Curious Mylo Posted October 17, 2006 Report Posted October 17, 2006 Stalker It stared through my window And watched as I worked I glanced out to see that It quietly lurked I turned away from it In hopes it would leave But two hours later It tried to deceive I walked to my neighbors And I tried to hide But I couldn't escape Its eyes open wide At home I found it had waited all night The sun was my rescue It ran 'till tonight. I'm have a lot of trouble with the last part mostly, but some other parts in there are more awkward than I'd like. Any suggestions would be MUCH appreciated.
Cerulean Posted October 17, 2006 Report Posted October 17, 2006 Hi Curious, I enjoyed reading this, you've obviously put a great deal of thought into the structure of the piece, which is nice to see. If I had to pick a line that worked less well for me than the others, it would be: "It tried to deceive" since this feels more rhyme driven and doesn't fit as snugly into the poem as other lines. Overall, I liked the anonymous threat that the poem conveyed, with its sense of persistence and menace. Thanks for sharing this, I look forward to seeing where you take it as you revise. C.
Savage Dragon Posted October 17, 2006 Report Posted October 17, 2006 i dont know why, but when i read this poem it felt like the moon or the night itself was stalking the speaker.... then again, i'm pretty wierd great poem
Ayshela Posted October 19, 2006 Report Posted October 19, 2006 Savage - you got it, exactly. Having heard Mylo ranting about the English teacher who completely misread it, it was intended to convey being stalked by the moon through a sleepless night. Mylo - I agree about the line "It tried to deceive" as being the most awkward point here. Since you've already used "leave" I don't have a suggestion offhand which wouldn't require rewriting the whole verse. Maybe something like I turned away from it to gain a reprieve But two hours later it still wouldn't leave or something of the sort? You might have to tweak both lines to smooth it out, however you go about it.
Savage Dragon Posted October 19, 2006 Report Posted October 19, 2006 Sweet now i like the poem even more i love the moon and i like being right
Curious Mylo Posted October 20, 2006 Author Report Posted October 20, 2006 Thankyou soooo much! Stalker It stared through my window And watched as I worked I glanced out to see that It quietly lurked I turned away from it And couldn't believe That two hours later It still wouldn't leave I walked to my neighbors And I tried to hide But I couldn't escape Its eyes open wide At home I found it had waited all night The sun was my rescue It ran 'till tonight.
Cerulean Posted October 20, 2006 Report Posted October 20, 2006 Hey CM I think the revision works really well, that verse is much more fluid now. *wild applause* C.
Curious Mylo Posted October 20, 2006 Author Report Posted October 20, 2006 Hey CM I think the revision works really well, that verse is much more fluid now. *wild applause* C. Thankyou!!! *bows*
Ayshela Posted October 20, 2006 Report Posted October 20, 2006 Nice. And I think that revision addresses any problem you'd had with the end as well. =)
Curious Mylo Posted October 21, 2006 Author Report Posted October 21, 2006 Nice. And I think that revision addresses any problem you'd had with the end as well. =) Actually I hadn't even thought of those lines. But I like them a lot better now. What was bugging me was the ending. I don't really like it but I can't think of how to fix it. That was the best I could get it. Especially the lines "At home I found it had waited all night" Any suggestions?
Ayshela Posted October 21, 2006 Report Posted October 21, 2006 ah, I see what you mean. no idea now, but have to think about it.
Ayshela Posted October 21, 2006 Report Posted October 21, 2006 How about something like... So I went back home through the first bit of light The sun was my rescue It ran 'til tonight *still thinking*
Curious Mylo Posted October 24, 2006 Author Report Posted October 24, 2006 Stalker It stared through my window And watched as I worked I glanced out to see that It quietly lurked I turned away from it And couldn't believe That two hours later It still wouldn't leave I walked to my neighbors And I tried to hide But I couldn't escape It's eyes open wide I went home to find that It waited all night The sun was my rescue It ran 'till tonight.
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