few lines where nothing new was conveyed, such as "from everything else" in the fourth stanza, and these lines could be dropped if you wanted to give the poem a bit of refinement. For the most part, I thought it was good. :-) Thanks for sharing this here, Pheonix, and sorry to hear that RL hasn't been treating you nicely. :-( Here's hoping that the rest and the presence of family will be just what you need to level the unsteady lifeboat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Phoenix Posted November 10, 2006 Report Share Posted November 10, 2006 *small smile* thanks Wyvern. *hugs* i'm immured in packing at the moment, but i'll have a play with it when i get to the US next week. it does need refinement, but if i left posting till i was completely happy with things, nothing would ever get posted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerulean Posted November 10, 2006 Report Share Posted November 10, 2006 Hi Phoenix, I love the idea behind this and the way you've sketched in the details. I've everything and nothing left to say, your talent bowls me over. C. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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