Mardrax Posted September 5, 2006 Report Posted September 5, 2006 (edited) It started out small, a few walls apart. The future provided; Sibling love, plenty games, an abrubt end. How was it all? Memories in heart; Living divided, Can't help but think of Pictures in frames. What has it meant? Along came the ball, rolling slowly at start, but it was guided; sped along with a shove. Now we're but names, though this message I send. in semi-instant fulfillment of a request from an old friend renewed it's not much, but it's pleased Edited September 5, 2006 by Mardrax
reverie Posted September 5, 2006 Report Posted September 5, 2006 "through" would work also in the last line. Like in an email/pm/etc. rev...
Mardrax Posted September 5, 2006 Author Report Posted September 5, 2006 (edited) As in "through this message"? Would work very well indeed Though in the "though"'s defense: the "this" refers to this poem as a whole, which is part of a rather large collection of other messages which has been going back and forth between us. Those have reduced us to the state of names, not this one in particular. This one I see as painting her a frameless, moving picture... trying to get us back to a state of being more than names. The last line trying to overrule the second-last. Though on the other hand, "through" sounds alot better, and would also serve an equally decent explanation, proving instead of disproving the second-last line. See there, my inability to edit myself Edited September 5, 2006 by Mardrax
Wyvern Posted September 7, 2006 Report Posted September 7, 2006 Good poem, Mardrax. :-) Like "Ravings of a restless mind," the intricate rhyme scheme that you string throughout the stanzas was original and worked very well in holding my attention throughout the poem. The ball metaphor at the end was also great, and I liked the way that you phrased things throughout the poem. It felt very condensed and refined, with no excess in the arrangement of the words. One thing that seems to catch me every time I read the poem is the arrangement of the fourth lines of the stanzas. I like how the lines gradually progress in syllables, but the transition from the fourth line of the first stanza to the fourth line of the second stanza still feels a bit jarring due to the differing syllable counts. I also wasn't certain if the reference to "plenty games" in the first stanza was relevent to the poem as a whole, though the ball metaphor at the end of it might be the connection there. Beginning the last line with "though" makes it feel more like a side note than a vital piece of the poem... you might consider rephrasing it. Anyway, this poem's very well done. :-) Thanks for sharing it.
Mardrax Posted September 7, 2006 Author Report Posted September 7, 2006 (edited) I'll go into explaining it a bit for you then This little outburst is about (and for) a very old friend of mine. We indeed started out small together, as toddlers in diapers, and we've doubtless played plenty of games The "can't help" line... it's bugged me as much as it's bugged you probably, though I can't think of any way to put it better. The "though" which seems to bother most For our situation as it is now, I think it is a sidenote. I could change it into "through" as rev suggested, which would make it a vital piece of the poem indeed. Yet still, even though it improves how the poem reads... feels... it doesn't serve my purpose in writing it at all Like I said in my previous reply, with that last line, I'm trying to change the situation the second-last line states. Again, I can't find a better way of doing that than the way I have. Anyhow, a sincere thanks for taking the time to think a bit deeper into it, and for the compliment Edited September 7, 2006 by Mardrax
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