Pamphlet

[Aardvark]

The following is a guide for tourists new to the Spookyberg National Parklands. It is provided free by the Spookyberg Board of Tourism (SBoT) and shall always remain the intellectual property of SBoT. Any reproduction, whole or in part is prohibited without express permission from the SBoT.

 

Welcome to the Spookyberg National Parklands, home of some of the oldest supernatural themed landmarks and monuments on Earth. The Spookyberg Board of Tourism advises that due to the high level of malevolent spiritual activity, there have been a large number of untimely injuries, possessions and deaths in the Spookyberg Parklands. This document was released to advise first-time visitors to the Parklands of simple precautions to follow to prevent death or injury by supernatural means. Please be advised that the Spookyberg Board of Tourism accepts no liability for any harm resulting in visitors not adhering to the following guidelines.

 

Spookyberg Parklands was founded on the site of an ancient indian burial ground by Samarian Demonologists, during a full moon on Friday the 13th of June, in the year 666 BC. Originally purposed as a prime location for incantations of evil and villainy by Antidecons of the Unholy Cult of Satanic Evil, Spookyville was quickly wiped out in the Great Demon Summoning Catastrophe of 665 BC. For thousands of years, the grounds remained uninhabited, with the exception of an evergrowing army of the undead.

 

Because of this unique background, here is a list of do's and don'ts while visiting the Parklands.

 

DO'S

 

1. DO keep your shotgun loaded and on hand at all times.

 

The most common kind of Undead Evil are Animated Corpses. These fall under several subcategories, ranging from the all-too-common skeletons and zombies, to the exotic corpses, such as mummies or revenants. These particular variety of undead do have greatly enhanced endurance, due to a lack of nervous response or, in some case, nerves, so can live through attacks that would fell a living man. On the plus side, they are manifested in a physical form that can be blasted apart with great ease by clouds of leadshot projected by a low-order chemical explosive. Therefore the SBoT recommends keeping a shotgun on hand at all times. For more advanced Undead, a variety of special-purpose ammunition can be obtained at one of the many Gun Rack supply centres, located within the Parklands.

 

2. DO wear silver jewellery crafted in the form of religious and occult symbols

 

Two other common types of monster live in the Spookyberg Parklands, classified as Undead, even though they're more alive in a diseased state than dead and reanimated through supernatural means, are Lycanthropes and Nosferatu. One bursts into flames upon the application of silver, the other immediately upon application of religious icons. As necrologists, priests and emo fiction writers can't seem to agree which applies to which, the SBoT recommends people kill two birds with one stone and bring a silver cross or similar relic.

 

3. DO travel by day, sticking to the clear, paved roads.

 

The undead rarely attack well-lit areas, such as the roads in the park, as during the Parkland's construction, Holymen from a number of churches consecrated the very ground you drive on. This results in the few that do attack end up in flames.

 

4. DO stay in SBoT certified accommodation.

 

All accommodation in the parklands that carries the SBoT Authorisation certificate is guaranteed to have all the latest in evil-undead defence. Each room comes standard equipped with:

A. Silver Wire Meshing Coated In Holy water

B. Ammunition-stocked Barfridge for a range of anti-corpse weaponry, from stakes to shotgun shells.

C. A Bible. You never know when a well-placed verse can get you out of a bind.

 

5. DO Kill your loved one immediately upon possession.

 

If your friend, family member or loved one exhibits any of the following signs:

 

Tight/itchy skin

Enlarged, pupil-less eyes

Crimson face

Burgundy Halo

Vomiting/Nausea

Talking in tongues

Headaches

Toothaches

Backaches

More Nausea

Aversion to priests/holymen

Thirst For Human bodyparts (Blood, bones, brains)

Uncontrollable Hostility

Bassy, Reverberating voice

High fever

Pallid complexion

Sudden wardrobe change

Excessive body hair

No skin

Unusual bodily protrusions (lumps, spikes, pointy-tail, bat wings)

Necromancer yelling at them

Glowing red eyes

Fire-breath

Sulfurous stench.

Violent Atheism

Ectoplasmic Discharge

 

Then they have been possessed by Evil and must be destroyed at once. Yes, they may be your loved ones, a fact that they will keep reminding you, using your loved-one's looks and last-known features, but give them a minute and they will revert into their evil selves. Sometimes they can pretend to be human for years before striking. Please, for the sake of others, leave your undead in the parklands.

 

DO NOT'S

 

1. DO NOT follow siren songs or semi/fully naked people into watery areas

 

Some of the undead in Spookyberg Parklands use the power of your very psyche to lure you to your death. Don't fall for it. When you hear a Siren call, just turn up your radio in response. And for those watery tarts, remind them that you are a good member of your religion and that abstinence is the only way to avoid eternal damnation. In the event your faith-structure of choice does not promote abstinence. If this is the case, we suggest converting to one of the major, sex-adverse religions in your area before visiting the Parklands.

 

2. DO NOT take shortcuts.

 

Although there may seem to be many uncharted trails, these trails have not been inspected by religious artisans. Thusly, they can be, and usually are, teeming with unlife.

 

3. DO NOT look back while being chased down by some kind of invisible force of Evil

 

If Evil is on your tail, just put your head down and run to the nearest well-lit Yellow Zone. These zones are regularly sprayed with water blessed by a whole cadre of Gods, including the Christian God, the Islamic God, the Jewish God, a large majority of the Hindu Gods, the Pagan Gods, as well as several Gods we invented and started worshipping, just to give their holy water power. A complete list of all holy water stocked in the Spookyberg Parklands can be obtained from the Tourist Centre. If your deity of choice is not on this list, inform us. We're always looking for new ways in which to battle Evil.

 

4. DO NOT procreate outside of SBoT Certified Accommodation

 

Whenever a Demonic Attack commences, the unholy spirits and ghouls seek out life in all its forms. Scientists have shown that life calls out to them, glowing in whatever they use for vision like a bonfire. The act of human procreation, the creation of new life, glows the brightest and will attract all manner of Demonic entities from miles around. Most simply wish to consume your flesh, but a few of the more malevolent spirits are looking for host-bodies into this world. A human life formed at the moment of conception is the simplest for any demon to possess.

 

Be Advised: In the event of Unholy Spawn, trained Spookyberg Operatives are authorised to use excessive force to eliminate the host and, in the event of a possessed pregnancy, the host's host.

 

5. DO NOT remove anything from the parklands without the express written permission of the SBoT.

 

Even the ground itself is awash with bad mojo in the Spookyberg Parklands. The simplest, most innocuous of items can contain enough power to start an undead infestation anywhere else on Earth. Therefore, the removal of any and all items from the Parklands is expressly prohibited. Spookyberg Parklands memorabilia can be acquired from the Spookyberg Parklands Giftshop, which can be located near the centre of the Parklands, just beyond Screamer Demon Canyon.

 

The Spookyberg Board of Tourism hopes that you enjoy your stay within the Parklands and choose it as your holiday destination in the future

[Wyvern]

Wyvern bursts into the Assembly Room with a claw full of blood-soaked pamphlets, waving them in the air and sending gangrene flying through the room.

 

"Or if you can't afford Spookyberg National Parklands, why not give the Almost Dragonic Brand Mummified Wasssteland Memorial™ a shot! Ssset in the rotting flower garden that they were gonna use for Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video before switching to a graveyard, this spot'sss got the junk and the funk! Who needsss Ectoplasmic Discharges when you can roll with Ectogasmic Discotheques? WARNING: creaturemorehideousthananythingSpookyberghastoofferlurks,leaveswhitegloves. Memorial prohibited to children under eight year's old when accompanied by parental guardians."

 

;-p

 

OOC: Ghastly good propaganda, Aardvark. ;-) At this rate, you'll end up being the Steve Irwin of comic vignettes, mauled by a zombie in the middle of writing a perfectly good defense of abstinent religions. I don't know whether to thank you, or to start digging your grave right now. I think I'll go with the latter.

[Atrium]

Silus wanders into the Assembly Room, placing the Pamphlet into his copy of Max Brooks' Zombie Survival Guide, probably for use as a bookmark.

 

"That seems to be all I need. I should be able to visit that Spookyberg place now. Does anyone in here know where I could purchase a ticket or two?"

 

OOC: Haha, this is awesome. My type of entertainment, indeed. This sort of thing could make folks want to start Fanfics or something. Brilliant!