Psimon Posted August 28, 2006 Report Posted August 28, 2006 (edited) In the dust-speckled sunlight of an empty room once filled with things that carried memories of whole days, I hold the receiver like a drowning man clings to a passing leaf. I know the leaf will not keep me from slipping under but I cannot lightly bring myself to let it float away. What we had wasn’t love - just a second-string shadow slipping past us in the lights of the motorway. A flickering street-lamp, a match in a tempest, without the slightest hope of setting the world alight. I wipe my eyes. It’s better to drown than light a fire with gasoline. Edited August 28, 2006 by Psimon
Wyvern Posted August 28, 2006 Report Posted August 28, 2006 Very good poem, Psimon. :-) The similes and metaphors that you used throughout it were excellent, and the nostalgic imagery they evoked was very striking and well-worded. I particularly liked the images that dealt with hopelessness, as the lines about the drowning man clinging to the leaf and the match unable to light any sort of fire definitely set the tone of the piece. In terms of potential things to improve, I felt that the explanation in the second stanza didn't add much to the poem, since it's common knowledge that a leaf can't save a person from slipping under the water. Potential ways to correct this might be to either drop the first two lines of the second stanza and alter the other lines accordingly, or simply to drop the second stanza altogether. The only other nitpicking point that caught my attention was the use of "It's" in the final stanza, which made the line sound too much like a distant factual piece of information in an otherwise personal poem for my taste. Great stuff, once again. :-) Thanks for sharing this piece, Psimon.
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