#70, #71

[Mira]

My decisions have to be made after dark

For they can not stand the light of day

Under the accusing light of the sun

I stand powerless to act

Immobilized by a single castigating ray

But with the sun safe in bed

My soul is set free

And I am granted the will to act

To finally let the me be me

 

-----------------------------------------------------

 

Naked with the lights on

I'm ugly; perverse.

Hewn from soft sandstone; an unrhythmic verse.

But as the lights fade and finally die

My mind leaves my body and is set loose to fly

Wildly though the black open sea that is time.

Aimlessly though the open summer night sky.

 

I am allowed to dance with the questions that try,

With some measure of luck, to keep me awake as I lie

Upon my bed,

Still naked, now beautiful.

[Wyvern]

I really like both of these poems, Mira. :-) #71 was my personal favorite of the two, as the word choice and feel of the intimate mental journey that the narrator takes were excellent. I really liked the beginnings of the both of poem #71's stanzas, as the phrasing definitely caught my attention and the rhyme scheme was very well incorporated. The only line that felt a bit off to me when I read it was the last line, as the "Still naked" part of it seemed a bit superfluous to me.

 

Poem #70 was also good, particularly the lines that characterized the rays of the Sun and painted them in a menacing light. The personification of the decisions at the beginning of the poem didn't feel as natural to me, however, and the reference to the sun being "safe in bed" felt a bit more typical than the rest of the poem and didn't really stand out. Still, the theme of the Sun rendering the narrator powerless was very interesting.

 

Very nicely done, Mira. :-) I always enjoy reading your works.

[Mira]

As always, I thank you for your comments Wyvern.

[reverie]

I like them. Brains a little fried right now from writing my own poem (Dear God, a fifty liner in Iampic Pentameter, make the hurting stop...), so I can't give anything more indept right now. Well other than maybe considering changing "can not" to "cannot" in the second stanza of #70.

 

cool,

 

rev...

Edited September 5, 2006 by reverie