Transfer of a stream of conciousness

[cryptomancer]

Breath deep the watered air of thoughts, and share

The twisted vines of vice that form each loving snare,

Carve the path of processed thought to walk the jungle floor,

Share the sweet aroma of fear, at your daydreams door.

 

Chase the chaos creatures, loosed upon the mind,

Flee the thunder of the stars, as lightning and land collide,

Savour victory, win the chase, just to test your will,

Drink the cup of conquest won, as you skin and blood your kill.

 

Dream the stars of heaven spun, through the woven clouds,

Listen to the breeze wrapped trees, in their dancing shrouds,

Watch the thought veils shimmer, as autumn turns them brown,

Let logic fall and form your bed, to sleep through winter sound.

 

[Disco-neck Ted]

Pretty. Lots of great imagery and word-painting. Also, things happen here, which makes it more appealing to me personally than if it were statically evoking a concept or an emotion.

 

But. I can't, with certainty, decrypt the first line. That's keeping me at a bit of a distance from the piece as a whole. Pretty sure you mean "though" where it is written, especially with "thought" appearing two lines later. However, the misspelling of "lightning" and "wrapped" leaves the door open for "thoughs" being a typo. Treating it as written, "thoughs" seem a lot like "ifs" to me, and therefore powerful, not "watered". This has me puzzling.

 

Lastly, my feeling is that "blood your kill" should be "bleed your kill", unless you are hoping by association to imply that the hunter is "blooded" in this chase.

 

So: strong stuff in general with maybe a bit of proofing and w/c yet to go, in my opinion. Thanks for putting this out to be read.

[cryptomancer]

sorry for the typos, hazzard of working from my office and not using word to spellcheck befor the post is made.

 

*grins*

 

"blood the kill" is a turn of phraze I am used too, rather than bleed.

Blood also tied in better with the concept of drinking a cup of victory.

 

Thanks.