Chanz Posted August 21, 2006 Report Posted August 21, 2006 My ally, my best friend, My angel, 'till the end. My strength, my rock, My secrets, kept under lock. He makes me laugh, and smile, To help me, he'd run a mile. He keeps me safe, and guards me, This is what helps me, to be free. He is my protector and my guard, He is my saviour and my wild card. He is my sanity and my mind, He is my thoughts and my precious find. I want to be more than a friend, Though I do not wish to offend. My boyfriend, I don’t want to hurt, I just want to seek some comfort. I do not know if my feelings are mutual, I do not know if they’ll become fatal. I do not know if these feelings are strong, I do not know if they are completely wrong. I'm not sure if these are true, As they are pretty new. I don't know what to say, I'm not sure I want them to go away. Will I love him, Will he become grim? Will we break up, Will we hook up? I don't know what to do, Do I have the courage to be true? Maybe i should wait it out, I don't want to be left without. So confused right now, So I do not know what to allow. So messed up at this time, So wish I didn't feel this is a crime. This decision could be easy, I don't want anyone to get angry. I just want to resolve this issue, Just wish I knew what to do.
reverie Posted August 21, 2006 Report Posted August 21, 2006 (edited) argh, wish I had saw this before I posted my reply in your other post. oh, I'll have another go at it tomorrow maybe... rev... Edited August 21, 2006 by reverie
Sweetcherrie Posted August 22, 2006 Report Posted August 22, 2006 ouchie Might be better if you keep all from the same poem in one thread, Chanz That way you would have all the work together Like what you've been doing so far, keep it up!
cryptomancer Posted August 24, 2006 Report Posted August 24, 2006 Suggestions? Right..... First, Have a go at what Psimon Suggested. I love the structure of couplets and quatraines, easy to write things and to get into a rhythm, allowing thoughts to flow. However from the point of view of the title, and the content, free form may work better. Should you choose to stay with the structure that you have now, the thing that I find helps me a lot, espesially in wording and reworking each stanza of my own poetry, is syllable counts. Try to word the lines in each stanza with an equal number of syllables, this will generally improve the flow and feel of the poem, from a structure point of view, the challenge is to get the same meaning across after altering the wording. The others, (Rev and Sweet) both made some fantastic suggestions, so keep going, and I look forward to reading more of your works in the future. Ps: The flow in 'this' post is much better.
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