Things I Have Learned

[Ozymandias]

• Trying not to miss any of a TV show playing on a television one floor away from the spaghetti you are trying to prepare properly is great exercise.
• If you are not a trained cook, chances are your guesses at cooking times will be wrong.
• Keeping lists is a terrific memory aid- yes, even if it's just of things you want to write down.

[Ozymandias]

• Men, always run after her.
• Always accept a free drink, unless the provider is trying not to laugh at the same time.
• Leave. Your. House.
• Never put "it" off until tomorrow unless you have to.
• Never punish yourself for putting "it" off when you have to.
• Mime.

[Patrick]

• Always accept a free drink, unless the provider is trying not to laugh at the same time.

Except if said drink would be the one to push you over the limit...

[Ozymandias]

• If you're starting to crack, do something different.
• Watching Iron Chef will make Chicken McNuggets taste less appetizing.
• Only defend with violence if you must.
• Make the phone call.
• Remember that the mark of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.
• Insanity is not fun; you need your mind. Others do too.
• Longhair is not for everyone.
• Make sure what you're about to wipe off really is dirt.
• Stephen King movies make for poor lighting.

[reverie]

Phone call to Navy Recruiter:

 

"Hello, I'm interested in becoming a Navy Chaplain."

 

Tone of Recruiter -- Cordial, maybe a bit bored.

 

"Oh, and did I mention there is only one other Chaplain in the entire Navy Chaplain Corp that prescribes to my particular faith."

 

Tone of Recruiter -- OMG! Alert! Alert! This is not a drill, this is not a drill, we have a live one, here!

Edited December 8, 2008 by reverie

[Ozymandias]

• Trust most the friends who will make absolutely sure you get to bed when you're drunk.
• Karaoke is a wonderful way to tell when you've had enough/too much to drink.
• If she has a better zombie movie collection than you, yes, that's a good sign.

[DoctorEvil]

* Do something each day that scares someone

 

* Keep monologing to a minimum

 

* Being paranoid is a good thing

 

* Occassionaly smell yourself to make sure you don't smell bad

 

* Beware of Wild Cows

[Ozymandias]

• If music isn't soothing you, you're listening to the wrong music.
• All-nighters are okay on an OCCASIONAL basis.
• Never accept that it's "just a kid's book" or "just a kid's game".
• If you want to learn it, learn it.
• Make copies.
• Learn how to grow your own vegetables.

[Ozymandias]

• Don't leave beer in the freezer overnight.
• If you can tell it's a once in a lifetime chance, take it.
• Cracking your back/neck is NOT okay- you risk slipping a disc in your spine.
• Cracking your toes, fingers, wrists, etc., on the other hand, is fine.
• If your 'better' judgement has less logic than your 'impulsiveness', don't listen to it.
• Work before play.

[Preprise]

Read this book.

Aplly it's advice diligently.

[Gryphon]

• Life has a way of chewing up all available time and then some.
• On those rare occations when I think I've got a pretty good handle on what's going on - I don't.
• If you're a guy there is more involved in having a wedding than just showing up and trying not to look too untidy.
• Even if you utterly know she's going to show up - you still get nervous that she wont.

[Ozymandias]

• Do not inhale ground cinnamon, or put it in your eyes.
• Do not drink Carnation Instant Breakfast without adding liquid to it first.
• Always read gift certificates thoroughly and completely.

[Mynx]

Our worst fears lie in anticipation

[Justin Silverblade]

This was a great thread to wake up to.

[Guest MoonieTunes]

- That most people live with one thought and that's how to screw you over

 

- Everyone finds a friend when he doesn't hope he'll find one

 

- That there're plenty of kids nerdraging over net while IRL most of them're weaklings

 

- There's always hope

[Quincunx]

Precision and symbolism do not make a perfect, or common, substitute for concatenation.

It is possible to choose, when communication with all is going to be impossible, whether to communicate with one reader precisely or for one hundred to get the gist of what you're trying to say.

Among the things other people can't perceive is how much you had to leave out to make yourself understood. (This is related to how readers can enjoy a work which the author is convinced is utter crap.)

 

 

It might not be just you, but it might not be everyone either.

 

And a few picked up recently by the best method--watching other people's mistakes:

 

If you're going to take a stand against the current truth, do it in a field without absolute truth, not one which has them, e.g. mathematics.

". . .For the moralist has made an unforgivable assumption; namely, that he knows better than his reader; nor does a good intention save him. If the pill is not sufficiently sugared it will not be swallowed. If the moral is terrible enough he will be regarded as inhuman; and if the edge of his parable cuts deeply enough, he will be crucified." --William Golding, "Fable", The Hot Gates

[Peredhil]

Quin'...

...

I cannot convey how much I resonate to some of the things you say. You have a knack of expressing things I find too big to fit into little words.

[Quincunx]

You may be vibrating in tune to your own class notes about communication models from six years ago, so generously shared with us--that was the seed which led to learning.

[Ozymandias]

• Use a surge protector on every computer.
• A little lobster goes a long way.
• When you most don't want to do something is often the perfect time to do it.

[Quincunx]

In the age where information is available at the touch of a keyboard, asking for information from people has become a social ritual instead of a request for information. True information can be found alone.

 

The ability to discard objects/ideas/whatever is a skill, and not one which everyone has.

Likewise creation is a tool, especially the creation of art, and while everyone has the skill, very few seem to understand that it can be a tool.

. . .and they can be quite grateful when it's brought to their attention! Creation and destruction are free, after all.

[AshtonBlades]

*Never forget where you came from

 

*It's never too late to start over

 

*Always look out for number one

[Peredhil]

When you write, write your vision regardless of the market or who might read it. If you must write for another, write with one person in mind, and to them. If you try to please all, you'll end up sterile and pleasing none.

Don't be afraid of conflict in writing. It often drives the story.

If you don't allow your own experiences and emotions to color your writing, you're writing to computers and spell-checkers, not other people.

[DoctorEvil]

Don't be fancy....just get dancy!!!!!

[Ozymandias]

Amen!

[The Portrait of Zool]

I got this in an email once - I love it!

 

Skills every man should have:

 

1. Give advice that matters in one sentence. I got run out of a job I liked once, and while it was happening, a guy stopped me in the hall. Smart guy, but prone to saying too much. I braced myself. I didn't want to hear it. I needed a white knight, and I knew it wasn't him. He just sighed and said: When nobody has your back, you gotta move your back. Then he walked away. Best advice I ever got. One sentence.

 

9. Write a letter.

So easy. So easily forgotten. A five-paragraph structure works pretty well: Tell why you're writing. Offer details. Ask questions. Give news. Add a specific memory or two. If your handwriting is terrible, type. Always close formally.

 

12. Show respect without being a suck-up. Respect the following, in this order: age, experience, record, reputation. Don't mention any of it.

 

17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well.

When I interviewed for my first job, one of the senior guys had me to his house for a reception. He offered me a cigarette and pointed me to a bowl of whiskey sours, like I was Darrin Stephens and he was Larry Tate. I can still remember that first tight little swallow and my gratitude that I could go back for a refill without looking like a drunk. I came to admire the host over the next decade, but he never gave me the recipe. So I use this:

• For every 750-ml bottle of whiskey (use a decent bourbon or rye), add:

• 6 oz fresh-squeezed, strained lemon juice

• 6 oz simple syrup (mix superfine sugar and water in equal quantities)

To serve: Shake 3 oz per person with ice and strain into chilled cocktail glasses. Garnish with a cherry and an orange slice or, if you're really slick, a float of red wine. (Pour about 1/2 oz slowly into each glass over the back of a spoon; this is called a New York sour, and it's great.)

 

19. Approach a woman out of his league.

Ever have a shoeshine from a guy you really admire? He works hard enough that he doesn't have to tell stupid jokes; he doesn't stare at your legs; he knows things you don't, but he doesn't talk about them every minute; he doesn't scrape or apologize for his status or his job or the way he is dressed; he does his job confidently and with a quiet relish. That stuff is wildly inviting. Act like that guy.

 

27. Play gin with an old guy.

Old men will try to crush you. They'll drown you in meaningless chatter, tell stories about when they were kids this or in Korea that. Or they'll retreat into a taciturn posture designed to get you to do the talking. They'll note your strategies without mentioning them, keep the stakes at a level they can control, and change up their pace of play just to get you stumbling. You have to do this -- play their game, be it dominoes or cribbage or chess. They may have been playing for decades. You take a beating as a means of absorbing the lessons they've learned without taking a lesson. But don't be afraid to take them down. They can handle it.

 

28. Play go fish with a kid.

You don't crush kids. You talk their ear off, make an event out of it, tell them stories about when you were a kid this or in Vegas that. You have to play their game, too, even though they may have been playing only for weeks. Observe. Teach them without once offering a lesson. And don't be afraid to win. They can handle it.

 

40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear. Use his first name. Don't use baby talk. Don't crank up your energy to match his. Ask questions and wait for answers. Follow up. Don't pretend to be interested in Webkinz or Power Rangers or whatever. He's as bored with that shit as you are. Concentrate instead on seeing the child as a person of his own.

 

41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear.

You don't own the restaurant, so don't act like it. You own the transaction. So don't speak into the menu. Lift your chin. Make eye contact. All restaurants have secrets -- let it be known that you expect to see some of them.

 

52. Step into a job no one wants to do.

When I was 13, my dad called me into his office at the large urban mall he ran. He was on the phone. What followed was a fairly banal 15-minute conversation, which involved the collection of rent from a store. On and on, droning about store hours and lighting problems. I kept raising my eyebrows, pretending to stand up, and my dad kept waving me down. I could hear only his end, garrulous and unrelenting. He rolled his eyes as the excuses kept coming. His assertions were simple and to the point, like a drumbeat. He wanted the rent. He wanted the store to stay open when the mall was open. Then suddenly, having given the job the time it deserved, he put it to an end. "So if I see your gate down next Sunday afternoon, I'm going to get a drill and stick a goddamn bolt in it and lock you down for the next week, right?" When he hung up, rent collected, he took a deep breath. "I've been dreading that call," he said. "Once a week you gotta try something you never would do if you had the choice. Otherwise, why are you here?" So he gave me that. And this...

 

53. Sometimes, kick some ass.

 

59. Write a thank-you note.

 

Make a habit of it. Follow a simple formula like this one: First line is a thesis statement. The second line is evidentiary. The third is a kind of assertion. Close on an uptick.

 

Thanks for having me over to watch game six. Even though they won, it's clear the Red Sox are a soulless, overmarketed contrivance of Fox TV. Still, I'm awfully happy you have that huge high-def television. Next time, I really will bring beer. Yours,

 

63. Deliver a eulogy. Take the job seriously. It matters. Speak first to the family, then to the outside world. Write it down. Avoid similes. Don't read poetry. Be funny.

Edited June 22, 2011 by The Portrait of Zool