shattered we

[word_eyes]

I was walking down the street, kicking a coke bottle

frustrated, I picked it up, and threw it against a wall,

I threw it so hard that I cracked every brick,

but the glass didn't break at all.

 

Even more frustrated, I threw it again,

so hard, the ground shook and set off 10 car alarms,

I had torn the C and E from the paper of the COKE label,

but I had done the bottle no harm.

 

By now I was pissed, so I picked it back up,

but this time I couldn't let go,

I ripped the rest of the label down,

and revealed the words, "DO NOT THROW!"

 

Amused a bit at the irony,

I said fine, I'll crush it slow

I sqeezed that bottle so damn hard

that 16 fingers broke.

 

A bit more withered now I'm sure,

I figured this was it,

I pulled the trigger 20 times,

and off bounced every bullet.

 

I give up, you win I said,

and I took the bottle home,

put a flower in it, and stood outside your window,

I was wrong.

 

You threw the flower to the ground

as if it didn't matter

one of your tears rolled down the glass,

and in my heart, it shattered.

 

I fell to my knees in agony,

and you cried as well,

placing your lips upon mine

as the bottle fixed itself.

 

You said "I forgive you, love,

but we just cannot be,

for what you tried to do to that bottle,

you have always done to me."

 

Realizing that I had lost,

what I never knew I needed,

I swallowed the bottle whole,

and we all fell to pieces.

[Wyvern]

Very good poem, word eyes. :-) I really like the metaphor of the coke bottle, and the many intriguing ways that you use it in the narrative. I particularly liked the image of the bottle denting the bricks without shattering, the comparison of the bottle to the narrator's treatment of his loved one, and the final twist in words that ends the poem. The simple rhyme scheme of the piece was also handled well, as the rhyming lines added to the flow of the piece without distracting me from the interesting imagery. The title of the poem is great as well - definitely an eye grabber!

 

In terms of potential improvements: I felt that, while the initial images of the unbreakable bottle were very intriguing, they went on for a bit too long. I noticed that the language of these first stanzas switched a bit between formal ("Amused a bit at the irony") and casual ("By now I was pissed"), so you might consider dropping lines or stanzas in a way that strengthens the consistancy of the language. There were also points where things felt a bit too accurate to me ("10 car alarms," "pulled the trigger 20 times"), and you might consider dropping any of the numbers that don't have a great deal of significance to the piece.

 

Anyway, this is quality stuff. It's nice to see you posting again, thanks for sharing this here.

[Appy]

Thank you Wyvern for putting into words what I thought! I've been wanting to reply to this but couldn't find the right way. Maybe now that I have a hand-hold, I can

 

I loved the imagery a lot, and thought the whole concept was rather inventive.

The one thing that threw me off was the throwing of the flower, where you seem to mean the bottle (since that's mending itself later)... I don't know how to improve this, but you might want to clarify there what is being throw

 

Really enjoyed reading this, good to have you back

[word_eyes]

thanks for the feedback... I've been working on this poem for a while. I liked it, but I found the same problems, I just didn't know what to do with it or how to improve it. I still don't know what to do with it. Some suggestions on how to re-word it would be helpful.

[reverie]

Very cool to read out loud.

 

Ya know you could actually get away with ending the poem in the 6th stanza. Personally, I'd drop the "I was wrong" line if you decided to do that.

 

Hmm, but if you end up keeping the second part of the poem, then I'd clarify the "you" person some. The identity of the bottle and the person your speaker is addressing gets confusing there.

 

rev...

[Mardrax]

I think that exactly is the beauty in it fading boundaries between the methaphorical and physical manifestation of the same subject...

 

For a few bits of criticism, I cannot help but find the second stanza a bit awkward. why? if only I knew long sentences are probably one cause, "Wyvern's" 10 car alarms probably are too.

Solutions? There's a trickier one

I think it wouldn't hurt to omit the "paper of the COKE"... you've already declared it being a coke bottle in line 1... doing it again is redundant... less if often more

The car alarms... perhaps replacing the "10" with "several" would help? Or, if only for form, replacing it with "ten" might help as well. I personally find seeing digits in text disturbing most of the time, though on the other hand, the 20 bullets don't seem to bother me.

 

even with that point of criticism, I love it the way it is