Ozymandias Posted October 15, 2006 Report Posted October 15, 2006 The sky was a perfect gray the clouds looked just like a giant cotton ball blanket Wish you'd been there The air was just the right kind of cool enough to soothe the skin without making one shiver Wish you'd felt it The time and the weather made for that eye catching sort of dark that only happens when all of the sky blue is covered up in velvet tufts and dusk has just begun grays looked grayer whites and greens and browns were deeper more meaningful lights were especially so It was the perfect time to sing marching songs while walking down the road to smile and wave and laugh at people who drove by imagining what they were thinking about the two crazy people Walking down the road It was the perfect time the perfect place for the two of us but it was only me
Wyvern Posted October 16, 2006 Report Posted October 16, 2006 Nice poem, Ozymandias. :-) It's definitely a piece that I sympathize with. I like how you build up the natural descriptions with greater and greater detail, only to relay the let-down of the poem by singling out the last line. The emphasis on the beauty of nature and the way that it makes you feel reminds me of some of Tanuchan's poetry in a good way. The hypothetical marching song experience also enhances the mood of the piece, and makes the let-down somewhat harder to take. Nicely done, once again. :-) Thanks for sharing this poem here.
Mira Posted October 16, 2006 Report Posted October 16, 2006 Simple and elegant, I wonder why you don't post poems more often, for they are always beautiful.
Cerulean Posted October 20, 2006 Report Posted October 20, 2006 Hey Ozy, I think you captured exactly that emptiness you feel when there's noone to share the experience with. I wonder though if you needed the last line to be so explicit? To me the longing, the loss resounded through the other lines. Not sure what to suggest instead, just something lighter? Thanks muchly for sharing this, really enjoyed it - post more please! *huggles* C.
Ozymandias Posted November 3, 2006 Author Report Posted November 3, 2006 CERRY!!!!! *glomp* Thankee, one and all. Wyv - marching was actually exactly what I was doing while experiencing that. Well, walking down the highway, but otherwise, yah. Cer- Don't know why I have that closing line, exactly. I looked at the end again, after relaizing what you'd worte, and saw that the second to last line could be a closing line as well, but something just makes the line that's already there work better to me. *shrug* Mira- Be careful what you wish for.... ;>)
reverie Posted November 4, 2006 Report Posted November 4, 2006 good material. look forward to the rewrite. you should do one, it's worth polishing... ya know tighten up some of the punctuation and grammer across the stanza beaks, strenghten a few verbs here and there, maybe nail down a few of the looser images, that sort thing. rev...
Cerulean Posted November 4, 2006 Report Posted November 4, 2006 Hey back to you Ozmeister! - Boy do I feel old, I had to Google 'glomp'. And I agree, some lines just feel right to you as you've written them, you like them and you leave them. I'm all for the poem shouting its own preference! Waiting for more still , huggles, C.
Ayshela Posted November 7, 2006 Report Posted November 7, 2006 I love the vivid description. You make it nearly possible to see and feel the scenery, to see the perplexed and startled looks and hear faint cadences. Actually, I thought the sense of "let down" at the end was perfectly appropriate given the content. What more appropriate sense for something which would have been perfect shared with another - who isn't there?
Ozymandias Posted November 7, 2006 Author Report Posted November 7, 2006 Realized the punctuation marks were fairly extraneous, so I took 'em out. The italicizing on the first "just" seemed silly now that it's not 4 AM, so I took that out. "sky's" felt off-kilter, so I changed to sky; did the same with "velvety" to "velvet". They still convey the same ideas a bit smoothly...don't they? Changed "as dusk has just begun" to "and dusk has just begun" because it felt like a better flow with the rest of the wording as well as giving more of an impression that all of the lines about the sky were simultaneously occuring. "-lights were, especially" just looked wrong, and so became the more complete sounding "lights were especially so". "as we imagined what they were thinking" became "imagining what they were thinking" because ten syllables just seemed too many, and even though the new version is still nine, it at least *feels* two or three shorter. And it's all about perception, isn't it? ;>) "but it was only me", may or may not drive me insane - I've not had long enough to find out. I like it quite a lot, and still feels like an appropriate closer. I'm not sure if that's true only because that's where the thoughts that led to this poem abruptly ended and trailed off into inarticulate longing/ wistful contentment, or if there's more to it, but does that really matter? \:>\ It keeps seeming right and as though it could be replaced with something that so far escapes at the same time.
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