Mardrax Posted October 8, 2006 Report Share Posted October 8, 2006 Don't Don't come any closer No need for you here Won't share myself Though I like you near Where you are you are fine One step further would cross the line One more word One more thought One more hug One more touch Would be More than I can afford to spare As long as I have got myself I'll heal in time ------------------------- In Hold on to myself Hold on to my thoughts Hold on to my pain and the trouble it's wrought Hold on to my solitude Hold on to my distance Hold on to my mind and Hold on to my wishes Hold on to my dreams Hold tight my desires if I know what I mean ------------------------- Out I'll keep away: Away from your problems. Away from your pains. Away from you, though you stand only to gain Can I handle that? Can I separate? Can I now change how my mind operates? Hoping I can, for both our sakes. For I've never seen, much higher stakes. Friendship everlasting? Hoping so, but do we have what that takes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted October 15, 2006 Report Share Posted October 15, 2006 Nice poem, Mardrax. :-) I like the way that you split it into three pieces for the different stages of emotions, and think that your excellent title reflects them well. The underlying prayer that the friendship will last is very strong, and is definitely something that resonates in my own life. My personal favorite segment out of the three in this is probably "Don't," as I really like the way you phrase the narrator's self-confinement. In terms of possible things to improve: the tone of the second piece seemed a bit wobbily, mainly due to the "and" and the "if you know what I mean" lines. You might consider dropping or rephrasing those lines to strengthen the overall mood of the piece. Also, the line "though you stand only to gain" in the third piece confused me a bit. "Standing only to gain" strikes me as a sort of negative trait, but the "though" suggests that it's positive... perhaps you could expand upon that detail a bit? Nice stuff. I hope that the friendship you speak of does end up lasting forever, relationships can be such tricky things to maintain. And a Happy Birthday to you, by the way. :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mardrax Posted October 15, 2006 Author Report Share Posted October 15, 2006 "though you stand only to gain"... Doesn't everyone only stand to gain from having a good friendship with one another, as opposed to pushing them away mentally? I don't see any reason why there should be any negativity in the turn of phrase itself, though I can also see why you associate it with negativity. After all, one who only stands to gain is generally in a bad situation that can only improve. Take that line, turn it around, and call it a "win/win situation" and it's usually associated with positivity. In essence though, they're practically one and the same. Hence, I turn standing to gain positive, because after al, if you only stand to gain, there are no negatives involved, other than perhaps the initial situation. I've always learned however, that the outcome matters most in the end. The "and" caesura... I felt it was necessary to designate the difference between the part before and after it, even if you could leave the full stop "and" out and consider the "before" and "after" logical followings upon eachother. About your other tone issue, I would first advise you to read more carefully and let go of assumptions of what's to come, and then reconsider the issue. It's a... final thought to the second piece. And Thanks. For the "happy birthday" and for your comments to my work. I take joy in both :-) The birthday... blah. Though it didn't turn out as "happy" as I'd thought it would be, I had a good time nonetheless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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